How To Polarize Your Customers

, , , , , | Working | February 25, 2014

(I live in a small village, and have been a customer of this bank for fourteen years. I am in there three or four times a week, and I know almost every employee. On this visit, there is a new teller. I just walked in the door and am the only customer in line. I wear glasses with transitions lenses.)

Teller: “I can help whoever is next!”

Me: “Morning. I just want this check cashed, please.”

Teller: “Actually, I’ll need you to remove your sunglasses first. It’s a bank security policy.”

Me: “Oh, sorry. These aren’t sunglasses; they’re my regular glasses. It’s pretty bright outside so they got dark. They’ll lighten up in a minute.”

Teller: “I’m sorry, but I can’t help you until you remove your sunglasses.”

Me: “These… aren’t sunglasses. They’re regular glasses. I can’t see without them.”

Teller: “I understand that, but you need to remove your sunglasses. I can’t assist you until you do that. It’s a bank security policy.”

Me: “Um, is there another teller available?”

Teller: “No. I’ll be right back.”

(The teller leaves and comes back with the bank president, someone who goes to my church and that I’ve known for years.)

Me: “Hey, [President].”

President: “Hey, [My Name]! So, [Teller] says that I have a belligerent customer who’s breaking security policy. Of course, it’s you. You want to rob us, too, while you’re here?” *laughs*

Me: “Maybe later. I’ve got a lot to do right now. Hey, can I get my check cashed? She said that she wouldn’t help me until I ‘took off my sunglasses.'”

President: “Sure! [Teller], cash the lady out. Don’t come back and get me unless she tries to rob you. See ya, [My Name]!”

(He walks back towards his office, and the teller cashes my check without looking at me. By the time she hands me my money, my glasses have completely lightened.)

Teller: *after counting back my money* “You know, you could have just said something instead of making me look bad. Was it so hard to take off your sunglasses?”

Me: “You have a great day, too.”

(I’ve haven’t seen her there again.)


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Like Getting Blood From A Stone

, , , , | Right | February 21, 2014

(My friend and I are walking into a store with a blood drive van parked upfront.)

Recruiter: “Hi! Would you like to donate blood? It could save a life!”

Friend: “Sorry. I don’t believe in helping others.”


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Just Lost Their Chemistry

, , , , | Working | February 20, 2014

(I am twenty years old and opening a new bank account. The account manager is trying to make small talk with me while the information processes. I should note that I appear to fit the “skinny blonde girl” stereotype.)

Manager: “So, are you in school?”

Me: “Yes. I just started my third year.”

Manager: “And what are you studying?”

Me: “I’m doing a double major in chemistry and physics.”

Manager: *stops typing and scrunches her face up a little* “Oh… wow. Really? Science? Are you sure that’s not too hard for you?”

Me: “Um, yes. I really enjoy it, and I seem to have a knack for it. I just aced a course on relativistic physics.”

Manager: “I didn’t expect you to say that. I expected something fluffy like interior decorating or fashion design. If you could excuse me for a second, I, uh, need to go get something from the back.”

(She walked away. Someone else came to finish up the paperwork as the original woman “was suddenly called away.”)


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Underpinning Their Own Stupidity

, , , , , , | Right | January 29, 2014

(We aren’t allowed to know customers’ personal identification numbers. If they disclose them, we have to issue new ones, blocking their current ones and starting a seven-day wait for a new one to be sent.)

Me: “Okay, you’ll need your PIN to set up online banking. Without telling me what it is, can you tell me if you know your PIN?”

Caller: “Why can’t I say my PIN?”

Me: “It’s your secure PIN. You shouldn’t disclose it to anyone, not even me. If you do, I’m required to replace it. That will delay what you want to do today. So, please don’t tell me what it is. Do you know your PIN? Just yes or no will be fine.”

Caller: “My PIN is [number]. I forbid you to replace it.”

Me: “Ma’am, I asked you not to tell me, and I explained why. I have to replace it now. I am truly sorry. It will take up to seven business days for you to receive it by mail.”

Caller: “DON’T YOU DARE! I NEED ONLINE BANKING TO WORK TODAY!”

Me: “Ma’am, I did explain this. I also have no option. I’m now required to replace your PIN for security.”

Caller: “But I need this set up today! It’s urgent!”

Me: “Ma’am, you clearly understood me. Can I ask, why did you tell me your PIN after I asked you not to?”

Caller: “I DON’T LIKE BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO!”


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Driving Down Route 66(6)

, , , , , , , | Right | January 28, 2014

(It is late evening, a few days before Halloween. My coworker at the register has been dealing with an irate woman for several minutes. She is ranting about the cheap decorations hanging on our door. As a result, a line is forming behind her.)

Customer: “I’ll never shop here again! Everything in here is cursed! You’ll be attracting the demon spawns of the devil!”

(I come up to the second register to deal with the line forming behind the customer. Most of the other customers shift over to me, but one younger woman is watching the first customer rant. Suddenly, the younger woman turns and runs out of the store. And a second later, she comes back in wearing the most amazing, and yet disgusting, full head mask I’ve ever seen. It looks like a rotting deer, complete with antlers, shaggy fur, and wide, dead, white eyes. The younger woman walks up to the ranting customer and clears her throat loudly.)

Younger Woman: *to my coworker* “Dude, I need $20 on pump four for my ‘Hell-mobile.'” *turns to the first customer* “And what’s your problem with us demons, anyway? Even the devil needs a place to buy gas and beer.”

(The first customer turns and stares at the younger woman for a long moment. Then the first customer actually screams and runs out of the store, leaving all of her items behind.)

Younger Woman: “I hope that lady wasn’t buying gas. I don’t think she’s coming back.”


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