(I work in the floral department at a grocery store. We have a lady who comes in often enough that we recognize her. She always dresses entirely in white and silver, and wears extremely heavy makeup: a thick layer of foundation that doesn’t match her skin tone, usually white or silver eyeshadow, and very pale, pink lipstick that is rarely, if ever, applied in the lines of her actual lips. She’s always snobby and picky about her flowers. The chain where I work has a fuel-saver program. You get a card that the cashier scans at the checkout, and for some items, you get a certain number of cents off your gas per gallon at the pump if you go to the gas station chain we partner with. It’s very popular and a lot of people participate.)

Customer: “Are these flowers the best? Because I want to make sure I get the best.”

Me: “Those are really nice flowers, for sure.”

Customer: “But are they the best? I have to have the best.”

Me: “Um… Yes, they’re the best.”

Customer: “Oh, wonderful. Just wonderful.”

(I ring her up.)

Me: “Do you have a fuel-saver card you’d like to use?”

Customer: “Oh, for crying out loud! No!”

Me: “I’m sorry, we have to ask—”

Customer: “No! I don’t use those! Who uses those?”

Me: “Um, a lot of people, ma’am. I have one.”

Customer: “Well! I don’t even put my own gas in my car! What would I want with that?”

Me: “Your total is [total]. Enjoy your day!”

(After she leaves, my coworker shakes his head.)

Me: “Could you believe her? ‘I don’t put my gas in my car, la-de-daaaa.’”

Coworker: “She works retail just like the rest of us.”

Me: “Are you serious?”

Coworker: “Yup. At the makeup counter in the mall next door. I’ve seen her.”

(I am Mexican, but this happens when I am studying in China. We meet a few Chinese people who are learning Spanish. However, they are taught that the only correct Spanish is the dialect that comes from Spain. In Spanish from Spain, the letter Z is pronounced close to English “th,” while in Latin America it’s pronounced like an S.)

Me: “Quiero comprar unos zapatos.” *I want to buy shoes.*

Chinese Girl: “Oh… You’re saying it wrong. It should be ‘thapatos,’ not ‘sapatos.’”

Me: “Well, in Mex–”

Chinese Girl: “You have to learn how to speak proper Spanish.”

Me: “You do realize I’m a native speaker, right? You’re actually trying to correct the way I speak my own language.”

(She just blushed and pointed to where I could buy a pair of shoes.)

This story is part of our Spain-themed roundup!

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(A policyholder has recently purchased an insurance policy and chosen the monthly payment option with payments withdrawn automatically from his checking account.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. [My Name] speaking; how can I assist you today?”

Customer: “My name is [Customer], and you people have really messed up, and I’m mad! You need to fix this right now!”

Me: “I have your policy information pulled up and would be glad to help in any way I can. Please explain what has happened.”

Customer: “I’ve only had my policy a month, and you’ve already taken another payment from my checking account. Why did you take more money? I already paid for my policy!”

Me: “You purchased the policy just over a month ago, and your payments are due each month on the same day as your policy started. We submitted the request on [date], as per the agreement. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “My checking account is now overdrawn, and it’s your fault. I didn’t give you permission to take any money!”

Me: “Actually, you did. When you signed up for insurance, you paid for only one month of coverage, agreed to monthly payments, provided the routing number and account number for your checking account, and signed a form agreeing to the terms for electronic payments. You were also provided with a schedule, and we sent you email reminders of the date and amount both ten days and three days prior to the withdrawal, even though we are not required by the contract to do so. It is not our error that your account is now overdrawn, and there is nothing I can do to fix it.”

Customer: “Yeah, yeah, I get all that, but why did you take money from my account?”

Me: “Because that’s the way monthly automatic payments work?!”

Customer: “F*** you!”

I’m driving through a parking lot with speed bumps when some woman in a shiny, new car comes up behind me and starts riding my bumper. I’m getting frustrated because I’ve been hit in this parking lot before and I don’t want to get hit again, and this woman is so close and accelerating so fast that I’m sure she’s going to hit my car going over one of the speed bumps.

When I get a moment, I swing my car off the road into the lots and turn my car around. Just as I’m getting to face the roadway again, I get the glorious image and sound of her hitting the next speed bump so hard, she scrapes the bottom of her car. She clearly does not learn her lesson because she continues to speed through the parking lot. But I hope she takes her car to the shop for repairs eventually and they get to laugh at her for damaging her car. A bit mean-spirited of me, but I’m glad that when she did hit the speed bump too fast, it was just her car that got damaged and not mine.

(I work in an electronics department. Every night we have to lock up expensive items. Since we leave at ten pm, and the store is open 24 hours, no one will be in our department. The manager is helping me with it when this conversation occurs.)

Me: “So, earlier, a father and his two teenage daughters were looking at phone cases. They were sitting in a circle on the floor, trying the cases on their phones. I was working in another aisle at the time but greeted them. After they left, I was doing my rounds through the aisles, conditioning, and I noticed six phone cases out of their packaging, spread around the floor. I was so mad.”

Manager: “Wait, so they stole them?”

Me: “No, the packaging and the cases were there; the cases were just out of the packaging and on the floor.”

Manager: “I was going to say, ‘It’s nice that parents are teaching their children to steal.'”

Me: “It’s just as bad if you think about it; they’re teaching their kids not to clean up after themselves or be respectable in public.”