(I work at a European grocery store, in Australia. Our card reading machines are a bit crappy and have a few steps to them, including a screen that asks the customer if they would like to take cash out, a screen asking them to select their account using the numbers on the PIN pad, and then a screen telling them to enter their PIN. The next person in line at my till is a young woman, but a man has perhaps unintentionally put his one bottle of liquor in front of her groceries. He walks forward expectantly, assuming I will now serve him first. I glance over to the young woman and she gives me a little shrug which I take to mean she doesn’t mind if I take care of the man first, and avoid possible trouble.)

Me: “Hi! How are you today?”

Old Man: “I want $60 cash out.”

Me: “Sure thing. You’ll just need to insert your card for me.”

Old Man: *tries to insert his card upside down*

Me: “Round the other way, please, sir.”

Old Man: *grunts but manages to put it in right*

Me: “Okay, so, what I need you to do is just type in ‘60’ and then hit the ‘okay’ button there at the bottom for me.”

Old Man: *more grunts*

(I see he’s struggling a bit so I reach over and type it in for him, and then turn the machine back to him. I’m already panicking because he obviously is going to be difficult and the lady he pushed in front of is going to have to wait even longer. I explain that he needs to select his account.)

Old Man: “Well, I want a cheque.”

Me: “No problem, just hit whatever number it says cheque is.”

(I watch him try and fail to hit the “CHQ” button instead of the number multiple times before I pull the machine toward me and select number three for a cheque. By this point, he is beyond agitated and snaps at me.)

Old Man: “Do you want my PIN number, too, girl? Want to put that in for me?”

Me: “No, you can do that yourself, sir.”

(I turn the machine back to him and he enters his PIN, but doesn’t hit “okay” to actually finish the transaction.)

Me: “Sir, just hit ‘okay’ for me, please.”

Old Man: “Okay?”

Me: “Yes.”

(The old man proceeds to pull his card out without hitting “okay,” completely canceling the transaction. I am internally screaming by now.)

Me: “Sir, you needed to press ‘okay.’ You pulled your card out before it was ready and now you need to do it again.”

Old Man: *now practically yelling* “You said it was okay.”

Me: “No, I said you needed to press ‘okay,’ the green ‘okay’ button at the bottom of the machine, which tells the machine that you have finished entering your PIN.”

(The man now hands me his card.)

Old Man: “You do it, then, if you think I’m so incapable!”

(I’m wishing I could tell him just how incapable I really think he is, but I just run his card again, enter his cash-out amount, select cheque, and then hand it back to him for him to enter his PIN. He enters it, finally presses ‘okay,’ and the till tells me it’s processing.)

Old Man: “Is it ready yet?”

Me: “Not quite; it will beep.”

(The machine beeps and my heart is racing at this point.)

Me: “Okay, sir, you can remove your card. Here is your cash; have a good day.”

(He grumbled off and I apologized profusely to the lady who was supposed to be before him. Thankfully, she was cool about it and said I had handled it well. He was only buying one thing and his transaction was honestly one of the longest and definitely the worst one I had that entire day. People can be so awful.)

(I’m at a baseball game with some friends, and on this occasion, I’m the designated driver. Before the first inning starts, I go to a concession stand to get a hot dog and a bottle of soda. Despite a man and his two kids making requests of the other vendor, the hot dog comes with no trouble. The soda, however…)

Me: “Excuse me, I asked for a bottle, not a fountain drink.”

Vendor #1: “The bottles aren’t cold.”

Me: “That’s fine. I’ll still take it.”

Vendor #1: “They’re not cold!”

Me: “And that’s fine. It’s liquid, it tastes better than the swill from the fountain, it’ll help break down any fat in this hot dog, and it’s non-alcoholic so I can drive myself and my friends home. Now, may I have a bottle of [Soda]?”

Vendor #1: “THEY’RE! NOT! COLD!”

Vendor #2: “[Vendor #1], that doesn’t bother him.” *hands me a bottle* “Sorry about that.”

Vendor #1: “That’ll be [total].”

(I pay, get my change, fish a dollar out of it, and go to tip like I always do.)

Me: “Oh, wait. You wouldn’t get my order. That was her. And she was busy with her own customers.”

(As soon as I finish, I put the single away, pull out a twenty, and hand it to [Vendor #2], instead.)

Vendor #2: “Thank you, sir! And God bless you!”

(I told my friends what happened before the game started. I went back to the stand three more times, but I still got [Vendor #2] two of those times, so she walked away with $40 in tips just from me while [Vendor #1] never saw a dime. My friends, however, decided to get all of their beer from that stand. While I don’t know what they tipped, I do know they followed my pattern. Based on how many times they went to get drinks, I can only imagine what she raked in from us. I also hope [Vendor #1] learned his lesson.)

(I got this scam call last week, and I thought I’d play along.)

Caller: *heavy accent* “Hello, this is Patrick from Microsoft and I have been receiving messages that your computer has a virus.”

Me: “That’s terrible!”

Caller: “If you would go to your computer now and turn it on…”

Me: “You guys haven’t fixed it yet?”

Caller: “What?”

Me: “On Monday, Charles called and said he could fix my computer. I gave him my credit card number and he charged me $350.”

Caller: “Charles did?”

Me: “Yes. William said if I paid $728, my computer would be fixed.”

Caller: “Well, he called from Windows Support; I am calling from Microsoft.”

Me: “Yes, that was where James was calling from, too, on Thursday when I gave him my credit card number and he charged me $93.”

(This went on for about ten minutes. I would always use a different name, day, and dollar amount each time I said I gave my credit card number. It confused “Patrick” so much that he thanked me for my business and hung up. I haven’t had a call now for two weeks!)

(I work in an office which supplies personal alarm systems to elderly people. This daughter calls for her mother and she’s already angry at the start of the call.)

Caller: “I just upgraded my mother’s landline to digital and I want to know how much it’ll cost to upgrade her personal alarm system.”

Me: “All right, I can help with that. What are your mother’s birthdate and name?”

Caller: “I’m not going to give you that. I just need to know what it costs!”

Me: “Ma’am, I need to know what type of alarm you mother has before I can answer that.”

(We have a scheme where we replace the oldest systems with new ones whenever someone who has such an old system calls.)

Caller: “Look. I need to know what it costs; it doesn’t matter what type of alarm she has!”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t answer…”

Caller: *interrupting me rudely* “I DON’T CARE! JUST GIVE ME THE PRICE!”

Me: “I’m so sorry, but the middle of my sentence seemed to interrupt the beginning of yours. But, as I said, I can’t answer your question if I don’t know the brand of the alarm system.”

Caller: “Why not?”

Me: “Because it’s dependent on the brand of alarm.”

Caller: “Okay, but I STILL FIND IT VERY RUDE TO ASK THAT INFORMATION!”

(She proceeds to give the info and, lo and behold, her mother actually has the old type of system, so she’ll get a replacement with no costs involved.)

Me: “Well, I can see it’s [Brand]; we can replace that for a new one with no costs for your mother.”

Caller: “Look, she doesn’t need a new one. I want to know WHAT IT’LL COST TO MAKE IT DIGITAL!”

Me: “I understand, but it’ll be free.”

Caller: “But WHAT WILL IT COST? I don’t know why this so difficult for you to understand!”

Me: “Ma’am, I do understand you, but I don’t think you understood me. It’ll be free! As in no cost.”

Caller: “Oh, okay… Thank you.”

(She then hung up! I didn’t have her phone number so I couldn’t call her back to check if all the information we had was still correct. So, I called her mother — we had no other numbers on file — to check. This 89-year-old lady was really polite and so, so happy that she was going to get a new personal alarm system! The daughter called the next day to ask why it hadn’t been replaced yet.)

(I work at a small corner store where we only have two registers. I am currently manning register #1, while register #2 is closed as my coworker is on cleaning duty. I have no line as a customer comes up and starts unloading onto register #2.)

Me: “Excuse me, sir. Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, you can. Over here.”

Me: “I am sorry, sir, that register is currently closed as I am here by myself. Could I get you to move over here?”

Customer: “H*** no. I am over here and you just have to move your lazy a** over to the customer.” 

Me: “I am very sorry, sir, but that register is currently closed. I can help you over here.”

Customer: “Fine. I’ll move, since you’re soooo unwilling to move a few feet over here.”

Me: “Again, I must inform you, that register is closed. Closed.”

Customer: “Hmpf. It is just a far from here to the lottery terminal as from over there.”

Me: “Sir! The other register is closed! C-L-O-S-E-D. CLOSED.”

Customer: “That wasn’t so hard, now was it? God, you really are lazy when you can’t even walk two feet over there.”

Me: *now pointing to the two registers* “CLOSED. OPEN. OPEN. CLOSED!”

Customer: “Lazy S.O.B.!” *pays and walks away*