The Cookie Monster Isn’t The Biggest Monster Here

, , , , | Right | March 1, 2018

(I work in a restaurant that usually does parties for kids whose parents book in advance. We hire popular mascots, such as Mickey Mouse and The Cookie Monster. On this particular day, Cookie is doing the rounds, and we have this mother walk up to Cookie and me.)

Mother: “Excuse me, but my daughter would like the blue monster to deliver her meals.”

Me: “My apologies, but The Cookie Monster only delivers food to birthday children whose parents have booked in advance.”

Mother: “But we booked this table in advance! We paid more than them, so my daughter should get the monster, too.”

(It’s clear the kid is getting agitated at this point.)

Kid: “Mommy, I want the monster!”

Mother: “Don’t worry; you’ll get the monster.”

Me: “You won’t, unless you’re willing to pay the £35 extra birthday party fee and come back on another day when the monster isn’t fully booked.”

Mother: “I’m not coming back! I want the manager!”

Kid: *extremely stressed* “Mommy! Make him bring my food!”

(At this point the child kicked and slapped the monster, and the manager was called. The woman and child were escorted from the premises and banned from the restaurant.)

Legal Tender Fender Bender

, , , , , | Right | March 1, 2018

(A friend of mine is the customer in this story. He buys a car and has nothing but problems with the finance company. He gets so fed up that he goes to a credit union and gets a loan to pay off the finance company, but he asks for the loan proceeds in one-dollar bills. He then proceeds to unbind and crumple up every one of them, over three thousand, and put them into a black garbage bag. Then, he goes to the finance company.)

Friend: “I am here to pay off my car loan.”

Agent: “No problem; let me pull up your account. Okay, the payoff balance is [amount over $3000].”

Friend: “Here you go.” *hands [Agent] the black garbage bag*

Agent: “What’s this?”

Friend: “My payment.”

(The agent opens the bag and sees its stuffed full of one-dollar bills.)

Agent: “We can’t take this.”

Friend: “You have to take it; it is legal tender.”

(The agent calls over her manager, who tells her that they have to take it, as it is legal tender. They then ask for my friend’s help in counting it into stacks of 50. My friend purposely makes the stacks wrong, so they have to be done over and over. It takes a long time to have them count it all, but in the end it’s all there.)

Manager: “Okay, sir, here is your receipt. We hope you will do business with us again soon.”

Friend: “You have to say that, don’t you?”

Manager: “Yes, I do.” *walks away*

Stuck In A Holding Pattern

, , , , | Right | February 28, 2018

(I work in clothing retail in a small chain store. Most calls get redirected to my department, shoes, since the only other department with people in the immediate area is mens’. I’m also in the middle of a transaction when I get this call.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. This is the shoe department. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Ugh, I need someone from salon.”

Me: “Okay, may I put you on hold for a moment?”

Caller: “No, I need to speak to someone in the salon.”

Me: *thinking she didn’t hear me* “Okay, may I put you on hold for a moment?”

Caller: *huffs* “No! I don’t want to be put on hold!”

Me: *pauses* “Oh, well, I have to put you on hold for a moment to redirect you to the salon department.”

Caller: “Ugh! I don’t want to be put on hold! I just want to speak to someone in the salon!”

Me: *pauses to think* “I can put the phone down and go right over to the salon and get someone to come over to this phone.”

Caller: “No! I don’t want to be put on hold! I’ve been waiting all day!”

Me: *giving up* “Okay, is there anything I can do for you?”

Caller: “No! I need someone from salon!”

(My supervisor walks up and overhears what I’ve been saying.)

Supervisor: *to me* “No, you have to put them on hold.”

Me: *mouthing* “I know.” *into phone* “Well, I need to put you on hold for a moment, or I can just place the phone down and grab someone from salon.”

Supervisor: *to me* “No, you don’t need to do that.”

Caller: “No! I’m not going to be put on hold again, wait for 20 minutes, and get disconnected again!”

Me: “I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do for you, then?”

Caller: “I need to talk to someone in salon.”

Me: *tries from the beginning* “Okay, may I put you on hold for a moment?”

Caller: “No! I don’t want to be put on hold!”

Me: “Well, I have to put you on hold to—”

Caller: “Ugh! Fine, just put me on hold!”

Me: “Okay, one moment please.”

Caller: “Ugh! You’re so rude!”

(The salon picks up within a minutes and, when asked, the client seemed to be reasonably pleasant.)

Pumping Out Some Gender Bias

, , , , , , | Working | February 28, 2018

(I volunteer for a breastfeeding support organization that, among other things, hires breast pumps to women needing to express milk. One of our machines is acting up and, since the manufacturer’s recommended repairer is in another state, we are looking into other services that know small appliance motors. My colleague suggests her sewing machine guy.)

Guy: *chirpy* “Hello, [Sewing Machines].”

Me: “Hi, I was wondering if you service other small electrical appliances at all?”

Guy: *still chirpy* “All the time! What would you like me to take a look at?”

Me: “Great! Well, I’m from the [Organisation which includes the word ‘Breastfeeding’ in the name], and we’re having some problems with one of our electric breast pump machines, so we were wondering if you could take a look at it?”

Guy: *silence… then angry voice* “What do you think I am, some sort of perv?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Guy: *really angry, now* “This is ladies’ business! You should be asking the ladies about this!”

Me: “Well, I don’t know any ladies that can tell me if the drive belt is tensioned correctly. I just thought, seeing as you are an electrician, familiar with these kinds of motors, this would be something you could look at.”

Guy: *shouts* “I am not a pervert!” *hangs up*

(We ended up getting it serviced by someone’s 80-year-old engineer grandfather; so much for “ladies’ business.”)


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Maybe This Salesman Is As Green As Grass

, , , | Working | February 28, 2018

(A lawn care salesman knocks on our door and my mom answers it.)

Salesman: “So… You probably know why I’m here.” *gestures to the front lawn, which has a patch or two of clover and some crabgrass*

Mom: *raising one eyebrow* “Excuse me?”

(The salesman launches into his pitch. After explaining his company a little bit:)

Salesman: “So, which company does your lawn?”

Mom: “We do.”

Salesman: “Really? Are you sure you don’t want professionals to take care of it? It’s not looking so great.”

Mom: “No, thank you.” *closes the door, turns to me* “Even if I did want a professional lawn care service, I wouldn’t want one that insulted me the moment I opened the door!”

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