Not Too Proud To Apologize

, , , , , , | Working | January 22, 2018

(I get into an argument with a coworker who is annoyed that our boss is giving those who asked the day off to go to the Pride Parade. Although I am straight, a few of my family members are not and I am going to Pride to support them.)

Coworker: “I don’t get why [Boss] is giving you that day off! You’re not even gay!”

Me: “So? Ever heard of allies?”

Coworker: “Oh, my God! Everyone is asking for the day to just slack off! You know that’s our busiest day! God, is anyone going even gay?”

Me: “Uh, yeah. You know some of our coworkers are gay, right? They wear pins all the time, and their wives even come by to pick them up.”

Coworker: “Who?”

Me: “Seriously, how have you not noticed? It’s [Coworker #1] and [Coworker #2]. Their wives are so nice and—”

Coworker: “What? They aren’t lesbians! They don’t look like lesbos.”

Me: “You can’t tell people’s sexualities by looking at them.”

(My coworker laughs and walks away; however, the next day, he corners me in the break room before I sign in.)

Coworker: “You know how you said yesterday about not being able to tell people are lesbos by just looking at them?”

Me: “Well, I said you cannot tell people’s sexualities just by looking at them, not just lesbians.”

Coworker: “Yeah, whatever. I talked to your uncle while you were getting your stuff from the back yesterday and he agreed with me. Straight people just have good gaydar, I guess. Even your own family agrees with me and—” *he stops since I burst out laughing* “What? What is so funny?”

Me: “You just disproved yourself!”

Coworker: “What?”

Me: “You just said my uncle’s straight, right?”

Coworker: “Wait—”

Me: “You told my uncle, who is gay by the way, that you can tell people are gay just by looking at them. You said all this without realising my uncle was gay!”

Coworker: “But he looked straight!”

Me: “Is your definition of gay wearing sequins and having a feminine voice? Gay people come in all different shapes, races, and voices. I think I won this argument.”

Coworker: “Wow… Does your uncle hate me now?”

Me: “He probably thinks you’re a little homophobic.”

Coworker: “I don’t think anyone has ever proven me wrong so successfully.”

Me: “You proved yourself wrong, buddy. I had nothing to do with it.”

(My coworker was so shocked by this that he apologised to my uncle when he next saw him and stopped complaining about people getting off for the Pride Parade. Obviously, change doesn’t happen overnight, but he has absolutely stopped making homophobic comments, and although he didn’t come to the Parade, one of my coworkers told me he asked her where he can buy a Straight Alliance pin. He promises to come to the Pride Parade this year, so we’ll see what happens.)

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Blogging A Dead Horse

, , , , , | Right | January 22, 2018

(A woman in her late 40s recently hired me to add analytics to her blog. It’s basically just a vanity blog about being rich and complaining about how no one goes to church anymore and how “political correctness” is ruining society. I cringe a few times as I am reading it while I install the analytics. Nevertheless, it is a paying job and I’m not here to judge, so I do what I am paid to do, am paid for it, and move on. A month later, I get a call from her.)

Customer: “Your analyser is broken! It’s not showing the right numbers!”

Me: “I’m sorry about that. I’ll just go and have a look.” *checks it all out* “I’m seeing ten page loads this week. I just reloaded it, and now it’s clicked to eleven. It all seems to be working properly.”

Customer: “No, no, no! I get way more views than that!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but how do you know?”

Customer: “My husband says he reads it every day! So do all of his employees, and all my friends from bridge club, and my neighbors say they read it, too!”

(Realization slowly dawns on me.)

Me: “Oh, okay. I’m so sorry it doesn’t seem to be working correctly. I’ll look into it.”

(Stumped as to what to do, I end up finding her husband’s email address and warning him about the analytics. I get a one-line email back.)

Husband: “Well, f***. Any chance I could pay you again to just take it off the site?”

(I declined. I’m not sure what happened, but I never heard from them again.)

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Not Compatible With Customer Service

, , , , , | Working | January 21, 2018

(It’s been a while since I’ve had to buy ink for my printer, so I write down my printer’s information and go to the store. I find an ink cartridge box that claims to be compatible with my make and model. When I get home, I find that it’s not compatible at all, even though I double-checked the information on the box against my printer. So, I go back to the store.)

Me: “Hello, I’m afraid I need to make an exchange.”

Employee: “This ink has been opened. What’s wrong with it?”

Me: “Unfortunately, it’s not compatible with my printer, despite what it says on the box.”

Employee: “You should really make sure it’s compatible before you open it.”

Me: “How? The box says it is, but the cartridge itself isn’t.”

Employee: “Maybe you should try actually reading the box instead of saying you did.”

Me: *sighs* “Look, I just want to exchange it for a cartridge that is compatible. Call a manager if you need to.”

Employee: “Or you can own up to your mistakes and just pay for a new one. I’m not returning this.”

Me: “I can also stand here and make a huge fuss until a manager comes over, anyway. Your choice.”

(The employee huffs and stalks off. A manager comes to the register. I explain it to him, I point out the make and model that says it is compatible with, and that I have a receipt, and that I would just like an ink cartridge that is compatible.)

Manager: “Oh, boy, one of these. Yeah, it seems a whole batch of these got the wrong compatibility instructions printed on the box. What’s your make and model? I can run and grab that for you in two minutes.”

(The transaction happens smoothly. As I’m walking away, the employee snipes:)

Employee: “Next time, read the box!”

Manager: “[Employee], come with me to the back, please…”

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Pre-Order Disorder

, , , , , , | Right | January 20, 2018

(It is just after the release of an AAA title. Any customers wishing to reserve a copy usually put down a five dollar deposit and need to have their receipt in order to pick it up on release day.)

Customer: *walks in arrogantly* “I want to pick up a copy of [Title].”

Me: “We would be glad to sell you a copy; however, all of the ones we currently have are for pre-orders only. I’m afraid we have none left for walk-ins.”

(The customer starts arguing, and our pre-order customers are starting to file in behind him. He remains oblivious.)

Customer: “Do you mean to tell me that all copies of that game are reserved? That’s ridiculous! I want you to sell me a copy of [Title] now, or I’ll call your head office.”

Me: *sly wink to the line up* “Sir, if you would like to purchase a copy, then you’ll have to convince one of the 20 or so people behind you to give up one of theirs.”

(The customer turns around and finds himself staring down an angry mob.)

Customer: *pregnant pause* “I’ll, uh… I’ll go and see if [Department Store] has some.”

(I spent the day bro-fisting the line. It was awesome.)

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Cancelling Any Attempt At Customer Service

, , , , , | Working | January 20, 2018

(My mom and dad are in the middle of a messy divorce, and to add insult to injury, my dad has moved in with his mistress and is trying to cut all our services: Internet, insurance, etc. So, before that happens, I’m trying to transfer the accounts to my mom’s name so we don’t have to go through the hassle of equipment return and new accounts. I’m working on the Internet service, where this lovely young woman is sympathetic to our situation and is going to switch the names for us; she just needs my mother’s authorization. I ask her, since my mother is busy, if we can call back and have it arranged, and she says it is fine. A phone call later, I have this exchange with this guy.)

Me: “The lady told us we could just call back and get that changed.”

Employee: “I see. Unfortunately, I can’t do that. I can sign you up for a new package, though!”

Me: “Oh. I see. Wouldn’t our services be interrupted, though, and our equipment need to be returned?”

Employee: “Yes, that would happen, but I can get you a great deal on cable and Internet—”

(My mom and I aren’t willing to go through all that just for the same service. We already discussed that if they couldn’t do it we might as well look for another, cheaper provider, because the biggest appeal of staying with them is to not have our services interrupted.)

Me: “Well, actually, if that’s the case, I’m afraid we’re just going to have to cancel our current services and go elsewhere.”

Employee: “No, wait a minute. You don’t need to do all that. I’ve got a great deal here for you guys to sign up with a new plan—”

Me: *trying to be polite* “I appreciate your help. Thank you, but all we wanted was to change the name, so if that’s not possible, we’ll just have to cancel. We aren’t really looking to upgrade or anything like that. We’re happy with our current situation and want to keep it. But if we can’t, then we’ll just find something else.”

Employee: “Now you aren’t listening. I can sign you up for another—”

Me: “No. Thank you. But we really don’t want to do all that. We’ll just cancel and find another provider. Thank you, though—”

Employee: “Look, I’m trying to—”

Me: “Sir, if you can’t help us do what we want, then there’s nothing else to discuss.”

Employee: “Fine. But I tried to help you.”

Me: *losing all patience* “No. Actually. You didn’t, really.” *I hang up*

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