Can You Please Shut Your/The/A Mouth?

, , , , , | Working | March 23, 2018

(I start work at four am, and the only coffee place open at that hour in my town is at the gas station. I don’t know why, but the clerk at four am always likes to play grammar games.)

Me: “Can I have my receipt, please?”

Clerk: “It’s my receipt. It’s not your receipt until I give it to you.”

Me: “Whatever. Can I have the receipt?”

Clerk: “I can give you a receipt. If you want the receipt, you need to be specific.”  

(It’s not worth it anymore. I just head into work a little earlier and make my own coffee now.)

Armed With A Single Sentence

, , , | Right | March 22, 2018

(It is a couple weeks after a shooting at a theater only two hours away from ours.)

Customer: “That ‘No Weapons Allowed’ sign is stupid. People are going to bring in guns, anyway.”

Coworker: *rips her ticket* “Maybe, but that doesn’t mean weapons are allowed, and we have security measures in place to ensure everyone’s safety. Your movie is in theater two, on your left.”

Customer: “Well, I should be allowed to bring in a gun. If someone wants to shoot up the place, I should be able to shoot them first!”

Coworker: *not wanting to get into an argument about gun control* “Theater two, on your left.”

Customer: “I have the right to come in here with a gun to defend myself and my family. It’s not right that you want me to come in here without one!”

Coworker: “THEATER TWO, ON YOUR LEFT!”

The Origin Of Free Pizza

, , , , | Right | March 22, 2018

(There is a football match, called the State of Origin, between two of the Australian states — Queensland and New South Wales. It is taken quite seriously. I work in a pizza shop in New South Wales, but I am a Queenslander born. The customer in this story has come in later on in game time, ordered his pizza, and paid. After I have made his pizza and put it in the oven, he begins talking to me.)

Customer: “Do you know the score for the game?”

Me: “No. Sorry, mate, we don’t have a television here. Besides the fact that I volunteered to work this evening because I don’t watch football, I would be cheering for Queensland if I was watching.”

(He stares at me.)

Customer: “I don’t want a pizza made by a Queenslander.”

(He walked away. He never came back, and I got free dinner.)

They Have A Spotty Sales Record

, , , , | Working | March 22, 2018

(I’m about 16, and my self-esteem is at an all-time low. My family and I are doing Christmas shopping, so we’re walking through a mall. I walk by a kiosk that offers a brand-name acne wash “cure.”)

Attendant: “Oh, my God! Look at your face!”

(Way not to make me want to buy your product.)

Got A Different Reading Of The Situation

, , , , , , , | Learning | March 22, 2018

I have always been an avid reader, and always took a book with me to school because I rode the bus.

One day in my social studies class, we had a test. Half of the class time was set aside for the test, and I finished fairly quickly. Figuring I could put my time to good use, I pulled out my book and quietly started reading.

A minute later, my teacher was next to me berating me for reading in class. He said that it was test time and to put the book away. I apologized and then did what any book lover would do: I put the book under my desk and read it from there.

I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone, being told not to read in school.

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