A customer comes in with his son.

Customer: “I need a baseball kit for my son.”

I show him the relevant section.

Me: “We have an extensive range here, sir.”

He stares at me expectantly.

Me: “Do you need further assistance?”

Customer: “Well, yes! I don’t know what he needs.”

Son: “Dad, I—”

Customer: “Not now, son. Adults are talking. Now, what will he need?.”

Me: “Well, he’ll need the gloves and recommended shoes, I would think. What hand does he pitch?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Son: “I pitch right, but Dad, I—”

Customer: “He pitches right.

I talk to the son directly, as he seems to want to say something.

Me: “And what size shoe are you?”

Customer: “Excuse me, I’m standing right here. Talk to the adult, please. Just measure him for the shoes.”

Me: “And if he needs the whole outfit, it’ll be easier to know his age.”

The father stares a little and then looks at his son, who looks like he’s given up.

Son: “Seven.”

Customer: “He’s seven.”

Son: “And he’s also playing softball, not baseball.”

Customer: “What? Why didn’t you say something?”

Son: “But Dad… adults were talking.” 

I liked the sass of that kid. I got him kitted out with the correct equipment, and Dad was sheepishly quiet for the rest of the transaction.

I work for an energy start-up that does consultancy for utility companies. We get customer calls periodically.

Caller: “I want to sue your power company!”

Me: “Okay, can you tell me what happened?”

Caller: “My air conditioning broke down! I’m in Oklahoma! It’s a hundred degrees out here!”

I look up her account.

Me: “Ma’am, I can see that you’ve never once had it serviced.”

Caller: “I don’t have time for that!”

Me: “And you’ve turned down our phone calls since it was installed. We would have scheduled some servicing if you’d taken those calls.”

Caller: “Look! No one told me I need to have it checked up!”

Me: “Because you didn’t take the calls. We also sent you an email recommending it be serviced before the summer heat.”

Caller: “You should do more than just email!”

Me: “We do. We call. Next time, pick up. Now, would you like me to schedule a technician, or do you still plan to sue us?”

She went with the technician.

I love to read, so on my two fifteen-minute daily breaks, I do exactly that: bury my face in a book and not interact at all with anyone. And even when I’m not on break, I don’t speak unless it’s work-related and I’m spoken to first; I prefer silently grinding away at the job. 

One day, I’m told to report to Human Resources. I step into the office.

HR Representative: “We have a complaint against you.”

Me: “Before we go any further, I want my manager to be present for this.”

So, my manager is summoned. He doesn’t take guff from anyone. The door closes, and the three of us are sitting at the table. I pull out my cell phone.

Me: “I intend to record this conversation. Do either of you have any objections?”

HR Representative: “No.”

Manager: “No.”

I activate the app on my phone that records conversations, and then I turn to [HR Representative].

Me: “Proceed.”

HR Representative: “A coworker has lodged a complaint against you.”

Me: “What is the complaint?”

HR Representative: “The coworker claims you never socialize on your breaks.”

Me: “[Manager], can you read my job duties, please? [HR Representative] should have a copy of my personnel file.”

[HR Representative] hands my personnel file over, and [Manager] reads every word of my job duties out loud.

Me: “[Manager], I notice that you didn’t say a word about socializing with others on my break being part of my duties. Is it possible, for the record, that you somehow missed that part and that requirement is in there?”

Manager: “Absolutely not. No such job requirement exists.”

Me: “I see.”

I fix [HR Representative] with a steely glare.

Me: “I think [Manager] has made it abundantly clear that this complaint is utter nonsense.”

[Manager] nods, and [HR Representative] sighs.

Me: “So, I assume this complaint will be trashed and you, [HR Representative], will tell whoever filed it to quit whining and not file any more false complaints against me.”

Manager: *To [HR Representative]* “I’m pretty sure I know who filed it, and if you don’t take action against them, I will take action against you.”

[HR Representative] looked like they wanted to be anywhere but in the room. With another sigh, they nodded meekly.

One of the members of my work group transferred to a different office the next day. There were no more complaints about my reading.

A nice (or so I thought) little old Russian woman who didn’t speak English very well came in one slow evening and ordered a foot-long tuna sandwich. I scooped the four scoops of tuna onto the bread, and that just set her off.

Customer: “More tuna! More!”

I knew this was going to be an ordeal, so I put a couple more scoops on. She still wasn’t happy. Before we got to the veggies, there were eight heaping scoops of tuna on that thing. Of course, she LOADED it with veggies.

Then, we got to the cash register.

Me: “That’s $6.70.”

I thought she was going to faint.

Customer: “I not pay that!”

I gave her the senior discount: 5%. Still not happy.

I gave her another discount: 10%. Still not happy.

I pushed for a related coupon discount just to get her out of the store: 25%

She straightened up, started swearing at me in Russian, told me what she thought of me and my place of business, and stormed out the door. 

Guess who had a hefty tuna sub on their lunch break?

I am a new home builder. An engineer has just moved into his new house. I get a call from him on a Sunday morning that I can hardly understand because he’s so mad. After he calms down, he tells me:

Caller: “I started my dishwasher and went upstairs to get ready for church, and when I came back down, my entire kitchen was filled with bubbles!”

Me: “I see.”

Caller: “You installed a defective piece of s***! You’re going to replace it and compensate me!”

Me: “Have you owned a dishwasher before?”

Caller: “No, but I’m an engineer! I know I didn’t break it!”

Me: “What brand of dishwashing capsules did you put in it?”

Caller: “Capsule? I just used the dish soap!”

Me: “You just used regular dish soap.”

Caller: “Yes, because it’s a dishwasher! I’m not an idiot!”

I had to find a way to tell him that yes, in fact, he was.