One of my colleagues is a naturopath and health nut. She’s noticed that I have a certain fondness for hot chips/fries and often buy them for lunch, and she’s taken to telling me how unhealthy, fatty, salty, etc. they are, in a vain attempt to improve my diet.

One day, just for a change, I decide to buy a sausage roll for lunch. My colleague notices this and proceeds to lecture me on how much worse this is for me, because of how many carbs are in the pastry and how much fat is in the meat.

The next day I buy chips again. I show them to my colleague and tell her that I went with the healthier option.

The horrified and appalled look on her face was priceless, and was well worth the earful she gave me!

(At age 16, I am volunteering for the first time at a concession stand at a college football game to raise money for my church. Directly above the stand, a large sign says, “SNOW CONES $6 CASH ONLY.” Two guys in their twenties, apparently tipsy, come up to the stand.)

Me: “Welcome to [University] Stadium! How can I help you?”

Customer: “Do you have beer?”

Me: “Sorry, but we only sell snow cones.”

Customer: “What? Where can I get beer?”

Me: “No alcohol is sold in the stadium, sir.”

Customer: “You’re f****** kidding me! Since when?”

Me: “As long as I know of.”

Customer: “Are you sure? You don’t have beer?!”

Me: “Quite sure. Would you like a snow cone?”

Customer: “I guess so. How much?”

Me: “Six dollars.”

Customer: “That’s so much!” *looks through his wallet* “Can I have it for five?”

Me: “Sorry, we can’t change the prices.”

(The customer hands me a credit card.)

Me: “Sorry, but the stands on this level are cash only. However, credit cards are accepted at stands on the ground floor.”

Customer: *to his friend* “What the f***?” *they start walking away*

Me: “Sorry for the inconvenience. Enjoy the game!”

Customer: “Are you sure you don’t have beer?”

(I am a manager in a bookstore owned by a chain that has recently filed chapter 11 bankruptcy. The chain is rearranging some management but has decided not to close any stores.)

Customer: “Hi, I was wondering when you’re having your out-of-business sale?”

Me: “We aren’t having one, luckily. The store isn’t closing.”

Customer: *angrily* “That’s not what I heard. When is your sale?”

Me: “I’m afraid there will not be one.”

Customer: “I know you’re closing. You need to tell me when your sale is.”

Me: “Again, I am sorry, sir, but we will not be closing, so there will not be a sale.”

Customer: “So, you won’t give me any discount on this?” *holds up item*

Me: “No, sir, as the store is not closing, I cannot give you a discount, and since you have been quite rude, I will not authorize one.”

Customer: “YOU’VE JUST LOST MY BUSINESS!”

Me: *nods* “All right, then. Have a pleasant day, sir.”

(We get new management and a supervisor, and no matter how we try, the supervisor and I just don’t get on the same page. We don’t hate each other, but he feels I’m not doing my work properly, and when I ask how to improve, I get vague comments. Plans are made to help me improve, but there are technical issues that prevent things from changing. I keep on asking for help, but I feel like I never get anything concrete to work on. The word “fingerspitzgefühl” is mentioned over and over again — “you just have to have the feeling for it.” When I get called into the office away from the rest of the team, I know what’s up, and I am told my contract will be terminated. It doesn’t matter that all but one of my clients are extremely satisfied with me; I just don’t have that “feeling.” I get a very generous offer, which my lawyer tells me proves they have nothing and just want to get rid of me. I accept the offer and go on an already planned vacation. My duties will be taken over by other colleagues, including a task only the most trustworthy of people can do — delicate financial work. During my vacation, I get a call from my supervisor. He wants to tell me this, before I hear rumours. From our team of eight people — me included — three were found out to have stolen from the company. They were supposed to take over my delicate task and their position was terminated immediately.)

Me: “Oh, wow. I never would have guessed that, especially from [Coworker].”

(They studied to become a lawyer.)

Supervisor: “Yeah, we are really understaffed now.”

Me: “Well, I’ll see what I can do when my vacation is over. I’ll be back next week for my final month. I hope you can find someone else soon!”

Supervisor: “Yeah… Well… Um… Yeah… Have a nice week.”

(The regret in his voice was clearly audible and I did a little victory dance. It may be petty, but to me it was wonderful to find out he put his trust in three fraudulent employees and fired me.)

(I’m working on the tills during a busy period. Our conveyor belts operate with a sensor, which is located towards the end of the belt. When it senses an item, it stops it automatically. I am serving one customer and remove their last item. This means the sensor is unblocked, and the conveyor belt moves up automatically until the next item is close to hand.)

Me: “Thank you. Have a nice day!” *I turn to the next customer, who is angrily straightening up her shopping* “Hello, how are you today?”

Customer: “My ornament fell over when you moved the belt. It fell on this plaque, and it is all scratched now! What am I meant to do?”

Me: “I am so sorry. Would you like me to get a member of staff to fetch you another? Or I could call my supervisor and get a reduction?”

Customer: *not even looking at me* “Don’t bother.”

Me: “I am sorry. But I do not control the conveyor belt; I have the buttons here to turn it off or on, but that’s it. I don’t control when it moves. It has sensors which moves it automatically.”

Customer: *looks sheepish* “Oh… I thought you had a pedal under your till.”

Me: “No, it is all automatic. Are you sure you wouldn’t like a replacement or a reduction?”

(The customer paid for her shopping and left, still looking a bit embarrassed. It was one of those days where everything was going wrong, so this was the icing on the cake for me! I appreciate she did seem sorry, but why do customers always blame the cashier first?)