Don’t Name-splain Me!

, , , , , | Working | March 5, 2021

My name itself isn’t uncommon, but the pronunciation is. I’m used to correcting people about it, and most of the time, they’re understanding. I’m out grocery shopping. I buy wine, and I show the cashier my ID.

Cashier: “Oh, [Common Pronunciation Of My Name], that’s a great name!”

Me: “It’s actually [Correct Pronunciation], but thanks!”

Cashier: “You’re wrong, though. It’s always been [Common Pronunciation].”

Me: “That’s the more popular version; I have the German variation. It’s spelled the same, which is why a lot of people get confused.”

Cashier: “No, you’re lying. I bet that ID is fake.”

I’m super confused at this point. The cashier pages a manager, who already looks annoyed.

Manager: “What’s going on?”

Cashier: “She’s trying to use a fake ID to buy alcohol!”

Manager: “Can I see it?”

The cashier hands it over. The manager turns it a bit, checks both sides, and then looks at the cashier.

Manager: “Why are you saying it’s fake? It looks real, all the info looks right, and she’s over twenty-one.” 

Cashier: “She’s made up some s*** about her name being pronounced [Correct Pronunciation]!”

Manager: *Pauses* “Is that really why you’re saying it’s fake?!”

Cashier: “It’s always [Common Pronunciation]! She’s making it up to try to use someone else’s ID!”

Manager: “It’s not fake. [Correct Pronunciation] is a variation on that spelling. Please finish ringing her up, including the alcohol.”

The manager handed my ID back. The cashier refused to speak to me for the rest of the transaction. My receipt had a survey link at the bottom, and I made sure to note the incident in it.

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Good Pizza Is Worth Waiting For

, , , , | Right | March 4, 2021

I am a regular customer at a chain pizza store that runs a particularly good deal for a large pizza for about $8. As we order from them roughly once a week, they know my order by heart and know my car when I pull up. When you walk in, there is a large screen that shows the status of your order. I see that mine will still be in the oven for a few minutes.

Employee: “[My Name], right?” *Checks for my order* “Um… It’s not ready yet.”

He sounds nervous when he tells me.

Me: “That’s fine. I saw on the board that it wasn’t quite yet. I’m sure it won’t be too long.”

Employee: “Oh… Yes. I can ring you up now.”

Me: *Joking* “Do I get a prize for being the first person to read the sign today?”

Several of the employees laugh and one says, “That’s true.”

Employee: “Your total is [amount $1.50 less than normal].”

Me: “Huh? Um… That’s for the carryout, right?”

Employee: “Yes. See, here’s your coupon.”

He gave me the employee discount in addition to the deal. I’m not complaining, but now I wonder how people have screamed today about a two-minute wait.

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Bet You Dollars To Donuts They Won’t Eat Them All

, , , , | Right | March 4, 2021

I’m on vacation with my aunt and two cousins. They are about seven and eight and I’m about sixteen. My aunt is helping my younger cousin get ready, so she asks me to take my other cousin down to the lobby to help her get breakfast.

It’s a basic hotel breakfast: donuts, cereal, yogurt, and stuff like that. I give my cousin a plate and she immediately goes for a donut that’s on a tray. She reaches for one when the tray gets pulled away by a woman standing nearby. 

Woman: *Snarling* “Those are for my kids.”

I then realize she’s taken almost all the donuts and put them on a tray. It has to be at least fifteen donuts. There’s no one else in the lobby and she’s taken all these donuts to take upstairs to her room.

Me: *Deadpan* “Sorry she thought that big tray of donuts was for everyone.”

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His Brain Has Sprung A Leek

, , , , , | Working | March 4, 2021

When I’m at work, I frequently keep a mug of soup on my desk. My favorite kind is a creamy potato-leek combination. When sitting in a mug, it looks identical to coffee with cream. However, it smells nothing like coffee, of course.

I have a coworker who, in spite of frequent talkings-to by management, feels entitled to help himself to what others have. On the day in question, the office coffee machine is broken and my coworker has been grumbling about it near my desk.

I’m working on a report when he approaches me and looks down into my mug. Before I can say a word, he picks up my mug and takes a huge swallow. Then, he spits soup all over the floor.

Coworker: “THAT ISN’T COFFEE!”

Me: *Appalled* “I never said it was coffee! Who just picks up someone else’s cup and starts drinking? What is wrong with you, [Coworker]?!”

Coworker: “I wanted coffee! I need my coffee! Why did you trick me like that? How do you know I’m not allergic to whatever that is?”

I am beyond fed up.

Me: “Well, I hope you are! Maybe that will teach you not to steal someone else’s things!”

The coworker actually went to HR to complain about me “trying to kill him.” When they heard the entire story, he received a three-day suspension. I wish I could say that he learned his lesson, but when he returned, he still helped himself to other people’s things — just never mine again.

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So Simple A Newborn Could Do It

, , , , , , | Working | March 4, 2021

My wife and I are having our first child soon so we are trying to get the essentials bought as soon as possible. The most important, or at least the most expensive, is the stroller.

We go shopping at a baby store that sells cribs, car seats, and strollers. Once we get there, the salesman immediately comes over to greet us. He says a warm hello to my wife and her mother and then takes them off to see the strollers, leaving me to trail behind them.

The salesman is very enthusiastic and shows us a few strollers in our price range.

Me: “This one seems to be the best option, as far as I can tell. How does it fold up?”

The salesman reaches down and folds it up in one quick fluid motion.

Salesman: “Ta-da!”

Me: “Okay, but how exactly did you do that? It was too quick for me to follow.”

Salesman: *Turns to my wife* “He’s not so on the ball is he?”

Then, he turns back to me and speaks slowly, as if to a child.

Salesman: “You… hold… here… and… pull… up… on… the… handles… here.”

Then, he gave me a smug look and went back to talking to my wife. I didn’t bother asking any more questions about the stroller and went home steamed about the whole encounter. We did end up buying it, though.

Once the stroller got delivered, wouldn’t you know it, none of us could figure out half the things it did. Once the car seat was attached to the stroller, no one could figure out how to get it off. After an hour and several instructional videos online, we discovered that the detach buttons were actually invisible and hidden under a layer of padding. 

If only there had been someone whose job it was to demonstrate how it worked.

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