Our EQ Just Ate Your IQ

, , , , | Right | March 17, 2009

(Our restaurant is within walking distance of an assisted living center so many of our regulars are special needs adults. We get a regular group of four people who have to make their order the same way every time. The routine involves the four of them reading the menu board for about five minutes and then one of them ordering each of them a hamburger individually.)

Me: “Hey! What can I get you?”

Special Needs Customer: “I would like a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger.”

(An agitated customer who has been standing in line behind the group the entire time chimes in.)

Customer #2: “He would like four hamburgers. Can we hurry this up?”

Special Needs Customer: “No! I would like a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger.”

Customer #2: “Oh, my god!”

Me: “So if I got this right, you would like a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger?”

Special Needs Customer: “Yes, that’s right!”

Me: “You know what I think you need? A high-five!”

Special Needs Customer: “You know I do!”

(I high-five the guy over the counter and the other three all take a turn getting a high-five.)

Customer #2: “This is just ridiculous!” *storms out of the store*


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Guidance Counseling, Customer Style

, , , | Right | March 11, 2009

(I’m finishing a long transaction for a supermarket customer.)

Customer: “You realise that you didn’t say ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ throughout all of that?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I thought I did.”

Customer: “Do you go to college or is this your full-time job?!’

Me: “I go to college, but–”

Customer: “GOOD! DON’T DO THIS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE BECAUSE YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY CRAP AT IT!”

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Simultaneously Fighting And Financing The Man

, , | Right | February 23, 2009

(This took place at a department store makeup counter. Everyone at the counter was wearing big makeup masks at the time.)

Customer: “Why are you wearing that?”

Me: “Well, we’re having a ‘theme day’ to be creative and have fun with the makeup we sell.”

Customer: “You know it’s bad for you, right?”

Me: “The makeup?”

Customer: “Yeah! All the CLEVER people say that!”

Coworker: *jumping in* “Well, we have educations here, too, and–”

Customer: “Yeah, sure… you’re educated to sell this… this, stuff!”

Me: “Whether the makeup is bad for you or not depends on the ingredients. I’m happy to look every one of those up for you if you’re worried about the makeup harming you.”

Customer: “Yeah, right. All the dangerous ingredients are going to go right through my skin… and… the CLEVER people say that!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m a chemistry major as well as a makeup artist, so I actually do know about the ingredients. I can assure you that–”

Customer: *turns to my coworker* “Could you help me find a blusher in a color that would suit me, please?”

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Patience (Not) Be Thy Name

, , , | Right | February 16, 2009

(Note: this call takes place at 2:15 pm.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Cable Company]. How may I help you today?

Caller: “I was supposed to have a tech out here between two pm and four pm! Where the h*** is he?

Me: “Sir, the tech is scheduled for any time between the hours of two and four, so he is not late. He is on his way.”

Caller: “I want a credit for the install fee. I shouldn’t have to pay an install fee if the tech is late.”

Me: “Sir, he is not late. He has until four pm to get there.”

Caller: “I want to speak to a supervisor now!”

Me: “I am sorry, sir, but a supervisor will tell you the same thing…”

Caller: “I don’t wanna talk to you! You don’t know what you are doing! Give me a supervisor, now!”

Me: “No, I will not do that.”

Caller: “You have to! It’s the law!”

Me: “No, it isn’t; it isn’t even company policy. You can wait for the tech, or you can cancel the appointment. Which would you like to do?”

Caller: “Oh… the tech is here.” *click*

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Please Do Not Titillate The Employees

, , , | Right | February 11, 2009

(I’m 17 and am volunteering at the museum for a ride that takes you on a trip to Mars.)

Customer: “Excuse me, can my son go in there?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry, ma’am. There’s no room and this is the last ride.”

Customer: “Hmph.” *drags her son away and whispers something to him*

Customer’s Son: “Um, hi.”

Me: “Yes, sir?”

Customer’s Son: “My mom told me to flirt with you so I could see the ride.”

Me: “Uh… yeah. I can’t let you do that.”

Customer’s Son: “Okay.” *goes back to his mother*

Customer: “Well, fine then, young lady. I want to see your manager.”

Me: “Okay, he’s the man over there in the blue shirt with gold collars.”

Customer: “I’m going to tell him you won’t flirt with my son!” *goes away and takes her son with her*

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