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The Dividing Line

, , , , , | Right | December 14, 2012

(I am a customer in line at a major lingerie store in a mall at midnight on Black Friday. As expected, the line is well over ten times longer than normal due to a free gift bag they offer if you spend $65 or more. Two customers come up to me.)

Customer #1: “Is this where the line starts?”

Me: “Yes.”

(The two customers line up behind me and instantly start to rant.)

Customer #2: “Oh my God! This line is too long!”

Customer #1: “They should have every register open!”

Customer #2: “They do have every register open. They need to have this store on two floors!”

Customer #1: ” Yeah! They should have two floors!”

Customer #2: “I mean, look at all of these people in here! How can they have this many people in here and not see that they need two floors?!”

(Normally, any other day of the year, this store is plenty big enough for its typical haul of customers.)

Customer #1: “If they run out of gift bags by the time it’s my turn, I’m going to scream and call their corporate offices! It’s ridiculous how many people are in here!”

Customer #2: “All of these people are gonna make me late for work!”

Customer #1: “What time do you have to be in again?”

Customer #2: “In a half-hour!”

(Based on where we are in line, how fast the line is moving, and the number of people cutting in line, it could take at least another hour and a half to reach the registers that we can’t even see.)

Customer #1: “They shouldn’t have slow cashiers working, either! The rest of us have things to do!”

Customer #2: “I know what you mean! I can’t stand when they hire slow people!”

Customer #1: “When I get up there, I’m gonna give them a piece of my mind! They need to have two floors!”

(I want nothing more than to tell these two women that it is Black Friday; it is going to be busy no matter what store you go to. However, I decide that with their tensions high, it would be in my best interest not to provoke these ladies by telling them off.)

Customer #2: “Ugh! I can’t stand this anymore! I’m going to be late! This line hasn’t moved! I have to leave!”

Customer #1: “I wish you weren’t out of sick days! I’m not staying here alone with all of these people! I have things to do!”

(Thankfully, they left at that point. Hallelujah!)


This story is part of our Black Friday roundup!

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Inaction Figures

, , , , , , | Right | December 12, 2012

(It is Black Friday. I’m shopping in the toy department of a store, taking a picture of an action figure that I plan on buying for a friend’s nephew. As I want to make sure the boy doesn’t have it already, I am sending the picture to my friend to check. I do not, nor have I ever worked there.)

Woman #1: *talking loudly* “It’s so busy here today! Sure would be nice if I could figure out where the Avengers figures are!”

Woman #2: “Tell me about it; I can’t find anything!”

(I write them off as overly loud and ignore them while I wait for my friend to text me back.)

Woman #1: “You know, where I work we’re not allowed to even look at our cellphones, let alone talk on one.”

Woman #2: “You’d get fired at my job for using my phone.”

Woman #1: “It’s amazing the things people think they can do on the job these days. It’s ridiculous!”

Woman #2: “I know! They think they can pretend like they’re home and get paid for it.”

(They carried on like this while I waited. Finally, I got a reply text from my friend, grabbed the toy, and walked off. About a minute later, I looked down and realized I was wearing a red fleece the same shade as the staff uniforms, and suddenly everything clicked. They were passive-aggressively trying to get my attention for the better part of five minutes. By the way, if they had turned around, they would have found what they were looking for!)


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This Restaurant’s Not The Cream Of The Crop

, , , , , | Working | December 9, 2012

(I am ordering a soup with cream, but I ask for it to be only water, instead.)

Me: “Can you skip the cream and use just plain water?”

Waitress: “Are you allergic to milk?”

Me: “No, I’m vegan.”

Waitress: “Okay.”

(I get my soup and see that it’s slightly creamy.)

Me: “Um, I asked for no cream.”

Waitress: “Yeah, the chef forgot and started putting in cream. Since you’re not allergic, I don’t think that little bit would matter anyway.”

Me: “Err, could you please remake this?”

Waitress: *angrily* “Well, fine! What the h*** is your problem?! It’s only a little bit of cream and you’re not allergic. Why are you so d*** picky?”


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Best To Couch Your Criticism

, , , | Working | December 5, 2012

(I’m moving into a new apartment building, and one of my neighbors is helping me move a heavy couch up the stairs. While we are moving the couch, the building maintenance man gets in our way and will not move. Note: I am a male in pretty okay shape, and my neighbor is female and also in good shape.)

Maintenance Guy: *to my female neighbor* “Hey, fata**! I need a word with you.”

Me: “Could you move, please, [Maintenance Guy]? Just so we can get up to the landing and put the couch down.”

Maintenance Guy: “Just hold onto it. Worthless fata**es like you could stand to burn the extra calories that holding something heavy takes.”

Me: “Hey, buddy back off, man. She’s not fat.”

Neighbor: *to me* “Oh, don’t bother… He’s not worth listening to… about anything.”

Maintenance Guy: *to my neighbor* “SHUT UP! I SAID I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU!”

Neighbor: “Fine, talk then.”

Maintenance Guy: “You turned in a request to have a light fixture fixed.”

Neighbor: “Yes, I did. My roommate and I need the light in that room.”

Maintenance Guy: “Well, I can’t fix it until you get rid of your cat.”

Neighbor: *frowning* “Excuse me?”

Maintenance Guy: “I’m mildly allergic to cats. So you have to get rid of that stupid beast.”

Neighbor: “I’ll just fix if myself if you can’t take allergy meds like a normal person.”

Maintenance Guy: “Women can’t do electrician stuff!”

Me: “That’s not true. My girlfriend’s an electrician.”

Maintenance Guy: “No, she isn’t! Women can’t be real electricians! It’s not possible.”

(My neighbor sets the couch legs down on a step so it remains even, and turns it around to face him.)

Neighbor: “How’s about you take your worthless ideas and get out of here, hmm?”

Maintenance Guy: “What’re you gonna do about it, b****?” *takes a swing at her*

(Long story short, she kicked his a** without knocking me and the couch down the stairs. The maintenance man ended up getting fired for feeling up another female tenant and last I heard he’d been arrested.)

For You, We’re Always Closed, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | December 4, 2012

(Our restaurant is, and always has been, closed on only two days a year: Thanksgiving and Christmas.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Restaurant]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I’d like to make reservations for Thanksgiving.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we’re closed on Thanksgiving. Would you like a reservation for another day?”

Caller: “But your website says you’re open.”

Me: “Occasionally our website has tricky wording; perhaps it was another of our locations that’s decided to remain open for the holiday.”

Caller: “No, it says you’re open.”

Me: “I assure you, ma’am, we are closed on Thanksgiving.”

Caller: “It says you’re open. I’d like to make a reservation for Thanksgiving.”

Me: “Ma’am, we are only closed for Thanksgiving and Christmas, as it’s been for the past six years. I promise you, we are not open on Thanksgiving.”

Caller: “BUT IT SAYS YOU’RE OPEN. YOU’RE OPEN! I WANT A RESERVATION!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not sure what to tell you. We are closed on Thanksgiving. No one will be here to cook for you.”

Caller: “I JUST WANT A FREAKING RESERVATION!” *click*

Me: *to my manager* “Well… that was fun.”


This story is part of the Thanksgiving 2021 roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

25 Tastefully Turkey-tastic Tales About Thanksgiving!

 

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