It’s Not Cute How You’re Behaving

, , , | Related | September 1, 2018

(I have relatives over. They are not fond of my girlfriend because they consider her weird and childish. My dad and I are preparing dinner when I accidentally cut my finger.)

Me: “S***. Babe, can you bring me a band-aid?”

Girlfriend: *from upstairs* “Sure, hold on.”

(As soon as she leaves the room my dad pipes in.)

Dad: “How can you date someone who dresses like a twelve year old?”

Me: “She’s 23; she can dress however she wants.”

Dad: “And what grown woman collects stuffed animals?”

Me: “She likes cute things. Big deal. A lot of adults collect toys.”

(Before my dad can say another word, my girlfriend comes in with a band-aid, the cutesy kind.)

Girlfriend: “Here, sorry it took so long. I didn’t find any in your medicine cabinet so I got some from mine.”

Me: “It’s fine.”

Dad: “You’re a grown-a** man, you—”

Me: “Stop, just stop. I’ve had enough. It’s a band-aid; it’ll do its job regardless of how it looks. Another disrespectful comment, and you, as well as everyone who shares your attitude, can go check into a hotel.”

(The rest of the visit was thankfully without incident. We’re still not sure if we should tell my side of the family that we’re planning to get married.)

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There’s No App For Crocheting

, , , , , | Friendly | September 1, 2018

(I’m sitting on a bench. I rub my neck because it hurts. A stranger comes up behind me.)

Stranger: “Generation Look-Down. You know, you wouldn’t have so many problems if you stopped using those phones!”

(They start ranting about the evils of technology. I wordlessly hold up my crocheting.)

Stranger: *sputters* “I… I have an errand!” *runs off*

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Housewives Inc.

, , , , , | Right | September 1, 2018

(I work at a small ecommerce business where each employee has a multitude of job duties. The phone rings, so I interrupt my current task and conversation with a coworker to answer. It is important to note I am female.)

Me: *speaking a little bit too quickly* “[Company]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “What is this?”

Me: *speaking more slowly* “This is [Company]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Oh! I thought I was calling some housewife or something. Can I speak to [Coworker]?”

Me: *pauses* “Sure, let me transfer you to him.”

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Room For Scream

, , , | Right | August 31, 2018

(I have a customer that comes in every single day, two minutes before we close, and orders a sixteen-ounce Americano with room for cream. He is never overly friendly, but not necessarily rude, so I don’t have a problem with him… Until one day, when I don’t give him enough room.)

Customer: “Do you not know what ‘room’ means?”

Me: “I’m sorry; you didn’t specify, so I just gave you as much room as most people.”

Customer: “Do you not know what ‘room’ means or do you think I’m stupid? Remake it, and put room in it.”

Me: “I’ll remake it, but next time you could ask a little nicer. It was an honest mistake.”

Customer: “Nice has nothing to do with it!”

Me: “Nice has everything to do with it!”

(It took me months to be able to make his drink again, because whenever he walked up to the counter I would refuse to make it and another barista would do it for me. He’s still incredibly rude, and if I have to make his Americano, I use decaf. I do not feel bad.)

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Putting You On The Burner Now

, , , , , | Related | August 31, 2018

I don’t cook very often; I only ever use the stove to make grilled cheese sandwiches. I have my own personal frying pans for this purpose. When I finish making the sandwich, I always leave the pan on the stove, but on the exact opposite burner, so that I can safely cool it down.

One day, my dad comes downstairs while I’m on the computer and starts pitching a fit at me. He scolds me for leaving a burner on. He’s burned his hand trying to get my pan away from it and turn it off. I’m confused; not only did I turn the burner off before I left — I’m not that stupid — but I always put the pan on the opposite end of the stove from the burner I used, just in case. I hate being blamed for things I didn’t do, so we end up getting into a pretty big shouting match over it.

Later on, he comes back down to apologize; the idiot who turned the burner on and left it unattended was my mom.

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