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Lost A Sense Of Irony

, , , , | Right | October 22, 2010

Customer: “Hi, can I check your lost and found? I think I left my phone here the other night.”

Me: “Sure.” *gets out box* “Here you go.”

Customer: *rummages through the box* “Whoa!”

(She finds a very expensive MP3 player and begins to pocket it.)

Me: “Ma’am, you said you left your phone here.”

Customer: “Yeah, so? I still want this.”

Me: “But it’s not yours. Someone else lost it and will probably be looking for it.”

Customer: “Well, if they were stupid enough to lose something so expensive they don’t deserve to have it! Oh, here’s my phone!”

(She walks away with her brand new iPhone.)


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Cross Examining Churches

, , , , , | Right | October 18, 2010

(I don’t work in tourism though I must seem like a friendly person since I do get a lot of people stopping me to ask questions of where things are.)

Tourist: “Are you familiar with the area? Do you live around here?”

Me: “Yes, I do. What can I help you with?”

Tourist: “I’m looking for a cathedral in this area somewhere.”

Me: “Okay, which one in particular? There’s about four around here.”

Tourist: “I’m looking for a Catholic cathedral.”

Me: “Okay, let me think… The Anglican church is that way; there’s one near but I don’t know what it is, one over up the street a ways–”

Tourist: “I don’t want no Anglican church! Bloody Anglican whores! I want Catholic!”

Me: “I think it’s that one right over there.” *I point at the church*

Tourist: “Yes, that’s a cathedral. It had better not be Anglican or I’ll hunt you down!”

Turn The Tables

, , , , , | Right | October 14, 2010

(We have a coupon for a free entrée. A new waitress comes up and asks me a question.)

Coworker: “How do I handle two coupons?”

Me: “What?”

Coworker: “My table of three by the window. They got the entrées and waters. They want to use two coupons.”

Me: “They can’t use two coupons. It says ‘one per group’. Tell her to save it for next week.”

Coworker: “She says they are two groups. So they want to use two coupons.”

Me: “They can’t use two coupons because it’s only one check.”

(She leaves, but comes back a few minutes later.)

Coworker: “She says she wants separate checks.”

Me: “Tell her she can’t have separate checks just because she wants to use two coupons.”

(She leaves, but comes back a few minutes later.)

Coworker: “They want to talk to a manager.”

(A third coworker and I argue over what to do, as the manager isn’t here tonight. Reluctantly, I go out to the table, posing as the manager. I tell them the same thing that the waitress told them.)

Me: “Ma’am, our policy is that coupons can only be used one per group. You are all obviously one group, as you are sitting at the same table.”

(Irately, the woman grabs the table; which happens to be two separate tables placed together, and moves them about six inches apart.)

Customer: “There. Now we are two separate tables.”

Me: *trying to remain courteous* “I’ll see what I can do.”

(I go back, separate the checks, apply the discounts, and take both checks to the table.)

Me: “I can take that when you are ready.”

(She fishes in her purse, and hands me her credit card.)

Customer: “Use my card to pay for both!”


This story is part of the Confused-By-Coupons roundup!

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Don’t Ask Her What Size She’d Like

, , , , | Right | October 1, 2010

(I am ringing up a customer. She has bought one large jug of ice-cream, a bag of chips, and dip.)

Me: “Did you find everything okay?”

Customer: “Just fine… Just fine.”

(I notice she’s looking me over up and down, but I try to ignore it.)

Customer: “How are you so skinny?”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: “How are you skinnier than me? It’s so unhealthy!”

Me: “Uh, well, I’m normally like this. I exercise, and I try to stay fit.”

Customer: “Oh, so you’re saying I’m not?! I can’t believe this. Just because I’m buying ice-cream and chips, doesn’t mean I’m unhealthy!”

Me: “I know it doesn’t, ma’am. I eat ice-cream, too.”

Customer: “Wait, you do?”

Me: “All the time, ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh… no wonder why you’re more bigger than me. You should take care of yourself more.”

Discount Discounted

, , , , , | Right | September 29, 2010

Me: “And do you have a free rewards card with us, ma’am?”

Customer: “A what? I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t know.”

Me: “If you think you have one, I can look it up by your phone number?

Customer: “My what?”

Me: *louder* “Your phone number, ma’am.”

Customer: “I don’t have one of those! I don’t think I have one! I don’t have a phone number! I don’t have one!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, that’s fine. Your total today is $26.74, and just to let you know, you could have saved $5.90 if you had the rewards card.”

Customer: “A discount? My phone number is [number]!”


This story is part of our customer conspiracy theorists roundup!

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