I take pride in cooking customers’ orders to perfection, and I strive to always make the customer happy. We have one customer that this is impossible for, and they call back every time no matter what.

Caller: “You messed up my order… again!

I try not to let the strain show in my voice.

Me: “What is wrong with it this time, sir?”

Caller: “You undercooked the noodles! They’re hard!”

Me: “Sir, the noodles have actually been overcooked, as this is something you’ve complained about in the past.”

Caller: “Are you calling me a liar?!”

Me: “No, sir, I am just saying that you’re wrong.”

Caller: “You’re going to send me replacement noodles, and you’re going to refund me the original order for the inconvenience of making me wait!”

Me: “And I assume you won’t be returning the original noodles?”

Caller: “I’ll feed them to my dog so they don’t go to waste!”

I’ve finally had enough.

Me: “Today, sir, was your last meal from us. I am now deleting your account and blocking all of the numbers that you have ever called us from. When you call, you will get a never-ending elevator music tone. I am also taking the liberty of emailing every takeout place in a three-mile radius of our store to inform them of your selfish habit. We all talk to each other, and we all report customers like you. I will tell them what you do and how many times you have done it to us. I wish you many happy grocery-store-bought ready-meals from now on, sir.” *Click*

Related:
When Late-Night Fast-Food Workers Snap

One summer, I worked at a “hotel and day spa for dogs and cats”. You think they’re just being cute, but you could take your dog in for a massage, and only certain people were qualified to give dogs massages. (I was not one of them.)

The cheapest “suite” was $55 a night, and they went up to $135 a night, which got your dog a TV (tuned to Animal Planet or home videos), four walks a day (instead of three), a place on the rotunda that looked out into the office park, and a webcam so you could check in on your pets while on vacation.

Of course, we had some people that required bottled water for their pets, which they had to provide themselves. We even had one group of dogs that were accompanied on their stay by a small, wooden box containing the ashes of another dog!

However, my favorite was this one woman.

Customer: “I’d also like to request the special water for smaller dogs.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we don’t have anything like that.”

Customer: “I saw online that you had special water for smaller dogs! My dog is small, and I want him to have the special water!

I pulled up the website and read it.

Me: “Ma’am, the website says that we have special water dishes for smaller dogs, and I can, of course, ensure that your dog gets one of those.”

Customer: “You just changed that! You’re just being lazy! I want the special water for my dog! You just don’t like smaller dogs!”

After a few minutes of debate, my coworker overheard us and went to fill up a bowl with said “special water”, which happened to be very similar to tap water from the kitchen. She placed it next to the dog, who started lapping it up.

Customer: “There you go! Was that so hard?”

She paid and left her dog with us.

Me: *To my coworker* “Isn’t that technically lying?”

Coworker: “Did you hear me say anything to the customer?”

Me: “No… Oh! Very clever!”

Coworker: “Sometimes you just have to let them wear themselves out…”

Related:
H2-Slow, Part 26
H2-Slow, Part 25
H2-Slow, Part 24
H2-Slow, Part 23
H2-Slow, Part 22

An elderly man comes into the drive-thru with a coupon: two combos for $10.99. I punch everything in.

Me: “Your total is $11.54.”

He hands me fifty-five cents. I’m thinking, “Oh, he just handed me the loose change first and is going to hand me a twenty soon or something.”

Nope.

Me: *Politely* “Sir, you still need to pay the $11.”

Well! He isn’t having that!

Customer: *Upset* “But I gave you the coupon! Why should I have to pay?”

Me: *Again, politely* “The coupon is a discount off the full price, and the full price is somewhere closer to $18.”

Customer: *More upset* “But I gave you the coupon!”

Me: *Somehow still politely* “Yes, sir, and thank you, but the coupon is not money and it is not a gift certificate. It’s only good for about $7 off of the total, which is $18. You still have to pay $11.”

This goes on for a few more minutes. Thankfully, I have no other customers.

Customer: “I want to speak to the manager!”

No problem. I called her up from the office, and she tried to explain to him how coupons work before he declared that we were all idiots and he was never coming back here again.

My husband and I are renting an apartment. When we signed contracts, there was an option to pay either online or through check. Online had a 3% convenience fee, which was about $35 a month, but paying with a check didn’t. We opted to pay with checks.

I go to pay for the upcoming month.

Me: “Hi there. I am here to pay next month’s rent.”

The employee at the desk pulls up our account, makes a face, and shoves a paper across the table to me. 

Employee: “I need you to sign this.”

Me: “What’s this?”

Employee: “We’re creating an account for you and moving your payments online so we don’t have to keep going to the bank to deposit your checks.”

I glance through the paper and see that there’s still the convenience fee. 

Me: “Are you willing to waive the convenience fee?”

Employee: “No. You will need to pay that.”

Me: “No, thanks. We’ll continue to pay with checks.”

Employee: “We want to move everyone to online payments for our convenience.”

Me: “It’s more convenient for me to walk down here and save $35 every month. Unless you are able to waive the fee, I’m not signing up for online payments.”

She wasn’t pleased, and we went back and forth a little until I reminded her that in the contract we signed, only we could change how our payments were made; the apartment complex could not make the changes for us. I can’t say they were all that happy to see us when we went in to pay our rent and ask for receipts for the remainder of our time living there. I’m glad we never signed up for online payments because their reviews had many people complaining about extra withdrawals and continuing to be charged for rent after moving out.

Customer: “Can I get a discount?”

Me: “We’re not offering any discounts at the moment.”

Customer: “But I deserve a discount.”

Me: “Why?”

Customer: “Because I have cancer.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, but I can’t give you a discount for that reason.”

Customer: “How do you sleep at night?”

Me: “Much better, now that I am in remission from my breast cancer, thanks.”

The customer went white and paid the full price. This was three years ago, and I’m now in complete remission!