Mental Impurities

| Right | October 15, 2011

(I am talking to a customer about various options for earrings.)

Customer: “Can I see your 25 carat gold earrings?”

(I go and fetch the earrings from the back.)

Customer: “These are definitely made of gold? There’s no nickel in them?”

Me: “No, there’s no nickel. Are you allergic?”

Customer: “No, I just don’t want to get HIV.”

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Stupidity Just A Stone’s Throw Away

| Right | June 29, 2011

Customer: “Hi. I’m looking for the birthstone for May.”

Me: “Well, the birthstone for May is emerald, but we don’t carry any emeralds.”

(The customer walks over and looks in the case. She sees a green stone.)

Customer: “What about this green one?”

Me: “Oh! That’s peridot. That’s the birthstone for August.”

Customer: “Who’s August?”

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Overly Positive

, , | Right | May 24, 2011

(A customer approaches the counter with a huge smile on his face.)

Me: “Good morning, sir! How can I help today?”

Customer: “I need to find a ring for my girlfriend.”

Me: “I can help you with that. Is this a ring for a special occasion?”

Customer: “Yes! We just found out that my girlfriend is pregnant, and I want to give her a ring to celebrate.”

Me: “Congratulations! How far along is she?”

Customer: “Only a few days. See, look. The test was positive!”

(The customer pulls out the used pregnancy test, which indicates a positive result. He tries to wave it in my face.)

Customer: “Do you want to see?”

Me: “I really don’t need to see. I believe you.”

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Attack Of The O’Hooligans

, , , , , | Right | April 22, 2011

Customer: “Excuse me, are you the manager?

Me: “Yes. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want to complain about your employee in the jewelry department. She’s a hooligan!”

Me: “Well, what did she do?”

Customer: “Her hair is green!”

Me: “Ma’am, that’s just for St. Patrick’s Day.”

Customer: “I don’t care! It’s unprofessional and rebellious! It probably means she’s in a gang!”

Me: “Very well. I’ll talk with her.”

(The associate and I have a good laugh over it. She comes in the next day with her ordinary brown hair. The customer happens to come in, too.)

Customer: “Oh, your hair is brown! I’m glad I was able to help you get reformed from your rebellious ways!”

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Miles Away From The Answer, Relatively Speaking

, , , | Right | February 15, 2011

(I am filling out a credit application for a couple. We reach the question, ‘nearest living relative.’)

Customer: *thinking for a few moments* “About fifty miles!”

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