I am showcasing an Apple TV setup to a customer. One of the Apple shows, “For All Mankind,” is playing the trailer. It’s an alternative history show about what might happen if the Russians landed on the moon first and the space race never ended.
Customer: “What’s this bulls***?! We landed on the moon first! Not those d*** commies!”
I explain the premise of the show, which does little to assuage his contempt.
Customer: “Maybe if they taught the truth instead of this ‘woke’ crap, our country wouldn’t be full of so many d*** snowflakes!”
Me: “Yes, sir, nothing more dangerous than alternative facts, right?”
Customer: “That’s right!”
The customer did not buy the Apple TV. Worth it.
I’m the author of this story. For a while, I work in a call center located in a shabby apartment. There are two rooms: one for the smokers and one for the non-smokers. One of the workers is a drama queen, barely eighteen and chain-smoking already. One day she is caught slacking and the boss transfers her to the non-smokers room as punishment. She goes to her assigned desk and starts placing calls, moaning and whining as she waits for the connection. This starts to grate on everyone else’s nerves pretty soon.
Smoker: “God, I wish I could have a smoke.”
Smoker: “It’s not fair that I can’t smoke.”
Smoker: “How am I supposed to stay here until nine and not have a smoke?”
Other Worker: “How am I supposed to stay here until nine and listen to your b****ing? Give us a rest.”
Smoker: “No, you give me a rest! You don’t get it. I’m gasping. I need to smoke! SMOKING IS BETTER THAN ANYTHING!”
There was a moment of silence and then everyone lost it, even those who were in conversation with customers. Blushing up to her hairline, the girl stood up and left. It’s the only time I saw someone actually laughed out of a room.
Related:
Relentless Puffs Of Irony
My family runs a small takeout place. We are open on July 4th.
Customer: “Why are you open today? That’s practically un-American!”
Me: “Our family will get together tonight and enjoy each other’s company.”
Customer: “You’re all communists for being open today! It’s treason! You should be closed for the holiday!”
Me: “So, you’re saying that instead of deciding our own hours and opening at times to maximize profits, we should be forced to close by a government-mandated holiday?”
Customer: “Yes!”
Me: “Yeah, you shouldn’t be the one accusing me of being communist.”
Related:
In Soviet America, Product Buys You!
I open a ticket to [Cell Phone Company] software centre, including the software, the type of bug, and the version number.
Support: “Your problem is soon to be solved. But we need some more information; please include: 1, software; 2, type of problem; 3, version number.”
I return the email with the information already provided. I get the same response. I open another ticket, fill in the boxes, and so on in an identical way. And I get the same response. Eventually, I end up sending TEN identical tickets and getting no solution, just a constant back-and-forth with requests for further information from me. I get fed up and phone the head boss in Stockholm.
Head: “I’ll be sure to follow up on your bug!”
Then, I get an angry email from the [Cell Phone Company] development department.
Development: “We have over ten tickets from you, but you refuse to tell us the version number, the software, or the kind of problem.”
Me: “I will not use your services anymore. Thank you.”
I work as a waiter at a fine-dining establishment. We have a mandatory 10% tip for large bills; however, most tables pay much more as a big meal means a lot of work for the wait staff. One night, we have a party that spends $5,000 on dinner.
After paying the bill for the table, the patriarch of this particularly frugal family pulls me aside, gives me a pat on the back, and tells me:
Customer: “You did a great job!”
He then decided to tip me a toonie and two quarters.
Related:
Loonie Over A Toonie, Part 8
Loonie Over A Toonie, Part 7
Loonie Over A Toonie, Part 6
Loonie Over A Toonie, Part 5
Loonie Over A Toonie, Part 4
