They Don’t Want You Or Your Money

, , , , , , | Right | November 1, 2017

(I work in a locally owned craft store. An elderly man brings a bouquet of balloons to the register.)

Customer: *hands me the price slip* “I guess you want money now, don’t you?”

Me: “Um… Yes. Just let me calculate your total.”

Customer: “Well, that’s just like a woman, isn’t it? They always want money!”

Me: *speechless*

What A Pretentious Drip

, , , , | Working | November 1, 2017

(I am youngish-looking, so I often get bad service from places like banks or upper-class restaurants who think I’m just some teenage girl who can’t afford their services and is a waste of their time. It is raining really hard, so I decide to go get a coffee and shelter in a cafe. There is only one employee in there at the time, but it isn’t busy so I get to order right away.)

Employee: “You’re wet.”

Me: “Yes, it’s been raining all day.”

Employee: “Yeah, but you’re wet.”

Me: “I just escaped from the rain.”

Employee: “You’re dripping.”

Me: “Oh, sorry about that. Unfortunately, it rains so often here.”

Employee: “You’re dripping.”

Me: “Sir, can I order now?”

Employee: “But you’re dripping all over my floor.”

Me: “Sir?”

Employee: “Yes?”

Me: “When every other customer came in today, were they wet, and did they drip?”

Employee: “Yes.”

Me: “Did you tell each of them that they were wet and dripping, and expect them to apologize for it?”

Employee: “No.”

Me: “Well, then, can I order my coffee now?”

Failed The Pregnancy Test

, , , , | Working | November 1, 2017

(I’m picking up a prescription along with a couple of purchases.)

Cashier: “Here you are, sir. Also, would you be interested in our pregnancy tests?”

Me: “Uh, I’m male, so, no.”

Cashier: “Perhaps for your girlfriend?”

Me: “No?”

Cashier: “Come on, now. A strapping young man like yourself? It’s always good to be safe.”

Me: “I’m really not interested. I doubt a pregnancy test would even be effective with me. A condom sounds more reliable.”

Cashier: “Ah, but they can fail!”

Me: “It’s still a no.”

Cashier: *suddenly furious* “WELL, WHY NOT?”

Me: “Because I think it’s doubtful my boyfriend will come up to me and say he might be pregnant.”

Cashier: *pauses* “Oh, well, you didn’t have to be so rude!”

(After I paid and before the receipt printed, the cashier just walked away. The kicker: I go there every year for gay sexual health checkups. He actually knows my boyfriend and me well, and he has always known that I’m gay.)

Enough To Make You Foam At The Mouth

, , , , , , , | Right | November 1, 2017

(I am working at a coffee shop. We are a popular place for people to go before they start their commute to work and, as such, we’re always slammed in the morning. This morning is no different, with a line out the door. We have three registers open, but the drinks still funnel to the one person making drinks, so wait times can be rather long. I am at a register ringing people up.)

Me: “Can I help the next customer?”

Customer: “Yes, I would like a large, non-fat, bone-dry cappuccino.”

Me: “All right, a large, non-fat, bone-dry cappuccino. Just to make sure I understand you properly, you want two shots of espresso and a cup full of non-fat foam?”

Customer: “I said, ‘bone-dry,’ didn’t I?”

Me: “Just making sure. Your total is [amount], and your drink will come up over on the counter. Can I please get a name for the cup?”

(The customer gives me her name, pays, and moves over to wait for her drink. I ring up a few more customers before my manager comes over and asks me to take over for the person at the bar, as they need a break. I move over and start making drinks. I eventually get to the bone-dry cappuccino. One thing to know about non-fat milk is it doesn’t make great foam. It takes a lot of time, patience, and skill to get 20 ounces of usable foam. I end up steaming two pitchers of milk to get enough foam for her drink. I am newer at the time and don’t have all that much skill yet. I finish the drink and hand it out.)

Me: “I have a large, bone-dry cappuccino for [Customer].”

(The customer comes over and picks up the drink.)

Customer: “What is this? It’s empty!”

Me: “It is your bone-dry cappuccino; it is not empty.”

(The customer takes off the lid and looks in.)

Customer: “This is nothing but foam! Why would I want a cup of foam? I asked for a hot chocolate! How hard is that to get right?!”

(I put on my upset customer smile.)

Me: “I’m very sorry about that. I can remake it for you.”

(I take back the drink, make a hot chocolate and hand it out a minute later.)

Me: “Here you are, one large hot chocolate. I hope you enjoy your day!”

(The customer takes a sip of the drink.)

Customer: “This has milk in it, and I don’t taste any coffee! I’m lactose intolerant; are you trying to kill me?!”

Me: “Ma’am, you ordered a non-fat cappuccino and then decided you wanted a hot chocolate. At no point did you ask for something with soy, which is our only non-dairy option. Did you want a soy latte?”

Customer: *shouting* “No! I don’t drink soy! It makes you into a f****** [homophobic slur]. All I asked for was a large black coffee, and you are too stupid and slow to figure out how to make one. I’ve been waiting 20 minutes for a black coffee! How incompetent are you?!”

(At this point the entire cafe is silently staring at this woman. I walk over, get a coffee, and put it down on the counter in a controlled manner.)

Me: *in a very measured tone* “I hope you have a wonderful day.”

(The customer looks at me and then at everyone else. She looks like she wants to say something. After a minute she finally takes the coffee and flounces out.)

Manager: “I’m going to take over for you. Why don’t you go into the walk-in for a few minutes. Just so you know, it is sound proof.”

(And I did, and it was sound proof.)

A Lawless Rabble

, , , , , | Right | October 31, 2017

(I’m the last in line and there’s only one cashier — perhaps the only employee in the whole store. She finishes ringing out the first customer, then puts a closed sign on her register.)

Cashier: “I’m so sorry, but I’m required to take a break right now.”

(She quickly leaves before the grumbling starts. The other three customers in line are furious.)

Customer #1: “I can’t believe this! What a lazy b****!”

Customer #2: “You’d think the store would care that there. Are. Customers. In. LINE.”

Customer #3: “I’m calling her manager. I’ll have her fired!”

Me: *finally deciding enough is enough* “Denver requires companies to give breaks, even if you’re the only one working.”

(They round on me, then stop. I’m a tiny woman in a wheelchair, and that seems to give them pause.)

Customer #2: *red-faced* “Well… Well, I guess if it’s the law.”

(They turned back around and patiently waited. The cashier was back within five minutes, but they didn’t say a word.)

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