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Customer, Know Thyself

, , , , , , | Right | August 27, 2012

(I am a customer standing in line at the bank. Two customers behind me start complaining about the length of the line.)

Customer #1: “Look at this! It’s ridiculous!”

Customer #2: “They are moving so slow! The workers should get fired for being so lazy!”

(This goes on for a couple of minutes. When I draw even with the complaining customers in the switchbacked line, I decide I can’t take it anymore and speak up.)

Me: “Look at the windows, ladies! Every one of them has customers who didn’t take the time to fill out their slips. Now the tellers have to do it for them, and that takes twice as long! They’re the ones holding up all of us, not the nice people trying to help them!”

(I’m talking loud enough for everyone at the windows to hear, hoping maybe next time they’ll wise up.)

Customers #1 and #2: *shocked*

Me: “Let me guess. Wanna borrow my pen?”

(The complaining customers sheepishly agree and fill out their slips. Three or four others in line also grab slips and start scribbling, while the customers at the windows look suitably embarrassed. When I finally get to a teller window, she leans towards me and confides in me.)

Teller: *whispering* “Thank you, from everyone here! I wish I could save the security tape of that!”


This story is part of our Bank Customer roundup!

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Defiance Is The Best Teacher

, , , , | Right | August 25, 2012

(My friend, a former coworker, comes in on a Saturday to say hello. She is standing by the counter chatting with me when a regular customer comes in. I immediately go to serve her.)

Customer: “I’ll have a latte.” *looks at my friend* “You’re wearing that to work?!”

(My friend is wearing ripped jeans, a local band shirt, and boots you could kick through a wall with, as well as her nose stud and four rings in each ear.)

Friend: “I don’t work here anymore.”

Customer: “Well, no wonder, if you started showing up like a hooligan! Young people have no sense of professionalism these days! If I met you in the street, I’d think you were going to mug me!”

Friend: “Actually, I quit because I started a new job.”

Customer: “Doing what, exactly? Scaring children?”

Friend: “Sort of. I’m a kindergarten teacher.”

Customer: *gasps, grabs her latte, and runs out the door*


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Are We Human, Or Are We Answers

, , , | Right | August 5, 2012

(I’m an online chat agent for a phone company. I help customers choose and order cell phones and plans through online chat.)

Customer: “Do you carry [Mobile Broadband Plan]?”

Me: “Yes, we do! Would you like me to help you choose the right plan for you?”

Customer: “No. You’re automatic s***! I wanted to talk to an actual employee! No way I’m ever using [Company] again.”

Me: “I assure you I am, in fact, human. Now, do you want to continue?”

Customer: “I don’t believe you. Who’s our finance minister?”

(I tell her the name of Germany’s finance minister.)

Customer: “Oh, sorry, then. I just assumed because you were typing so neatly! Yeah, let’s keep going.”

(I help her figure out the perfect Internet plan for her needs. I make sure to do some small talk and deliberately add a typo here or there.)

Customer: “Thanks, that was really helpful! I’ll go buy it at the store, then.”

(I’m bummed because I have spent a lot of time helping her and I was looking forward to my commission. I won’t get this commission if she orders through the store.)

Me: “You’re welcome, but I could give you 25€ off if you order with me. It’s a matter of five minutes, tops.”

Customer: “No, thanks. I want to buy from an actual person, not a computer. Bye!” *disconnects*


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Viva La Revelation

, , , | Right | August 1, 2012

(It’s the 4th of July, and I’m 9.5 hours into my 10-hour shift. For the umpteenth time today, a customer asks why I’m working on the 4th of July.)

Me: “Welcome to [Credit Card] customer service. My name is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Why the h*** are you at work on Independence Day?! Are you even American?”

Me: “Yes, sir, I was born and raised in Florida. How can I help you?”

Customer: “If you’re really an American, you wouldn’t be working today. You’d be celebrating our nation’s freedom!”

Me: “You know, I’d love to be with the rest of my family enjoying the festivities and fireworks, not to mention the food, but I’m here working to support my family. And, I wouldn’t be working if YOU weren’t calling.”

Customer: “Oh… I never thought of it that way.”

Me: “No one ever does. How can I help you?”


This story is part of our July 4th roundup!

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Get Yell Soon

, , , | Right | July 17, 2012

(While standing near a store’s greeting card selection, I overhear this conversation between an older customer and an employee.)

Customer: “Excuse me, I’m looking for a Father’s Day card to give to my son. However, you only have two here and they’re stupid.”

Employee: “I’m sorry, but those are the only ones of that type of card that we have.”

Customer: “But they’re stupid!”

Employee: “I’m sorry, sir.”

Customer: “You know what? You need to call your greeting card people and make them send you better cards! You know, we’re all growing older here and we have sons that have children. I want to give my son a Father’s Day card! What is wrong with you people?”

Employee: “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t have any control over what the greeting card company sends us. We just display the cards they provide us with.”

Customer: “Well, I’ll just have to go to [Other Store] then! Maybe they’ll have what I need!”

Employee: “Feel free to do that, sir. However, I can tell you that they are supplied by the same company. They will have the same selection.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! I guess we’re just not supposed to get older, is that it?! We’re not allowed to age! You need to call your supplier and demand you get better stock!”

Employee: “I’m sorry, sir, we have no control over—”

Customer: “CALL THEM! What an outrage! You are the rudest employee I’ve ever had to deal with! We’re just getting older! We should be allowed to get older! Call your company RIGHT NOW!”

Employee: “Sir, if you just leave your name, I can tell my manager you have a complaint—”

Customer: “NO! JUST CALL YOUR D*** COMPANY!” *angrily storms out*