I am working at my register, serving a young woman who is trying to handle a fussy toddler. She looks tired, underweight, pale, and just… a little bit broken. This poor woman is going through the wringer. Sadly, I have to give her some bad news.

Me: “I’m sorry, but your debit card has been declined.”

She looks at me with eyes that I can tell are on the verge of crying, but she swallows this bad news and shakes it off like it’s a muscle memory.

Customer: “I’m sorry, I thought I might have been paid by now. My boss isn’t always on time. I only have £4.77 on me in cash. What can I get for the baby for that?”

She takes out her cash, all low-value coins, and places it respectfully on the counter. I double-check the amount of the items she is buying, all cheap store-brand items, and all essentials. It comes to just over £20.

Suddenly, without even thinking about it myself, I apply the employee discount and then tap my smartwatch to pay for the items.

Customer: *Eyes going wide* “Wait, what? What did you do?”

Me: “Today, it’s on me. Take your little one home to get fed, and then shout at your boss for not paying you on time.”

Customer: *Sliding the coins at me* “No… No, I can’t. Please tell me what I owe, and I’ll come back—”

Me: *Sliding the coins back* “I wouldn’t have done it if I couldn’t manage it. Seriously, please, it’s fine. I hope the rest of your day goes better!”

The customer finally breaks. The tears start running down her face and keep on coming. Her toddler has noticed and is confused, so she starts crying, too.

Customer: “It’s… it’s just… been so long… and I…”

The register is between the customer and me, so it’s a bit awkward, but I reach forward and give her a hug. She hugs back tightly.

Me: “It’s okay. You’ll be okay. I think you need to calm your little one down a bit.”

The customer wipes her face and then smiles at her crying toddler, picking her up and calming her down as I bag her items for her (not something we usually do for customers). She thanks me again, and she’s on her way.

The next customer in line approaches me.

Next Customer: “You know that was a scam, right? I admit she was a good actress, and the crying kid was a nice touch, but she scammed free stuff out of you.”

Me: “So what?”

The next customer is suddenly surprised. He wasn’t expecting me to not be so naïve.

Me: “If she’s a scammer, well then, she got £18 from me that I can afford to lose. If she hadn’t been a scammer and I had done nothing, then I would be losing sleep thinking about it, and lack of sleep is something that I cannot afford. So, yeah… so what? Why do you have to be so negative?”

Next Customer: “I was just saying—”

Me: “Well, next time, don’t.”

I scanned his items silently and he left red-faced: angry or embarrassed, I didn’t care.

The first customer and her toddler were back a few days later. She had come back the day before looking for me, but I was off that day. She wanted to try to pay me back and say thank you again! Of course, I refused and told her to always find me when she’s checking out in the future and I’d see if I couldn’t wrangle up some discounts for her. 

Returning the money… pretty sure that’s not something a scammer would do…

For the record, I am a woman, and I’m the one in charge of the Internet service and bills of the house. I’m also a programmer and gamer. My partner is a man.

One night, our doorbell rings at home, and I open the door.

Man: “Hello. Is [Partner] home?”

Me: “Yes.”

Man: “Can you call him?”

I do.

Man: *To my partner* “Which Internet provider do you have? How much are you paying?”

Partner: “That’s not something I handle. That’s her.” *Gestures to me*

Man: “Oh. In that case, I think she can listen to our talk, as well.”

By now, I considered this the first strike. He has learned that the Internet in the house was under my name, but I can still only listen.

Also, sadly, my partner wants to keep him going, while I would have shut the salesman down way earlier.

Man: “Do you know that your Internet price is now [amount] and will be [higher amount] starting next year?”

Me: “Wrong. I have the contract here, and these are the values we have now and will have next year.”

Man: “No, that can’t be right. That’s a good deal.”

Partner: “Yeah, she knew how to negotiate with them.”

We go back and forth about three times; he doesn’t believe the prices we have, even though I’ve shown him the contract.

Strike two.

Man: “And what speed do you have?”

Me: “500 Mb.”

Man: “Hmm, I don’t have anything to offer with that speed. But if you lower the speed, you can get a cheaper price.”

Well, duh!

Me: “Not interested.”

Man: *To my partner* “Are you a gamer?”

Partner: “Yes.”

Man: “But probably you can get by with a bit of a slower connection.”

Partner: *Pointing at me* “Again, she handles that.”

Man: *Very condescending* “Why do you need such speed? Obviously, you don’t need that.”

Strike three.

Me: “I am also a gamer! We both work from home. If we both want to play online, 250 Mb makes us lag in games.”

Man: *Very shocked and frustrated* “Oh, well… then I can’t really offer you anything. But remember my offer for next year.”

And then he finally goes away.

Partner: “Why was he so fixated on talking with me?”

Me: “Welcome to being a woman when it comes to technology.”

One thing is for sure: we won’t even consider that provider if I can’t negotiate a good contract with my current provider.

All of our utilities are in my husband’s name, but I am an authorized user. We have had the same utility companies for the last twelve years.

Recently, I made a payment through the online portal of our water company, but it showed that the payment had not been processed, even though it was taken out of our bank account. I called the company.

Agent: “What is the name on the account?”

Me: “[Husband], but I am an authorized user.”

Agent: “I don’t show you on the account.”

Me: “I’ve been on the account for twelve years. I’ve called in before and never had a problem. I just need to know if the payment was posted.”

Agent: “I can’t tell you that.”

Me: “What if I give you all of the information that you would need? I have our address, his Social Security number, and his birthdate.”

Agent: “We don’t use any of that information. Have him call and add you. I’m not talking to you until then.”

The agent hangs up, and I call my husband at work. He calls the company and then calls me back.

Husband: “You won’t believe this. I called to add you, and a different person answered. When I asked them to put you on the account, she wanted to know why I was adding someone already listed. Her exact words were, ‘She’s been an authorized user for twelve years.’”

My friend called me to complain. Her husband was blaming her because their daughter had broken her leg while riding a motorbike owned by another friend’s kids.

Friend: “Just because I told [Daughter] she could ride the motorbike bike, he’s blaming me because she crashed.”

Me: “Had she ridden a motorbike before?”

Friend: “No, but she can ride a bicycle, and she is fourteen. [Other Friend]’s kids are eight and ten, and they can ride it. Being older, she should know how to ride it better than them.”

Me: “But haven’t they been riding mini bikes since they were three years old?”

Friend: *Snapping* “You, too? That’s what [Husband] said. I thought you would be sympathetic. She’s older than them!”

She hung up, and that was the last time she spoke to me.

I am helping an older male customer choose some clothing when he comes out with this comment.

Customer: “One of your boobs is a bit lopsided.”

Me: “Excuse me?!”

Customer: “Oh, it’s nothing to worry about! It’s easily fixed! I’m a plastic surgeon, y’see. I notice things like that.”

Me: “First of all, I have nothing that needs fixing. Secondly, I would appreciate it if you didn’t look at my boobs.”

Customer: “Oh, I didn’t mean anything by it! But, here, take my card. I can give you a good deal.”

Me: “Even if I was looking for something like that, I work retail. What makes you think I could afford it?”

Customer: “Every woman deserves to look beautiful!”

Me: “You’re saying I’m not beautiful?”

Customer: “No, but you could look better!”

Me: “If you leave right now, I will feel better, and I’ll take that.”

Customer: “Seriously, take my card! We have very competitive payment plans—”

Me: “Get out! I’m no longer comfortable serving you!”

Customer: “So, you’ll consider it?”

Me: “Get out now, or you’ll be the one needing reconstructive surgery.”

Customer: “Fine! I was only trying to help!”

He finally left, and I took myself and my perfect boobs on a break.

Related:
Making A Complete Boob Of Himself, Part 3
Making A Complete Boob Of Himself, Part 2
Making A Complete Boob Of Himself