Stupid Jerk Humor

, , , , , , , | Romantic | March 4, 2018

(I am speaking with my wife while on lunch. She is doing computer work at home.)

Me: “You know, it upsets me that most of the chicken from Louisiana is so mean.”

Wife: “What?”

Me: “Yeah, you know, all that jerk chicken from Louisiana.”

Wife: *typing in the background*

Me: “Hello?”

Wife: “Jerk chicken is Jamaican, not creole.”

Me: “You looked that up, didn’t you?”

Wife: “Yes. I thought you were wrong; I just had to make sure.”

(More conversation, and then…)

Me: “You know, it upsets me that most of the chicken from Jamaica is so mean.”

Wife: *laughs uncontrollably*

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If Wishes Were Horses

, , , , , | Right | March 4, 2018

(Our store price-matches to any place with a brick and mortar store, or to Amazon as long as the item is sold and shipped by Amazon and is the exact same item that they want to have us match — same brand, quantity, etc. The following conversation happens way more than it should.)

Customer: *talking with a very sarcastic, rude tone to start with* “Yeah, this charging cord is $9.99, but its only $1.50 online. Am I missing something?”

Me: “Oh, well, we do price-match within certain guidelines, so let’s go where it is cheaper online. Do you have the item pulled up on your phone?”

Customer: “No, I just want to know why it is so expensive here. What am I missing?”

Me: “Well, that is pretty standard pricing as far as I know, although it may be on sale online. Can I see what one you were looking at that was cheaper?”

(The customer grumbles and pulls up his phone to Amazon.)

Customer: “Here! Why is yours so much more?!”

Me: *see’s that he has pulled up a cheap, knockoff brand that is one-foot shorter than the one he is looking at in the store* “Oh, it looks like this item is a different brand and length, so that would explain the price difference.”

Customer: “No, it doesn’t; I want to know why yours is so much more expensive than the same thing online?!”

Me: “Sir, it is not the same thing; the one in our store is a very reliable, high-quality brand, and is a full foot longer than the cheap, knockoff brand on Amazon. It isn’t the same.”

Customer: “What are you? Thick? Answer my question!”

Me: *really trying to keep my cool and deciding to try and shock him to his senses* “Sir, I want to buy a horse.”

Customer: “No, I… Wait, what?”

Me: “I want to buy a horse. I look at two different ones. One is beautiful, healthy, purebred, and proven to be a wonderful racehorse. The other one has short legs, isn’t reliable, and it’s ugly. The first, perfect horse is $10,000; the second, ugly horse is only $100. Now, are these horses the same?”

Customer: “Uh…”

Me: “You see, they are the same in the fact that they are horses, just like these are both charging cords, but they are being sold by different people and are completely different bloodlines, health statuses, and reliability. So, why would I expect the $10,000 horse to be given to me for only $100, the same price as the terrible horse from the knockoff owner? I wouldn’t, because that is silly, isn’t it?” *I smile sweetly at the customer*

Customer: *starts getting red* ” I! You! Oh, forget it!”

(He throws the item down and stomps out. My manager walks up:)

Manager: “Did you just get that idiot to leave by comparing our product to horses?”

Me: “Yep!”

Manager: “I owe you lunch!”

(I have since tried that line of conversation on similar situations, and it usually gets the customer to see sense!)

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Abusing Their Position

, , , , | Learning | March 4, 2018

Me: “Hello, I’m calling to drop out of college, as I can no longer attend.”

Worker: *takes my information* “You’re a financial aid student?! Because you’ve done this, you won’t be able to get aid in the future!”

Me: “All right.”

Worker: “How irresponsible! No matter what is going on, you should prioritize your education!” *continues to rant*

Me: *when she’s finished* “Could you please transfer me to your manager?”

Worker: “Why?”

Me: “Because people fleeing domestic abuse shouldn’t be treated this way.”

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Climbing For Attention

, , , , , | Right | March 3, 2018

(I work at a rock climbing gym. We run a program on the weekends where staff members handle all the ropes and gear so that kids can get a chance to climb. The kids are split into groups of three and take turns climbing with us. We’ve just started when one of the mothers comes up to me.)

Customer: “My daughter isn’t getting to climb.”

Me: “It’s not her turn quite yet, but she’ll get to go soon. There are only three people in the group, and it usually moves pretty fast.”

Customer: “That’s not acceptable.”

Me: “Um, what’s not acceptable?”

Customer: “We’re here for her to climb. She needs to be climbing.”

Me: “She will! It will just be a few minutes before her turn, and she can play in the play area while she’s waiting.”

Customer: “No. We paid for her to climb, not to wait around. I need someone else to come work with her.”

Me: “I’m sorry. We can’t do that as part of this program. If you really want, I can book her a private lesson, but it’ll be twice the price and you have to book at least two weeks in advance.”

Customer: “Well, if she can’t get a personal coach, we might as well not even be here. Can I get a refund?”

Me: “Uh, sure, I guess.”

(I give her the refund, and she goes and makes her daughter, who has been waiting perfectly patiently for her turn, take off all her gear, which they leave in a heap on the floor for me to pick up. As they’re leaving…)

Customer’s Daughter: “Why don’t I get to climb?”

Customer: *snootily* “We’ll come back when you can do it by yourself.”

(The visibly disappointed daughter was dragged out of the gym, not having gotten to climb at all.)

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Like Giving Candy To An Army

, , , , , | Related | March 3, 2018

(My mother-in-law texts me for my husband’s APO. Before I give it to her, I double-check with my husband via Skype chat, asking if he wants her to have it.)

Husband: “Yeah, it’s okay. Just tell her not to send me candy because I’m trying to eat less sweets, just like before I deployed. Beef jerky and non-sugary mints are good, as well as useful stuff like razors, soap, deodorant, and toothpaste. And tell her not to send anything she’d want me to bring back home, because I don’t want to have to try to pack extra bulls*** when it’s time to head back.”

(I relay this to her as, “[Husband] says to not send candy or useless junk, but please send jerky, razors, soap, deodorant, and/or toothpaste.” A few days later, she texts me, asking if there’s anything specific he has said he needed.)

Me: “He asked me to pick up a few things for him, but I’ve already bought them and will be shipping them out later this week.”

Mother-In-Law: “Okay, well, I’m going to send him a big bag of those Red Hots candies.”

Me: “I told you that [Husband] asked that you not send him any candy, though. If you want to send him something cinnamon, send him cinnamon-flavored mints, the kind that don’t melt. I’ve got a small container of them for him in the stuff I’m sending.”

Mother-In-Law: “Well, he didn’t tell me not to send candy, so I’m sending them, anyway.”

(Later that evening, my husband video calls me over Skype and asks if I’d picked up the things he’d asked for.)

Me: “Yeah, I did and will send them soon.” *pause* “By the way, your mom says she’s sending you a big bag of Red Hots in her care package.”

Husband: *sighs* “I thought you told her not to send me candy. I know I asked you to tell her.”

Me: *rolls eyes* “Yeah, I did tell her, but she said that you didn’t tell her, so she was sending it, anyway.”

Husband: *rolls eyes and shrugs* “I’m sure [Soldier] would like to have a giant bag of those.”

(I feel sorry for my husband, because she’s probably going to send him lots of useless junk alongside the candy. But on the bright side: if she sends him crap that he doesn’t want or need, there are plenty of other soldiers who will appreciate it.)

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