(In France, there are four major ISPs, and they are having an ongoing coverage war for optic fiber Internet. Every building can decide which ISP they’re going to be connected with, and the subsequent connection needs heavy work, literally digging trenches in the sidewalk to install fiber in the ground. So, when you land in a building with fiber installed, and you’re interested in having a fiber connection, you go with the ISP already in place. I have just moved in and gotten my box installed using an extremely interesting discount price when I receive a call from a telemarketer.)

Telemarketer: “Hi, I’m [Telemarketer] from [ISP #1]. May I speak to the person in charge?”

(I could say I’m not interested and hang up, but I have some time on my hands. I figure it’d be funny to see this person try to upsell me. I was right.)

Me: “That would be me.”

Telemarketer: “Okay, great! May I ask what ISP you are with and what your Internet plan is?”

Me: “I’m with [ISP #2], and I have the Fiber at 100Mbps down and 20Mbps up for 10€ a month.”

Telemarketer: *pause* “Oh… Okay! Do you know we at [ISP #1] have right now a very interesting discount for a plan at 10€ for the first year?”

Me: “Um, okay, but you guys don’t have fiber connected to my building, so that’s not really a great deal for me…”

Telemarketer: “Wait, we can’t know that before I check!”

Me: “Well, I just subscribed, so I’m pretty sure that it…”

Telemarketer: “One moment, please! Your address is [address], correct?”

Me: *sigh* “Correct.”

Telemarketer: “Okay, then, let me put you on hold for just a sec!”

Me: “…”

Telemarketer: *one minute later* “Okay, it appears that your building is indeed not connected yet to our fiber network. But may I ask why you need the fiber? Our DSL connection is very fast and reliable, and for browsing Facebook and YouTube, even in HD, it’s plenty!”

Me: “Well, first of all, depending on the distance to the hub and the traffic, DSL for a 4K video may not be ‘plenty,’ and second of all, for my work, I often need to download and upload up to a couple of terabytes of files a month, so fiber was actually a quite important criteria in choosing my place. And excuse me, but what did you mean by ‘10€ a month for the first year’?”

Telemarketer: “It’s an exceptional discount offer; after one year the price goes back to normal.”

Me: “Which is?”

Telemarketer: “24.99€ a month. But your current offer is the same, isn’t it?”

Me: “Actually, no, if you recall there were ads on TV for it a month ago. It was a very limited offer, but the discount lasts a lifetime.”

Telemarketer: “Oh, I see… Well, you know, I was checking [ISP #1]’s network, and it says that within 18 months we will have your building connected to our fiber network, and then I can offer you a free upgrade to the fiber plan! So, what do you say?”

Me: “So, let me get this straight. Your DSL plan is what, 20Mbps down and 2Mbps up?”

Telemarketer: “Yes…”

Me: “So, you offer me a plan that is literally five to ten times slower than my current plan—“

Telemarketer: *trying to cut me off* “Yes, but—“

Me: “With the vague promise that it’s gonna be upgraded in the not-so-distant future—“

Telemarketer: “Well, yes, and—“

Me: “But, in one year’s time, this plan, which will hinder my work, will have the advantage of becoming almost three times as expensive as the one I’m on now, and will leave me paying more for a worse plan, waiting for an upgrade that may or may not come?”

Telemarketer: “Okay, but what TV channels do you have with your plan?”

Me: “I don’t own a TV, and I’m staying with [ISP #2]. Goodbye now!”

(You still have to admire her perseverance and dedication!)

When I first started dating my boyfriend, he had a female friend that obviously had feelings for him. My boyfriend is on the spectrum, and I can honestly say that he never noticed. But I did.

I hadn’t seen the girl in a while when my boyfriend came home looking very confused — not angry or upset, but perplexed.

He told me that the girl had told him that I had cheated on him the night before, and she had seen me at the local club dancing with lots of men and women before going home with one.

When my boyfriend asked his friend to clarify, she said, “I knew it was her because of her horrible, bright green hair! She looks like a goblin, ugh!”

My boyfriend’s confusion stemmed from the fact I had dyed my hair from the green to cotton candy pink the month before.

Because he has Asperger’s, he was more concerned that the girl couldn’t tell the difference between green and pink than her lies. He informed her of all of this in his usual impassive way.

She ran away crying.

Thus the friendship ended, running its course.

(I work in the call center for a local non-profit. We’re not telemarketers, but people usually assume we are when they hear where we’re calling from. On this call, a young boy — maybe five years old — picks up.)

Boy: “Um… Hello?”

Me: “Oh, hi! Is your mom there?”

Boy: “Um…”

(In the background, I can hear his mother. She’s muffled, but distinct enough that I can hear her every word.)

Mom: “Ask them who it is.”

Boy: “Um… who is it?”

Me: “It’s [My Name] with [Organization]!”

(The child relays this.)

Mom: “Crap. Tell her we’re not here.”

Boy: “Um, okay. She’s… uh… not here right now.”

Me: “Okay, no problem! When will she be available?”

(He puts his hand over the phone and undergoes lengthy consultation with his mother.)

Boy: “I, um, uh… Later.”

Me: “How about later this week?”

Boy: “Uh…”

Mom: “Yeah, sure, whatever.”

Boy: *to me* “That’ll be okay, I guess.”

Me: “Okay! Tell your mom thanks for me, and I’ll talk to her later. Oh, and one more thing?”

Boy: “Yeah?”

Me: *very solemnly – “after-school special” style* “Tell her that lying is very bad, and honesty is always the best policy.”

Boy: *sounding relieved and happy* “Okay! I’ll tell her! Thanks!”

(I am 22 years old and a nanny of a two-year-old girl. We are leaving the library and as we are walking outside, we are playing which gets the attention of an elderly man, who at first seems friendly. Note: she is pretty shy of others and we look nothing alike.)

Elderly Man: “Hi there!”

Me: “Hello.”

Elderly Man: *smiles at us and looks down at the little girl* “She sure is a cutie!”

(He bends down a little bit and asks her how old she is. She doesn’t respond and hides behind me.)

Me: “She’s two.”

(The second I say this he jerks back up, makes a face, and starts yelling:)

Elderly Man: “TWO?! WHAT?! ARE YOU EVEN OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL YET?!”

(I quickly pick her up and continue to walk away as he shouts at us, yelling back:) 

Me: “YES! And I’m out of college, too!”

(It’s the middle of lunch hour and I’m working the food court where there are only two cashiers. The lines are long and it’s incredibly busy. [Customer #1] is next in line and [Customer #2] is behind her.)

Me: “Hi. How can I help you today?”

Customer #1: “I want a stunner with coffee for the drink.”

Me: “Which stunner would you like? We have quite a few.”

Customer #1: “I just want a $4.95 stunner with coffee.”

Me: “We have three $4.95 stunners: a cheeseburger, chicken wrap, and five nuggets.”

Customer #1: “I’ll have an—“ *looks at the menu board and starts humming and thinking*

(She keeps doing this for another five minutes. As I’m waiting, I look around, and [Customer #2] tries to order but he can’t until I’ve put this lady’s order through.)

Customer #1: “I’ll have a chicken wrap stunner with coffee for the drink.”

Me: “Okay, that’s $5.45.”

Customer #1: “Why?”

Me: “Coffee adds 50c to the price.”

Customer #1: “I only have $5!”

Me: “I’m sorry. Do you still want to order?”

Customer #1: “I’ll just have a chicken wrap and small coffee.”

Me: “That’s $5.65.”

Customer #1: “I only have $5!”

Me: “I am sorry. Would you still like to order?”

([Customer #1] is silent for about another minute.)

Customer #1: “I’ll just have a small coffee, then.”

Me: “That’s $3.35.”

(I put the order through and give her the change. As I give her the coffee, the next customer steps up. In total, this transaction has taken about seven to ten minutes.)

Customer #2: “Hi. I’m going to stand here for ten minutes and waste everyone’s time because I can’t be bothered deciding what I want before I order and can’t be bothered bringing the right money, either.”

([Customer #1] snatched her coffee and stormed off furiously.)