(This time of year we sell pies: apple, cherry, pumpkin, and pecan. The pumpkin by far is the best seller right before Thanksgiving, but we always run out a few days before Thanksgiving because corporate doesn’t want any going to waste. Every year we have people who decide to take it out on us, and complain about our bakers “not making enough pies” when they all arrive after being flash-frozen by the factory, and we thaw them in our cooler. I am speaking with a woman in her late 40s to mid 50s.)
Me: “How are you today, ma’am?”
Customer #1: “I’d be better if your f****** bakers could learn to bake enough f****** pies for everyone!”
Me: “Ma’am, we don’t have any—”
Customer #1: “Every d*** year you guys run out of f****** pumpkin pies! Why can’t your bakers learn to f****** bake more?!”
Me: “Ma’am, our bakers only bake cakes in store; the pies arrive pre—”
Customer #1: “Oh, don’t give me those stupid excuses! Your bakers just need to start baking more!”
(This next customer is a woman who looks like she might remember the invention of sliced bread, and when Coke was considered a health drink.)
Customer #2: “Why do you guys always run out of pumpkin pies? Don’t you know you should be making pumpkin pies all day and all night so you don’t run out? You’ll make a lot more money that way!”
Me: “We actually have them delivered pre-made and flash-frozen, and we just thaw them out here. We don’t have any fresh-made pies in our store.”
Customer #2: “Wow! Really? Well, they taste handmade! But still, why don’t you just make more? You sell the pie filling and crusts! Just go grab them and make them yourself!”
Me: “Well, ma’am, you could do that, too, couldn’t you? Like you said, we have the pie filling and the pre-made crusts; you could buy them and make them yourself at home. Your family might like it better if you made it.”
(She then looks at me like I have three heads. The scoff on her face tells me she thinks cooking or baking herself is below her station. The next customer is an old man who looks like he might owe Methuselah some lunch money.)
Customer #3: “Where are your pumpkin pies? They’re not in front like they’re supposed to be.”
Me: “Sorry, sir, we sold the last one two days ago. The supervisor for bakery said we probably won’t have any more until the week before—”
Customer #3: “Such horses***! Don’t give me that f****** excuse! You go back there and tell them to bake more f****** pies!”
Me: “Sir, we don’t bake the pies here. They arrive frozen, and we thaw them in our—”
Customer #3: “BULLS***! I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FROZEN AND HANDMADE, AND THESE PIES ARE NOT FROZEN! STOP LYING AND MAKING EXCUSES, AND JUST TELL THEM TO BAKE MORE!
(And as he was saying this, the bakery department supervisor came by and told him again that we don’t bake any pies fresh, and even showed him on our pecan pies where it states the company that ships them to us. His face went red and he stormed off. I will never understand these people that blame their lack of a pie on the stores running out and not their own lack of planning.)
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