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Don’t Have A Cow, Ma’am

, , , , , , | Right | January 25, 2013

(It’s my first day working in this cafe. It’s late in the afternoon and we are getting ready to close. I am in the back kitchen, cleaning, when I overhear this conversation between the waitress and a customer who has just walked in and is looking at the food we have left on display.)

Waitress: “Hi! What can I get for you?”

Customer: “Don’t you have anything else vegetarian? All I can see are these quiches, and they look disgusting! Like they’ve been here for hours!”

Waitress: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Normally we do have a few more vegetarian options, pasties and such, but as you can see, it’s almost the end of the day, so we’ve sold out of most things. But I can assure you that the quiches are baked fresh here and these ones are still fine to eat.”

Customer: “Well, they look terrible. I’ll just have one of those pies.”

Waitress: “Are you sure, ma’am? These are meat pies; they’re not vegetarian.”

Customer: “Just give me a d*** pie!”

(The waitress reluctantly bags up the pie and the customer pays for it and leaves in a huff. Sure enough, less than five minutes later, the customer returns.)

Customer: “How dare you sell this to me! It’s not vegetarian! It’s got f***ing meat in it! What the f*** is wrong with you?!”

Me: *to my fellow kitchen employees* “I’m going to love working here, aren’t I?”


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Cold Hearts Can Leave You In The Cold

, , , , , , | Working | January 22, 2013

(Even though I have graduated college, I still use the campus fitness center almost daily. I’m used to the student employees there being rude and late to open the gym in the morning, and I’ve had problems with campus security being unhelpful in the past. This particular morning, I wake up to a blizzard. As I pull up to the gym, I see four other regulars waiting outside the door: two old ladies and two students, one of whom is in shorts. Keep in mind it’s 6:00 am in January in Minnesota.)

Me: “Hi, guys! I take it no one is here yet?”

Old Lady #1: “Yeah, we’ve all been here since six and there is no sign of anyone yet.”

Me: *to the student in shorts* “Do you want to go sit in my car and turn the heat on? I really don’t mind.”

Student In Shorts: “No, I’m okay. I’m sure they’ll be here soon.”

(Ten minutes later…)

Old Lady #2: “Okay, this is starting to get silly. Maybe I should call campus security and see if someone can let us in.”

Student #2: “I tried five minutes ago. No one answered.”

Me: “I bet you all a million dollars that even if someone from security did come, they’d say it was against policy to let us in.”

Old Lady #1: *laughs* “Even they won’t be that ridiculous!”

Me: *to the student in shorts* “Are you sure you don’t want to sit in my car?”

Student In Shorts: “I’m still fine. It can’t be much longer.”

(After 20 more minutes of making small talk and pacing around, we are starting to get angry and contemplate just leaving.)

Old Lady #1: “Hey, I think there is someone at the front desk! Finally, we can go inside!”

(We all rush to the door, and, sure enough, there is a campus security guard leaning against the front desk. She doesn’t seem to see us, so we start knocking on the door.)

Me: “Hey, can you let us in, please?”

Student In Shorts: “Hello!”

Old Lady #2: “Woman! Open the d*** door!”

(The guard looks in our direction and clearly sees all of us waving, but she doesn’t move and looks away.)

Old Lady #1: “Oh ,you’ve got to be f***ing kidding me. Hey!”

(We continue knocking and yelling until she finally slowly walks over and opens the door.)

Security Guard: “I’m sorry, I can’t let you in until the employee gets here. It’s against procedure.”

Old Lady #2: “You can’t be serious.”

Security Guard: “There’s nothing I can do.”

Me: “Can’t you just let us stand inside? We don’t have to go to the gym. We’ll just sit on those benches until the employee gets here.”

Security Guard: “No.”

Old Lady #1: “We’re not going to do anything. What does it matter if we just sit there?”

Security Guard: “It’s against procedure.”

Old Lady #2: “That girl is in shorts and we’ve all been out here since six! Just let us in the d*** building! You can stand and watch us sit on the bench if you’re worried.”

Security Guard: “No.” *closes the door*

(By this point, we’ve all had enough and decide to just keep pounding on the door and yelling until the guard finally lets us sit inside. She grumbles and complains about this until the student worker finally shows up. By now, it’s 7:00 am.)

Old Lady #1: *to the student worker* “It’s about d*** time, young lady. Why are you so late?”

Student Worker: “I felt like sleeping in. Plus, it looked so cold outside. I didn’t want to leave.”

Student In Shorts: “Wait, don’t you live on campus?”

Student Worker: “Yeah, so?”

Student In Shorts: “Which building are you in?”

Student Worker: *says building name*

Me: “The one across the street from this building?!”

Student Worker: “I didn’t want to deal with the cold!”

(The other regulars and I were left speechless. I still see that student worker some mornings. If it wasn’t for the fact that I can use the gym for free, I’d never go back!)


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Losing English Patience

, , , , , | Right | January 3, 2013

(I work at a sandwich shop across the street from a high school. I serve a lot of teachers who come over here for lunch.)

Me: “You want a turkey on white with tomato? That’s [price].”

Customer #1: “Oh, and can I have a bottle of water?”

Me: “‘Course!”

Customer #1: *scoffs* “I can’t believe you just said that. As an English teacher, I think I should tell you that saying that isn’t proper English.”

Me: *not sure what to say* “Um… sorry?”

Customer #1: “There you go again! Those are fragments, not complete sentences! All the other teachers who come in here would be ashamed.”

(The customer behind her speaks up.)

Customer #2: “Yeah, well, I’m a math teacher, and trust me, we don’t care.”


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Putting The Squeeze On Stupid

, , , , , | Working | December 30, 2012

(I am talking to some of my coworkers about how I want to get a pet snake. I have always loved snakes and have been considering getting one for a while.)

Me: “I think I want to get a ball python, because they don’t get very big, but I would love a boa!”

Coworker: “Why the h*** do you want a snake?”

Me: “Uh, because I like them.”

Coworker: “Wouldn’t you rather have a ferret or a hamster?”

Me: “You’re acting like I have no choice, like it’s a snake or nothing.”

Coworker: “Well, I hope that when you get that snake, it bites you and injects you with poison!”

(Most of my coworkers go silent at that point. They all know I have a bit of a temper. But, instead, I start to laugh.)

Me: “Seriously? Do you have any idea what you are talking about? First of all, it’s not poison; it is venom. Secondly, pythons and boas don’t have venom. They are constrictors, hence the name ‘Boa Constrictor.’ If you are going to be a jerk, at least sound intelligent when you do it!”

(My coworker wouldn’t talk to me for almost a week after that. Now, six months and a new job later, I’ve got my first baby ball python!)


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They Crossed A Line

, , , , , | Right | December 27, 2012

(It is Black Friday. I am waiting with my friend in a queue that wraps all the way around the store. After 45 minutes, we are almost to the front. A nearby rack catches my eye, and since I’m not purchasing anything, I step out of line. My friend and the customer in front of her watch me hold a sweater up.)

Me: *to my friend* “Hey, do you think this sweater’s cute? It’s the last one!”

Friend: “Definitely. I’ll hold your purse while you try it on!”

(I step away to remove my purse. Suddenly, the customer who’s been watching me dashes over, rips the sweater from my hands, and tries to duck right back into line!)

Customer: “Haha, sorry! Guess you weren’t fast enough!”

Friend: “Are you kidding me? I’m not going to fight you for that sweater, but there’s no way you’re cutting back in front of me.”

Customer: “Whatever. I didn’t even leave the line.”

(A nearby employee, who has seen the entire exchange, speaks up before I can say another word.)

Employee: *to the customer* “Ma’am, I just saw you step out of line. You need to go to the back of the queue.”

Customer: “No way! I’ve been waiting forever! It’ll take me another hour to check out!”

Employee: “If it were up to me, I wouldn’t let you buy anything from us at all!”

(The customer stomps all the way to the back of the store.)

Friend and Me: *to the customer* “Haha, sorry! Guess you just weren’t quick enough!”


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