(An upset customer approaches me, waving around a half-eaten bagel.)

Customer: “Who would put so much butter on a bagel?”

Me: “What’s the problem?”

Customer: “Do you seriously think it needs this much butter? Seriously?”

Me: “You want less butter?”

Customer: “The bagel is hot! Butter melts, and it dripped all over my shirt! This is a $50 shirt and it’s ruined! Why would you put so much butter on this? It’s ridiculous!”

Me: “I’m sorry. Would you like a refund?”

Customer: “I’d like you to pay for this shirt, is what I want! Who in their right mind puts on so much butter? Does this seem reasonable to you? Seriously! Look at how much butter is on it!”

Me: “Well, you did ask for extra butter, ma’am.”

Customer: “It’s ruined my shirt! So who’s going to pay for it? I’m not going to!”

Me: “Let me get our supervisor.”

(The supervisor proceeds to speak kindly to her, smile meekly, nod, and say, “mhmm,” a lot. She then gives the customer a complaint form to fill out. Somewhat calmer, and believing the supervisor was on her side, the customer takes the form and starts walking out.)

Customer: “Well, I’ll try washing the shirt, then, but if the stain doesn’t come out, someone here is going to be paying for this shirt! Seriously! Who actually thinks a bagel needs that much butter?”

This story is part of our Bagel roundup!

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(This happens at the end of the transaction, which up to this point had gone perfectly normally. The customer has paid in cash, with 40-some-odd cents in change.)

Me: “There’s your receipt, sir. Would you like to donate your change to the Children’s Miracle Network today?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Well, if someone has less than 50 cents in change back, I usually ask them if they would like to donate their change.”

Customer: “Donate?”

Me: “Yes, our company exclusively supports the Children’s Miracle Network. At every store, we have donation jars like this red one. We collect change for the Children’s Miracle Network.”

Customer: “What’s that?”

Me: “The CMN? It’s a non-profit that helps sick kids find hospitals and treatment.”

Customer: “Sick kids?”

Me: “Yes, if a child is terminally ill or sick with a rare disease, the CMN will help them find treatments and even help with bills and such.”

Customer: “There ain’t no sick kids!”

Me: *confused* “Yes, sir, plenty of kids are diagnosed with illnesses like cancer or other diseases.”

Customer: “Why are you doing this?!”

Me: “I’m sorry? Why am I doing what?”

Customer: “Lying to me! I don’t wanna hear about no sick kids! I gotta go to work! All I wanted was to buy my coffee! I didn’t want no guilt trip! Let me see your manager!”

(My manager had already heard the ruckus as she was crouched behind the counter collecting checks from the safe.)

Manager: “Yes, sir, how may I help you?”

Customer: “I just want my coffee! I don’t understand about these sick kids! Why did she tell me about the kids?”

Manager: “Are you confused about the CMN, sir? I actually have some brochures in the back that talk about their non-profit services.”

Customer: *throws hands in the air* “Argh! There ain’t no sick kids! Shut up about the sick kids! I don’t understand!”

(The customer storms out with his coffee, leaving me holding his change in my hand.)

Manager: “It’s nice when the customers want to donate their change. Really gives them a good feeling, you know?”

Me: *drops the customer’s change in the jar* “Yes, ma’am.”

This story is part of our Customers Who Dislike Charity roundup!

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(A little boy and his mother enter the store. The little boy is toting a fairly good-sized rock with both hands.)

Little Boy: “Mama, I want one of those toys for Christmas!”

(The little boy gestures to toys on display.)

Mother: “What do you want toys for? You don’t need toys! You have a perfectly good rock!”

This story is part of the Family-At-Christmas Roundup!

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(I am a 17-year-old girl working at a Boy Scout camp. It is close to the end of the summer and I’ve gotten very used to encounters like these. The camp has motorized canoes on the river because the boys are generally too weak to row upstream. Some dads tend to abuse the canoes. This particular dad is very obnoxious.)

Dad: *jumps into canoe*

Me: “Uh, sir, we actually need to go over safety rules before you guys can start with the canoes, okay?”

Dad: *blank stare*

Me: “So… I’ll have to ask you to get out of the canoe.”

Dad: *blank stare*

Me: *more sternly* “Sir! I really need you to get out now so we can get started.”

Dad: “No! You can’t tell me what to do! Do you think I don’t know how to use a canoe?!”

Me: “Well, I’m sure you are very experienced with canoes, but some boys aren’t, so we just want to make sure everyone knows the ground rules.”

Dad: “Do you know who I am? You can’t talk to me like this! Who do you think you are to talk to me like this? Do you know who I am? I have the power to fire your a**!”

Coworker: “Whoa, hey, calm down. You don’t need to talk to her like that. She’s just doing her job.”

Dad: “She works here?! So she, like, gets… paid and stuff?”

Me: “Yes, I get paid and stuff.”

Dad: “But you’re a girl!”

Me: “Yes, I am a girl.”

Dad: “At a Boy Scout camp?! This is just wrong! You can’t work here! Who hired you? What sick freak would hire a girl to do a man’s job?!”

(I begin writing names and numbers on a piece of paper.)

Me: “Okay, if you’d like to complain to my supervisor, here’s her number. Otherwise, you can talk to the camp director; her name is Elizabeth.”

Dad: *storms off*

(Later, I found out that this same dad attempted to pop a wheelie in the canoe and was put on our “do not canoe” list.)

This story is part of our Boy Scout roundup!

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(I’m stocking cans of soup at the end of an aisle when I hear a voice say, “Beep Beep!” I just ignore it but it continues to get louder. I turn around to see an elderly male customer with a shopping cart.)

Customer: “Beep, beep!”

Me: “Oh! Hi there. Did you need help finding anything today, sir?”

Customer: “Beep, beep!”

(He then proceeds to ram his cart into my butt multiple times.)

Me: “Oh, my, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I was in your way. I’ll move.”

Customer: “Oh, it’s okay, sweetie. I do that to all the pretty girls.”

Me: “Okay, well, I’ll let you go now.”

Customer: “Wanna share a can of soup, sweet cheeks?”

Me: *running away* “No, thank you!”

This story is part of our Soup roundup!

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