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Putting The Squeeze On Stupid

, , , , , | Working | December 30, 2012

(I am talking to some of my coworkers about how I want to get a pet snake. I have always loved snakes and have been considering getting one for a while.)

Me: “I think I want to get a ball python, because they don’t get very big, but I would love a boa!”

Coworker: “Why the h*** do you want a snake?”

Me: “Uh, because I like them.”

Coworker: “Wouldn’t you rather have a ferret or a hamster?”

Me: “You’re acting like I have no choice, like it’s a snake or nothing.”

Coworker: “Well, I hope that when you get that snake, it bites you and injects you with poison!”

(Most of my coworkers go silent at that point. They all know I have a bit of a temper. But, instead, I start to laugh.)

Me: “Seriously? Do you have any idea what you are talking about? First of all, it’s not poison; it is venom. Secondly, pythons and boas don’t have venom. They are constrictors, hence the name ‘Boa Constrictor.’ If you are going to be a jerk, at least sound intelligent when you do it!”

(My coworker wouldn’t talk to me for almost a week after that. Now, six months and a new job later, I’ve got my first baby ball python!)


This story is part of our Snakes roundup!

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They Crossed A Line

, , , , , | Right | December 27, 2012

(It is Black Friday. I am waiting with my friend in a queue that wraps all the way around the store. After 45 minutes, we are almost to the front. A nearby rack catches my eye, and since I’m not purchasing anything, I step out of line. My friend and the customer in front of her watch me hold a sweater up.)

Me: *to my friend* “Hey, do you think this sweater’s cute? It’s the last one!”

Friend: “Definitely. I’ll hold your purse while you try it on!”

(I step away to remove my purse. Suddenly, the customer who’s been watching me dashes over, rips the sweater from my hands, and tries to duck right back into line!)

Customer: “Haha, sorry! Guess you weren’t fast enough!”

Friend: “Are you kidding me? I’m not going to fight you for that sweater, but there’s no way you’re cutting back in front of me.”

Customer: “Whatever. I didn’t even leave the line.”

(A nearby employee, who has seen the entire exchange, speaks up before I can say another word.)

Employee: *to the customer* “Ma’am, I just saw you step out of line. You need to go to the back of the queue.”

Customer: “No way! I’ve been waiting forever! It’ll take me another hour to check out!”

Employee: “If it were up to me, I wouldn’t let you buy anything from us at all!”

(The customer stomps all the way to the back of the store.)

Friend and Me: *to the customer* “Haha, sorry! Guess you just weren’t quick enough!”


This story is part of our Black Friday roundup!

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Read the Black Friday roundup!

Just Remember That The Last Laugh Is On You

, , , , , | Working | December 21, 2012

(I work in the kitchen at a small restaurant, and we have a stereo system where you can plug in your iPod to play music. I discover that [Coworker #1] also loves the Monty Python musical “Spamalot,” so I put on the cast recording to listen to while we cook. [Coworker #2] is famous for not having much of a sense of humor and being a bit slow on the draw. This happens while listening to “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life”.)

Coworker #2: “What does he mean when he says, ‘The last laugh is on you.’?”

Me: “He’s saying that you should try to make people happy while you’re alive, but to remember that at the end, you die.”

Coworker #2: *horrified* “That’s awful! Why is the music so happy for that?”

Coworker #1: “It’s a comedy; they’re just poking fun.”

Coworker #2: “What a terrible thing to say! Why would people ever watch this?”

([Coworker #1] and I just kind of blink at her, but she doesn’t say anything else. The next day, my manager pulls me aside.)

Manager: *to me* “[Coworker #2] has made a complaint about you and [Coworker #1]. She said that you might be a danger to customers because you think death is funny. Can you explain this?”

(Instead of explaining, I simply play the Monty Python song for my manager. After listening…)

Manager: *smiles* “Can I have a copy of the album? I love Monty Python!”

(We listened to it about once a month after that, ignoring [Coworker #2] as she glowered at all of us singing along.)


This story is part of the singing silliness roundup!

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Read the singing silliness roundup!

Much A-Gluten About Nothing

, , , , , , | Working | December 18, 2012

(I have celiac disease, which is a severe intolerance to wheat gluten, but I’m rather timid about it. However, my university’s food court has recently undergone massive training for food handling with regard to cross-contamination, so I decide to take advantage.)

Me: “Hi, can I get a tuna sandwich on gluten-free bread?”

Employee: *annoyed* “Are you really allergic?”

Me: “Yes, I’m extremely sensitive. Thank you for checking.”

Employee: *sighs* “Okay… well, it’s going to take a while.”

(The employee makes a big show out of gathering the ingredients for my sandwich, which are in special containers so as to prevent contamination with normal bread. She is sighing and rolling her eyes all the while. When another customer walks up, she yells to her coworker.)

Coworker: “What’s the big deal?”

Employee: *loudly* “I’ve gotta make this lady a gluten-free sandwich, and it’s going to take forever!”

Coworker: “Ugh, that’s so annoying!”

Employee: “And it’s such a waste of food.”

Another Customer: “What’s the problem?”

Coworker:She has to make a gluten-free sandwich, which is really annoying and takes forever because we have to go in the back and get special ingredients and make sure nothing touches anything. Then, the ingredients go bad because nobody eats them. I don’t understand why people have to be such picky eaters, you know?”

Employee: *to me, sarcastically* “Here’s your sandwich. Have a great day.”

Me: “Thanks. And I’m so terribly sorry for making you have to do your job correctly!”

(I later called the manager to complain, who was very apologetic. He called me back to let me know he fired both employees after the incident. It turns out it wasn’t the first complaint that they’d gotten regarding the very same issue. The worst part of the story? I still got incredibly sick from the sandwich.)


This story is part of our Celiac Awareness Day roundup!

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Daddy Meets Miss Demeanor

, , , , , | Right | December 14, 2012

(I am temporarily relieving a coworker in the toddler room of our daycare so she can go to the restroom. A father arrives to pick up his child, who is familiar with me as the toddler room is next to the one I work in.)

Father: *on cellphone, very loudly* “No, I know, the delivery should have come in by now.”

Me: “Sir, here’s [Child]’s report and his coat.”

(He waves at me to be quiet. I keep trying to get his attention as I need his signature on some documents, but he waves me off even more with a huge frown. I give up and start putting the child’s coat on as the father taps his foot loudly.)

Child: “DADDY! Miss is talking!”

(The father finally gets off the phone long enough to sign the papers I need him to, although he does not hang up the call and speak to me. As they are leaving, the child turns round.)

Child: “Bye, miss!” *to his father* “Dada mean!”