(I work at a big chain grocery store. Normally, I collect carts from the parking lot, but today, they are short staffed and I am “blessed” with the task of bagging groceries.)

Me: “Paper or plastic?”

Customer: “I want the things that go upstairs in plastic and the things that go downstairs in paper.”

Me: “Sure, we can do that.”

(The scanned items start coming down the belt. I am waiting for the customer to tell me what goes where when they decide to look up and see me not working.)

Customer: “Get moving. I don’t have all day.”

Me: “I need you to tell me which goes in each bag.”

Customer: “I have been coming here for years!”

Me: *confused* “And we appreciate your business.”

Customer: “I shouldn’t have to tell you people this every time I come in here.”

Me: *trying to be polite* “Well, I normally work outside and—“

Customer: *interrupts* “I don’t want excuses. JUST BAG MY GROCERIES!”

(I think the customer wants normal bagging now, so I start putting items into bags. The customer gets mad when they have to tell each time I put something in the wrong bag. After many insults, and screaming towards the end, they leave and the cashier grins at me.)

Cashier: “Well, you had to meet [Customer] sooner or later.”

Me: “They always like that?”

Cashier: “This was a good day. Smash the bread next time if you want to see a show. But be careful; [Manager] got pelted with a can of cat food once.”

(I found out that everyone knew [Customer] and had a similar story of yelling and thrown groceries. Cashiers would close lanes and baggers would take restroom breaks to avoid the customer.)

(I work at a popular coffee chain that offers many non-dairy milk options. We always ask customers if they still want whipped cream when ordering a non-dairy milk drink that usually comes with it. I am making the drinks and receive an order for a soy latte that calls for whipped cream on top. I decide to double check with the customer to make sure that’s what they want.)

Me: “Hi! Did you have the soy latte?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Awesome. The recipe calls for whipped cream; did you still want that?”

Customer: “Well, duh! Why wouldn’t I?”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am. I always like to double check when I make drinks with non-dairy milk.” *hands out the drink with whipped cream*

Customer: “There isn’t dairy in this is there?”

Me: “In the whipped cream? Yes. Whipped cream has dairy.”

Customer: “Are you trying to kill me?! I’m deathly allergic! Take it off!”

Me: “Sorry about that. I’ll just remake it for you. If you’re deathly allergic I don’t want to take any chances.”

Customer: “No! I don’t have time for that! Just give it to me! I’ll scrape it off!”

(Guess who received a customer complaint later that day?)

(A customer comes in and begins talking to one of my less experienced colleagues about a pair of shoes she bought. Knowing I’m the one who would have to do any potential refund or exchange, I go over to find out what’s wrong and help.)

Me: “Hi there. What’s the problem?”

Customer: “I was in last night and bought these shoes, but I need the half size up.”

(The customer doesn’t have her receipt, but looking at the shoes I can see they haven’t been worn, and I know from colleagues that a shoe of that style and size was sold the previous night so I offer to exchange them as a goodwill gesture.)

Me: *after checking the stockroom* “I’m afraid I don’t have a pair in the size you’re after, but I can order them in and return this pair to cover the cost.”

Customer: “Okay, but hurry up; I have a taxi waiting outside and the meter’s running.”

(I think, “Why would you come in a taxi when things like this can take a while, especially if you have no receipt?”)

Me: “No problem. Let me take some details at the till and I’ll get this sorted as fast as I can.”

(I try to take the details I need such as name, a contact number to let her know when they’re in, and a postcode so we have her on the system if she ever wants to order to home in the future.)

Me: “Okay, I’ve got your name. Can I have a contact number, please?”

Customer: “I can’t remember it.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll just use the shop’s number, but you’ll have to wait until Thursday to be sure they’re here before coming as it can take two to four working days and there’s a bank holiday this Monday. Can I have a postcode, please, for our system?”

Customer: “I don’t have one. I’ll come in on Wednesday and they’d better be here.”

(I am starting to get irritated as I am going as fast as I can with her giving me nothing, even using my own postcode in lieu of hers to speed things up. All the while, she continues to tell me to hurry because the taxi’s waiting.)

Customer: “Can I order the whole size up, too, in case the half size doesn’t fit?”

Me: “Of course, but since the exchange will only cover the price of the first pair, you will have to pay the extra for the second.”

Customer: “That’s a disgrace! I shouldn’t have to pay more! I’ll just get the first ones and change them if they don’t fit.”

Me: *through gritted teeth, as I’m really starting to lose patience as she’s making this take ten times longer and she’s still complaining about my speed and the waiting taxi* “Okay, those have been ordered, and I’ve returned these to cover the cost, so you just need to pick them up.”

Customer: “Do I have to pay extra when they get here?!”

Me: “No, as I explained, the cost has been covered by the returned pair.”

Customer: “Good. It takes ages for me to walk here.” *leaves*

(By this point my colleague and her customer have come over to the till and have been watching for the past few minutes.)

Colleague: “You okay? I’m amazed you didn’t snap. Didn’t she say she had gotten a taxi here? Why is she complaining about walking?”

Me: *shrugs while taking deep breaths to calm down*

Customer #2: “You did very well. I would have screamed at her.”

(I am working the express lane which is for fifteen items or less. I look up to see a lady with a trolley holding probably about fifty items.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but this is the express lane. It’s only fifteen items or less.”

Customer: “Uh, I shop here all the time, so it’s fine.”

(Apparently, courtesy doesn’t apply when you’re a regular.)

(A customer is in the store with her two early-teenaged grandkids.)

Customer: “I need one of those… those thumb things… You know… thumb something.”

Me: “A thumb drive?”

Customer: “Yeah!”

(I grab one and hold it up.)

Me: “We have these promotional ones here, and the rest are in aisle two.”

Customer: “No, that’s not what I want!”

Me: “Oh, sorry, what are you looking for?”

Customer: “A thing for my phone! I want to plug my phone into my computer!”

Me: “Then you need the cord. You should have one already that came with your phone, unless you would like an extra one.”

Customer: “Oh, right, yeah. I have a cord already, but I need the doohickey so I can plug it into my computer.”

Me: “You don’t need anything extra to plug it into your computer; it will just plug into the USB port.”

Customer: “No, it won’t.”

Customer’s Grandkids: “Granny, yes, it will! We told you the same thing!”

Customer: “No, it won’t! I know what I need!”

Me: “Well, I’m not sure what it is you’re looking for, because your cord will plug directly into the computer.”

Customer: “No, I know it won’t!”

Customer’s Grandkids: “Yes, it will!”

Customer: “Just show me what I need to plug it into the computer!”

(The grandkids are sighing and rolling their eyes at this point, looking embarrassed.)

Me: “I assure you, you don’t need anything extra, just the cord.”

Customer: “No! Nope! I know I do!”

Me: *being very firm* “No, you don’t.”

(Her grandkids are now shaking their heads and laughing.)

Me: “Here, I’ll show you.” *grab a cord and walk over to a computer, turning it around so that she can see, and I plug the cord into the computer* “See? This part here goes into the computer, and the other end goes into your phone. That’s all you need to save things from your phone to your computer.”

Customer: “No, I need something extra! A doohickey.”

Customer’s Grandkids: “But she just showed you! It plugs right in!”

Customer: “Well, I’m old! I don’t know anything about technology! What if I want to save it to a thumb drive after? Then I need a doohickey for my phone.”

Me: “No, then you just plug a thumb drive into the computer and copy the files over.”

Customer: “WHAT?! I don’t know how to do that!”

Customer’s Grandkids: “Granny, it’s fine; we’ll show you how to do that.”

(The customer goes off to find a flash drive and one of the grandkids stays up with me.)

Grandkid: “So, how’s your day going?”

Me: “Good, thanks… And yours?”

Grandkid: *pause* “Interesting.”