Nintendos Before Hoes

, , , , | Romantic | September 29, 2018

(My friend is over for a night of video games and “bro time” when his girlfriend tries to video chat with him. Because he is playing the game, he doesn’t answer. This does not go over well with her; she calls repeatedly until he picks up. He puts the phone in his lap so he can keep playing.)

Girlfriend: “What the f*** are you doing that you can’t answer your phone?”

Friend: “I’m playing a video game.”

Girlfriend: “Where? Where are you right now? I got home and the apartment was empty!”

Friend: “I’m at [My Name]’s house.”

Girlfriend: “I don’t recall you telling me you were going there. Are there girls there?”

Friend: “Well… I did. And no. Look. I’ll be home later.”

Girlfriend: “No, you need to come home now.”

Friend: “Why?”

Girlfriend: “There’s dishes and laundry to be done, and I haven’t seen you all day. You can’t just run off and play video games whenever you want. You have responsibilities! Are your friends more important than me?”

Friend: “No, I’m just hanging out with some guys. I’ll help clean when I get home tonight.”

Girlfriend: “You know what? Don’t bother coming home!”

(He hangs up and keeps playing the game like nothing happened.)

Me: “Uh, don’t you want to… fix that?”

Friend: “She’s always saying crazy s*** like that. She doesn’t mean it. If I didn’t come home, she’d probably b**** about that, too.”

(They broke up shortly thereafter because she made the same threat and he didn’t come home “on time.” She locked him out of the apartment and threw all his things out the window. He’s crashing on my couch right now. She still calls every now and then, and yes, she’s still crazy.)

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Doubling Down On Calling It A Double Double

, , , , | Right | September 29, 2018

(Most of us in our small office just use our coffee maker, but it’s broken and will take a couple of days to replace, so we’re taking turns buying coffee on the way in for the group. Today is my turn, and this happens while I’m in line at a donuts-and-coffee chain.)

Customer: “Tall double-double.”

Cashier: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Tall double-double!”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, but I don’t unders—”

Customer: *loudly, but not quite shouting* “TALL. DOUBLE. DOUBLE.”

Cashier: “Sir, that doesn’t sound like anything we serve.”

(At this point I’m about to step in, having figured out what he means, when the guy slaps himself on the forehead.)

Customer: “Large, double sugar, double cream.”

Cashier: “Oh! I’m sorry; I should have figured that out!”

Customer: “Yeah, sorry, I’m just so used to stopping by [Other Chain] every morning, but the local one’s closed for renovations. Guess I’m a creature of habit.”

(He gets his coffee and leaves without any more fuss, and I step up and place my order.)

Me: “I wonder how long it will take him to realize there’s another [Chain] a block away?”

Cashier: “Shh! With any luck he’ll realize our coffee’s better and cheaper!”

(To be fair, it WAS cheaper, though “better” is highly subjective, depending on how strong you like it!)

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Gender Stereotypes Do Not Compute

, , , , , , , | Friendly | September 29, 2018

(This happens in the late 80s. I have just bought a house and am having a housewarming party. My friend shows up with her new husband, a guy I’ve never met. I give them a quick tour, including my study.)

Friend’s Husband: *spotting my computer, which is one of the original IBM PCs with two floppy drives* “Is that your husband’s computer?”

Me: “No, it’s mine.”

Friend: *rolling her eyes* “Don’t mind him. He doesn’t think women are intelligent enough to use computers, that’s all.”

Me: *thinking* “How charming.”

(I get busy with host-related stuff. I happen to see my friend and her husband racing out the door as though their a**es were on fire. They don’t even say goodbye.)

Me: “Huh, that’s weird.”

(I didn’t think anything of it until the following day. I went to turn on my computer, and to my horror, it made a terrible grinding noise. I turned it off and investigated. SOMEONE – and I think we all know who – had shoved a floppy disk in backwards. Luckily, there was no permanent damage.)

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Engineering Cheaper Prices For The Undeserving

, , , , , | Right | September 28, 2018

(I have worked at my store for close to three years while in college to help pay for my degree. This lady comes in to the drive-thru, and I am at the first window taking cash. I notice she has three ten-piece nuggets on her order, at four dollars each, and the twenty-piece we have is on special for five. I decide to try to explain it to her. I genuinely want to make it more affordable for her.)

Me: “Ma’am, are you interested in our twenty-piece nuggets? It’s three dollars cheaper to do that instead of the three ten-piece—”

Customer: *interrupts me* “They are going to different places.”

Me: “The twenty-piece comes in two ten-piece boxes, so the only difference is—”

Customer: *cuts over me again* “Look, I already said I wanted three ten-pieces.”

Me: “It’s going to be so much cheaper; are you sure?”

Customer: “Ring me up or get a manager.”

(At this point, the manager shows up anyway.)

Manager: “Is everything okay?”

Me: “Yes.” *takes the customers money*

Customer: *addressing manager* “This dumb high school dropout can’t even take money correctly. Is she slow? Like, in her brain?”

Me: *addressing manager* “I just told her about our twenty-piece promotion. She said she wants three ten-pieces in separate boxes, so she wouldn’t let me change it.”

Manager: *trying not to laugh, gets the nugget boxes from the grill and holds them up, and shows the customer* “Two ten-piece nuggets.”

(She holds them far apart. Then she brings them together.)

Manager: “One twenty-piece nugget. It’s three dollars cheaper. This girl is not a high school dropout; she is six credits away from her Associate’s, is on the dean’s list, and is majoring in engineering. What was your degree in?”

(My eyes were wide. I mutely handed the customer her change with her receipt. She glanced at it and asked why I didn’t change the price. My manager stepped around me and closed the window. She was easily the most difficult customer I have ever worked with.)

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This Is Obviously Not Your Field

, , , , , | Working | September 28, 2018

(I work in IT. This has happened at my job more times than I can count.)

Supervisor: “I need you to add a new field to this screen. It’s a birthdate.”

Me: “Gotcha.”

(One hour later:)

Supervisor: “So, are you done?”

Me: “Not yet.”

Supervisor: “Why the heck not? What’s taking so long? It’s just one field! It’s a simple change!”

Me: “Yes, but first I have to find an appropriate spot for it on the screen. Then, I have to code it. Then, I have to put in edits, so that the users can’t enter something silly like February 31st, or a future date, since it’s a birthdate. Then, I have to ensure that the data entered is propagated to the database that’s keeping track of all the data on the screen. Then, I have to ensure that the birthdate is being sent properly to the other programs that use this screen for input.”

Supervisor: “…”

Me: “I haven’t even mentioned having to test it and document it. Shall I go on?”

Supervisor: “Just stop making excuses and get it done!” *leaves*

(I wouldn’t mind so much, but my supervisor used to be a programmer himself. He had evidently forgotten how much time a “simple change” takes.)

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