(I’m a female on-call locksmith. It is 3:00 am, in -16-degree weather. I go to the car that the person has been locked out of. I make them sign the paperwork, and I pop the lock in under five minutes.)

Customer: “Wait! Why should I pay $150 for something that only took you two seconds?!”

Me: “Because you couldn’t do it yourself.”

Customer: “You b****! I’m not paying this! I’m going to dispute the charges!”

Me: “Well, in that case…”

(I take the keys and throw them back into the car, lock the door, and slam it shut.)

Me: “Have a good night.”

Customer: “You can’t do that!”

Me: “You just said you were going to reverse the charges, so I’m reversing the job.”

(I got chewed out so hard for that, but it was worth it.)

This story is part of the Customers-Are-Their-Own-Worst-Enemy roundup!

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Customer #1: “You bake all of this French bread here?”

Me: “Yes, sir, every day.”

Customer #1: “Do you make the dough yourselves, or does it come in frozen?”

Me: “Oh, it comes in frozen. We bake more than 100 loaves of French bread a day on top of everything else we make, so we really wouldn’t have time to make dough from scratch.”

Customer #1: “So, you’re cheaters, then?!”

Me: *thinking he’s joking* “Yes, sir, we certainly are!”

Customer #1: “Well, that’s shameful!” *to another customer* “Did you know they don’t make the dough themselves?!”

Customer #2: “It only costs a buck a loaf, dude. What do you want from them?”

This story is part of our Bread roundup!

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Read the Bread roundup!

Customer: *on his cell phone, handing me a list* “I need all of these items.”

Me: “Okay, let me just get someone to help you.”

Customer: “Why can’t you just do it?”

Me: “I can’t leave the register.”

Customer: *shouting now* “I’M A VERY BUSY MAN!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry, sir, but I cannot leave the register. Let me just call someone for you.”

Customer: “HOW CAN YOU PEOPLE EXPECT TO RUN A BUSINESS! I NEED MY STUFF!”

Me: *on phone* “Could I have someone come up and help a customer please?”

Customer: *screaming over my phone call* “JUST GIVE ME MY D*** ITEMS! I NEED THEM!”

Me: “Someone is on their way to help you, sir.”

Customer: “I needed these items two hours ago; I couldn’t get here until now. My time is being wasted; MY TIME IS PRECIOUS!”

Me: “I don’t know what to tell you, scooter. Learn to manage your time better.”

This story is part of the Impatient Customers roundup!

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(A guy with a dog walks up to our car park.)

Guy: “Can I bring my dog in here so it can take a dump?”

Me: “Sorry, we can’t allow you to do that. Plus, you don’t even look like you’re carrying anything to clean up the mess.”

Guy: “No, I’m not carrying anything to clean it up so you’ll have to do that. My dog needs to go to the toilet. You’re not being very helpful here.”

Me: “Sorry, I’m just here to direct people to where they need to park.”

Guy: “Look, my dog needs to go to the toilet and I’m bringing it in.”

Coworker: “Look, you bloody moron. This is a car park, not a god-d*** toilet! Take your dog and piss off!”

Guy: “You are not being very helpful at all! I’m going to go and issue a complaint against you but after I bring my dog in here and let it do its business!”

Coworker: “You bring your dog in here and we’ll have you fined. This car park is located on government property and allowing a dog to go to the toilet carries a fine.”

Guy: “It’s people like you who are what is wrong with the world!”

This story is part of our Even-Crazier-Pet-Owners roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

23 Hilarious Stories About Taking Your Cat To The Vet!

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Customer: “My son let go of the balloons. I need more.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, that takes a long time to do and we’re very busy now. It will take at least an hour.”

Customer: “But the party is now! What the f*** am I supposed to do with no balloons?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, it takes a while. I will do them as fast as possible.”

(He leaves and I start to fill up so many balloons my fingers are red.)

Customer: “About time!”

Me: “Okay, sir. I’m sorry you lost the balloons, so I took 25% off.”

Customer: “You’re charging me for these?!”

Me: “Yes, you are buying more balloons.”

Customer: “But I just paid for balloons, and they flew away.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you bought them and you’re buying more. I need to charge you.”

Customer: “But this was your fault! You shouldn’t have made them so… floaty!”

Me: “I’m very sorry, but these are less… floaty.”

Customer: “Really?”

Me: *sarcastically* “Yes!”