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Extreme Foreign Interests

, , , , | Right | October 18, 2013

(I suffered from a speech disorder as a child, and while I speak perfectly now, I have a slight twang in my voice. I’m on the checkout when a smartly-dressed customer approaches the till.)

Me: “Hello! How are you today?”

Customer: “…where are you from?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Where. Are. You. From?”

Me: “Um, I’m local, if that’s what you mean.”

Customer: “No, where were you born?”

Me: “In [Local Hospital].”

Customer: *sighs* “Where are your parents from?”

Me: “They’re from [Local Town] and [Local City].”

Customer: *getting irate* “I just want you to tell me where you’re from! Explain your accent!”

Me: “Oh! My accent! Yes, there’s an explanation for that; see when I was a kid—”

Customer: “I don’t want to hear your life story! Why are you ashamed of your heritage? You are probably bringing shame to your family by denying them! I get that there are racists here, but you don’t need to deny who you are! I won’t judge you!”

Me: “Sir, I don’t know what you want me to say.”

Customer: “Tell me your parents were born in a different country!”

Me: “Um… they were born in [Other Country]?”

Customer: “Yes! See how easy that is? Why couldn’t you have just said that in the first place?!”

(He grabs his bags and marches off. I turn to the next customer.)

Me: “Afternoon!”

Customer #2: “That was a lie, right?”

Me: “Yep. How can I help you today?”


This story is part of our “Where are you from?” roundup!

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It’s A Dog-Gone Fact

, , , | Right | October 15, 2013

(Two techs have food poisoning today, so it is just me, a new girl, and the vet. We are in the middle of surgery when a very well-dressed customer and her blue heeler dog come in.)

Me: “Hi, I’ll be with you in just a minute.”

Customer: “Nobody else is here, so you should help me now!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we are in the middle of surgery and we are short-staffed today. So if you could please take a seat, I will help you when we are finished.”

Customer: “You are being rude! I am a paying customer!”

Me: “Okay then, ma’am. What is the problem today?”

Customer: “My dog is pregnant. I want to know how many puppies there are.”

Me: “Okay, and what is her name?”

Customer: “HIS!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “HIS name is Bandit.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but male dogs can’t get pregnant.”

Customer: “F*** YOU! YOU DONT KNOW S***!” *storms out*

Me: *sigh* “It’s only 9:30.”


This story is part of our Take Your Dog To The Vet roundup!

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Worshiping A Vengeful God

, , , , | Right | September 30, 2013

(At our theater, matinee ends at 6:00 pm, and 3D movies cost $2.50 more than regular ones. It’s about 5:50 pm and I’m selling tickets for a 6:00 pm showing.)

Customer: “Well, I’d like two for The Avengers.”

Me: “All right, the 6:00 pm is in 3D; is that okay?”

Customer: “Yes, that’s why we’re watching the 6:00 pm one!”

Me: “Fantastic. Any student or military IDs for a discount today?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Well, for two tickets that’s $19.”

Customer: “FOR TWO TICKETS? That’s ridiculous! I thought this place was supposed to be cheap; what am I even paying for?”

(I’ve zoned out, and I’ve just started to grab his glasses when his wife cuts in.)

Customer’s Wife: *over her still-ranting husband* “Ignore him. He’s had a bad day. Here’s a twenty.”

(I finish their transaction and someone walks up to them and greets the man.)

Other Customer: “Oh, hey, Pastor!”


This story is part of our 3D Movies roundup!

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Stark Raving Mad

, , | Right | September 30, 2013

(An older customer walks in very quickly and glares at me.)

Me: “Good morning!”

Customer:What does ‘winter is coming’ mean?!”

(The customer is referring to our ‘Game Of Thrones’ themed red wine window.)

Me: “Oh! It’s the tagline, sort of, to a very popular series of books and TV show.”

Customer: “Well, you should be shot in the head with a small derringer. It should read, ‘autumn is here; winter is near.'”

Me: “Well, it’s a pop culture reference and has been very successful for us. I’m not sure what your intention is, coming in here and telling me I should be shot.”

Customer: “WELL, DO YOU ONLY SELL WINE TO TRENDY PEOPLE?! I OWN AN ADVERTISING AGENCY! I’M TRYING TO HELP YOU!” *storms out*


This story is part of our Game Of Thrones roundup!

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The First Is The Worst

, , | Romantic | September 24, 2013

(I’m 15 and my boyfriend is 17. He is my first ever boyfriend. One day I am not feeling too well, and he shows up at my house with flowers. It is very romantic. Two months later, it is coming up to Valentine’s Day.)

Me: “Do you want to do anything for Valentine’s Day? I’ve never had a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day before.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, we can do something, but I’m not getting you flowers. I already got you flowers not that long ago.”

(He isn’t joking. Fast forward to Valentine’s Day, and he has gotten me a teddy and a box of chocolates. I am only 15 and don’t have much money, so I only get him a teddy.)

Boyfriend: “Okay, but I get half the chocolates I got you, because you didn’t get me any. We’re also not going out to dinner because you can’t pay for half, and it’s unfair on me.”

(We go for a walk in the park, and he buys himself a sandwich and offers me half. When we get back to his house, he goes to the bathroom and his mum comes up to me.)

Boyfriend’s Mum: “How was the meal?”

Me: “We didn’t go for a meal; we just went for a walk.”

Boyfriend’s Mum: “But [Boyfriend] said you were going to [Mexican Restaurant].”

Me: “We were, but we decided against it because I couldn’t half the bill with him. I spent my last bit of money on his teddy.”

Boyfriend’s Mum: “But I told him I would pay. I gave him the money before you left.”

Me: “Sorry… I don’t know what to tell you.”

(My boyfriend comes downstairs.)

Boyfriend’s Mum: “What the h*** is going on. You didn’t go out?!”

Boyfriend: “Of course we did; didn’t we?” *winks at me*

Boyfriend’s Mum: “No, [My Name] didn’t have any idea I gave you the money; she says you just walked around the park.”

Boyfriend: “We did go out, though.”

Boyfriend’s Mum: “Give me the money back.”

Boyfriend: “I can’t; I spent it on dinner.”

Boyfriend’s Mum: “Now!”

Boyfriend: “I DON’T HAVE IT!”

Boyfriend’s Mum: “You give me the money back now.”

Boyfriend: “Fine!”

(My boyfriend hands his mum the money back.)

Boyfriend’s Mum: “Where’s the rest of it?”

Boyfriend: “I bought a sandwich. Is that all right?!”

(His mum leaves and we go upstairs.)

Boyfriend: “If you ever go crying to my mum again just because I didn’t take you out, you’re dumped. You got that?”

(Unfortunately, he was first ever boyfriend, so I stayed with him for over a year. Worst year of my life.)