Sizing Up An Impossible Problem

, , , | Right | February 26, 2019

(I work in a custom jewelry store as the “repair guy,” sizing rings and fixing chains. We’re a small mom-and-pop shop and we have a doorbell to ring people in. It’s five minutes after close and I’m pulling the jewelry from the cases to put them in the safe for the night. The doorbell rings, and my boss walks to the door and opens it slightly.)

Boss: “We closed at six, but how can I help you? Are you picking up?”

Customer: “Oh, no! We just need a ring sized up. It’s just a small size.”

(The boss lets them in, and they are already asking how fast we can get it done.)

Boss: “We open tomorrow at ten, so I can—“

Customer: “Oh, good. We’ll pick it up in the morning!”

(I stop everything I’m doing to look at this guy, thinking, “Are you f****** kidding me?”)

Boss: “I need time to do it, so you can pick it up tomorrow afternoon.”

(They start grumbling about it.)

Customer: “Well, how much is it going to be?”

Boss: “$109 to have it ready by tomorrow after—“

Customer: “We’ll go somewhere else!” *snatches the ring and walks out*

Me: “Thanks for wasting our time.”

This Customer Is Jade-d

, , , , | Right | January 12, 2019

(I work in the jewelry department of a large store in New Zealand. We can’t sell New Zealand greenstone because of tribal rights to the stones (fair enough) so we sell Canadian jade carved in very similar ways.)

Me: *showing customer one of our jade necklaces*

Customer: “So what is it?”

Me: “It’s a pendant made from Canadian jade.”

Customer: “No, I mean what’s it made from.”

Me: “It’s… Canadian jade.”

Customer: *has a puzzled expression on her face*

Me: *sees this and continues to explain* “It’s… jade… from… Canada.”

Customer: *very rudely scoffs* “Well, I could have guessed that!”

Just Ring Me Up, Already

, , , , , , | Working | May 31, 2018

(I go into a jewelry store to get my ring checked. I have to go in every six months for the warranty to remain intact.)

Me: “I need to get my ring checked.”

Employee: “Okay, it looks like you have some loose stones; do you wear your ring outside?”

Me: “Yes, I take it off when I do intense things like rock climbing or working out, but I wear it all other times.”

Employee: “You really shouldn’t wear it outside.”

Me: “I shouldn’t wear my engagement ring outside? Ever?”

Employee: “Well, if you lose a diamond and you’re outside you won’t be able to find it.”

Me: “Yeah, that’s why my fiancé bought the lifetime warranty with the ring. That way I don’t have to worry about it!”

Employee: “But you should really try to bring in a diamond if it falls out, so you shouldn’t wear your ring outside.”

Me: “Losing diamonds is covered in the warranty, right?”

Employee: “Yes.”

Me: “And it doesn’t affect you if I lose the diamonds?”

Employee: “No.”

Me: “I’ll just keep wearing my ring, then.”

Employee: “Just remember not to wear it outside!”

Banned From Getting The Band

, , , , , | Working | March 7, 2018

(My fiancé and I have decided, two weeks prior to our wedding, to finally go to the jewelry store and pick out wedding bands. As we both dislike most jewelry, we have decided on getting plain, white gold bands to match my single-stone, white gold, 1.5-carat Moissanite ring. We decide to check out a jeweler in the department store I work at, meaning I would get an employee discount. We’d gone to another jeweler for the Moissanite, because the one at the department store doesn’t have Moissanite rings, and I am very specific about not having a diamond.)

Me: “My fiancé and I are looking for wedding bands. We want simple—”

Clerk: *grabs my hand* “Oh, what a gorgeous diamond! I have several wedding bands that will match!”

(She drops my hand and goes to a nearby jewelry case. Within 45 seconds, she brings out a gigantic onyx and diamond monstrosity for him, and a silver, three-stone, two-carat engagement ring for me.)

Clerk: “This is only $3,560! A steal at that price!”

Me: “What I was trying to say is that we would like plain, white gold wedding bands. No stones; I’d prefer my Moissanite to stand out on its own.”

Fiancé: “Yeah, those aren’t even an option based on the stones alone. And that looks like an engagement ring. Also, she works at [Department Store], so we were wondering about the employee discount?”

Clerk: “Yeah, it’s an engagement ring. It’ll work; I promise. I mean, you could always get rid of that single stone; it’s too small.”

(She briefly explains the discount. Over the next half-hour or so, she shows us about ten different options at decreasing price points that are not anywhere near what we wanted, promising each time that we’ll like her selection and that she’ll get us what we want. I clarify several times that we would really like to see plain rings. At one point, I notice a full case of plain rings right behind her, on the back wall of the store. I ask her about the case, and she ignores me. I am getting increasingly irate, and in response to her showing me a $599 engagement ring and wedding band set and sneering at me with disgust as she does so, I finally snap:)

Me:As I have stated, several times, I would love to see any of your plain. White. Gold. Rings. Don’t bother showing me another one. I’m sure that [Competitor], the place I bought my Moissanite from — with my fiancé — would be able to give us what we want.”

(She ignores me, of course, so she produces yet another diamond encrusted piece of “f*** this.” A $200 wedding band, at this point. She glares at me. I turn and walk out without another word.)

Fiancé: “You have done a fantastic job at ignoring everything we’ve stated. Goodbye.”

(Less than five minutes later, we arrive at the competitor.)

Me: “Hi! We were looking for wedding bands.”

Jeweler: “Of course! I have an entire case right here. What were you looking for? We have silver, white gold, gold, 14k, 10k, with stones…”

Fiancé: “Ah, just plain, and white gold to match her ring.”

(After a brief exchange of information to bring up my account:)

Jeweler: “Oh, what a beautiful Moissanite!”

Me: “Thank you! I get asked, ‘Is it real?’ all the time, and I’m like, ‘Yes, it does exist!’”

Jeweler: *laughs* “Very good choice, I must say. Your ring is a 14k, but I recommend a 10-carat for you, sir.”

Fiancé: “Excellent, thanks!”

(We selected our rings, and our transaction was processed within 15 minutes of our arrival in the store. We got a better deal with them than anything I was being offered at the other place, so I was quite happy. As we were walking past their shop-front, I saw the woman in her shop. She glared at me with her arms crossed. I smiled and waved at her with the hand that was holding my new ring.)

Your Humor Falls Short

, , , , | Working | September 28, 2017

(I am with my friend as she drops off her wedding ring to be resized. I am a very short person.)

Friend: “I’m kicking myself for not getting the ring a size larger. It never occurred to me that it would get this tight so fast!”

Jeweler: “It’s a sad truth that as everyone gets older, they also get bigger.” *he looks over at me* “Except you.”

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