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And They Wonder Why Customer Service Is Slow

, , | Right | March 7, 2008

Customer: “WHERE ARE MY BOOKS?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “I had a big pile of books and I put them on that bench and now they’re gone!”

Me: “I’m so sorry about that, ma’am. See, a lot of customers just leave books around the store, so we regularly walk around and put away books that are left out.”

Customer: “WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!”

Me: “To keep the store in some kind of logical order. What books were they? I’ll help you find them again.”

Customer: “I don’t remember! You tell me what books they were!”

Me: “I have no idea what books you had, ma’am, but I can walk around the store with you and see if we can jog your memory.”

Customer: “I have foot problems! I’m very old! I can’t walk around the store all over again! Find my books!”

(A manager intervened, and between him and three other employees, we actually found all seven of the books this lady wanted. She didn’t say thank you, proceeded to walk around the store without any problem, left the books on the same bench again, and then left the store without buying anything.)

Keyless Start, Please Meet Clueless (Old) Fart

, , , , | Right | March 6, 2008

(A customer comes out and hands me his valet ticket for his car. I go back to the key box and notice that I had written that he hadn’t given me his keys. He had one of those key-less start cars that you don’t need to put in a key to drive, but the key still has to be in the car to start it.)

Me: “Excuse me, sir, you did not give me the keys to your car.”

Customer: “Oh, yeah. You see this is a key-less start car here, son. You don’t need a key to start it.”

Me: “Yes, sir, I am aware that it is a key-less start, but I still need the key to be in the car to start it.”

Customer: “I don’t think you understand me here, kid. It is KEY-LESS. You don’t need my key. Now please just go get my car.”

Me: “Sir, I know what you are saying, but I have parked many other cars like this..”

Customer: “Listen to me, boy! I am an adult! I have had that car for a while, and I think I know a little more about how it works than you, don’t you think?! Now go get my car or I will tell the manager!”

(I try to tell him once again that I need the key, but he just screams and goes to get the manager. I tell the manager what the problem is.)

Manager: “Sir, he is correct. You need the key to start the car.”

Customer: “OH, MY GOD! Are you all idiots here?!”

(I take him and the manager to his car. I ask him for the key, which he gives me.)

Me: “Sir, please show me how to start the car without the key inside.”

Customer: “Okay, fine, then!”

(He tries to press the engine start button, which doesn’t start.)

Customer: “…”

Me: “Yes, sir?”

Customer: “Well, are you going to give me the keys so I can start my car?! Jesus, everyone knows you can’t start this type of car without a key! You should be fired!”

(That was the night I quit my job.)

John Hancock Goes Shopping

, , , , , | Right | March 5, 2008

(I have been ringing up a customer’s purchases on the register and am just about to put through his credit card for payment.)

Me: “Sir, just sign here please.”

Customer: “No, I don’t sign.”

Me: “You have to sign so that your credit card is verified; it shows you paid for it and not someone else.”

Customer: “No, I don’t want to sign. Forget about it all, goodbye!”

(The customer leaves his purchases on the counter which he’s just paid for; the electronic system isn’t actually activated by a signature. It goes through automatically; the signature is just a formality.)

Me: “Wait, where are you going? You just paid for this stuff! Are you going to leave it here? Hey!”

(The customer exits the store, and my manager motions for me to follow, with a big mean smile on his face. I sigh and run after the customer.)

Me: “Excuse me! Excuse me, you can’t just leave that stuff there. You need to come back and claim it or we’ll refund it for you.”

Customer: “Why are you following me? What’s wrong with you? Leave me alone. I told you I didn’t want to sign anything!”

Me: “I’m not going to chase you all over the city, but you should know you’ve got things in there you just paid for. You’re down $120 if you leave them there.”

Customer: “But I didn’t sign.”

Me: “It doesn’t matter if you signed anything; your purchase still went through. Now are you going to come back and get your money or your items, or are you happy with donating $120 to our store?”

Customer: “You’re crazy! I didn’t sign anything so I didn’t pay. You’re just trying to get me back there so I’ll buy more stuff! Leave me alone!”

(I decide to give it up since it’s clear this person isn’t going to listen to me; he’s convinced I’m trying to rip him off while, in fact, I’m doing the opposite…)

Me: “Suit yourself, then. Thanks for the $120.”

(Sure enough, three days later, the customer returned, angry about the store stealing money from him when he didn’t make a purchase. I rolled my eyes and left him for someone else to deal with. He was still yelling that he hadn’t signed anything.)

A Hold Day In Hell

, | Right | March 2, 2008

(An extremely difficult older customer was waiting on hold to speak to me while I was on the line with another customer. He impatiently hung up several times and called back as though terrorizing the receptionists would get him on the phone with me any faster.)

Me: “Sorry to keep you holding, how can I help you?”

Older Male Customer: “I demand that you remove that hold music immediately because I refuse to listen to it! I also don’t appreciate waiting! I’m very busy and don’t have the time to waste to talk to you!”

Me: “I apologize for the inconvenience, but I was on the line with another customer.”

Older Male Customer: “Now I’m going to waste your time by staying on the line so you can’t take any other calls!”

Me: “Okay…”

Older Male Customer: “…”

Me: “…”

(The silence continues for several more pointless seconds.)

Older Male Customer: “Let me speak to the owner!”

Me: “Alright, he’s on the other line so it’ll just be a moment.”

Older Male Customer: “NO, I don’t want to be put on hold! I want to speak to him NOW! Just write on a piece of paper that LEONARD ***** is on the phone and go in his office and wave it in front of his face.”

(I put him on hold and he immediately hangs up and calls back screaming about having to wait. I try to transfer the call to the owner but he hangs up as soon as he’s put on hold and the cycle repeats itself.)

Me: “Sir, I -have- to put you on hold in order to transfer the call.”

Older Male Customer: “No, just transfer the call without putting me on hold!”

Me: “I’m sorry but that’s physically impossible…”

Older Male Customer: “I don’t care! Do it anyway!”

Me: *sigh*

The Straw Man

, , , | Right | February 26, 2008

(It’s lunchtime at a busy shopping center fast food restaurant. Holding a large box of straws, I walk out toward the customers’ side of the registers to refill all the straw holders.)

Me: “Excuse me, sir…”

(I walk up beside the customer, still giving him some space despite the fact that it is busy and crowded.)

Angry Customer: “To h*** with that crap. Why do you get to go first? I’ve been waiting here for TEN MINUTES!”

Me: “I’m just…”

Angry Customer: “You’re just impatient; that’s your problem. Wait in line like the rest of us.”

(A lot of other customers are staring at him. He has clearly not even realized I am in uniform.)

Me: “Sorry, sir. I work here and I need to refill these straws. A lady complained before because all the straw holders had run out.”

Angry Customer: “Well, why are you doing that NOW? Couldn’t you have picked a better time to do it?! I lined up here and all I want is a lousy meal and you’re in my way…” *continues on and on*

Me: “Look, it’s our policy to not hand out straws because of hygiene reasons, so I must refill the straws so the customers can take them themselves so they can, you know, drink?”

Angry Customer: *loudly* “You’re very rude. I want to talk to your manager immediately!”

Me: *sarcastically, as he has not noticed “MANAGER” on my name badge* “Hi, I am the manager on duty. My name is [My Name]. What seems to be the problem?”

(Other customers nearby giggle.)

Angry Customer: “Well, that’s just f****** great. What a piece of s*** place anyway. F***!”

(He stormed off after wasting about fifteen minutes of his life over some straws.)


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