Really Tee’d Off Over Closing Time

, , , | Right | September 1, 2014

(I work in a bar at my local golf club. We have closed at 7:00 pm for years now. I’ve just collected the last glasses and pulled the shutters down over the bar apart from the one which allows me to get in and out. I’m in the middle of cashing down the day’s takings.)

Customer: *at 7:30* “Are you open?”

Me: *dumbfounded* “No, sir. We closed about half an hour ago and I’m just finishing the last of my tasks behind the bar.”

Customer: “Well, you should be open for people like me who like to be the last to tee off on the course in the day!” *walks off in a huff*


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Writing’s On The Wall For This School

, , , , , | Learning | August 27, 2014

(I am in fourth grade. I am retelling this from my parents’ accounts.)

Teacher #1: “We’ve noticed that [My Name] hasn’t been doing well in our writing camp.”

Teacher #2: “It’s our prep camp for the state writing test.”

Mom: “So, what’s her issue?”

Teacher #1: “[My Name] hasn’t been finishing her assignments on time, and she often misbehaves when we give directions.”

Principal: “She has been to my office an alarming number of times.”

Mom: “Well, how much do they have to write?”

Teacher #2: “Not much, just a paragraph a day. We give them about thirty minutes each day, and by the end of the week, they have a full composition.”

Dad: “I see. [My Name] is a rather slow writer. Is there a possibility that she could receive extra time?”

(Upon hearing this, the staff present laughed in my parents’ faces! Luckily, I was eventually able to leave that school, go to a better one where students receive more teacher focus, and receive some psychological help. It turned out that I have high-functioning autism, which contributes, in this case, to slow penmanship and sensitivity to time pressure. My new school was able to accommodate me as needed, and now I’ll be entering high school with great test scores –including an almost perfect score in math!)


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Seeing (Natural) Red

, , , | Related | August 12, 2014

(I am a natural redhead. I am at my great-uncle’s funeral. An elderly relative who I don’t really know approaches me.)

Relative: “You should be ashamed of yourself! Do you really think that hair is appropriate for a funeral?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Relative: “Young people today and their fashions. They won’t even show respect for the deceased!”

(She then went away to another relative and started telling them of my disrespect. I guess she’d never seen a redhead before.)


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Political Correctness Takes A Holiday

, , , , | Right | July 30, 2014

(I am the third customer in line. There’s a customer at the register, then a man dressed in a way that clearly indicates he is a Christian minister. It’s two days before Thanksgiving.)

Cashier: “Thank you and I hope you have a great holiday.”

Customer: “A great holiday? What the f***?! It’s Merry CHRISTMAS. I am so tired of this PC bull-s***, you stupid little—”

Minister: “Maybe she was talking about Thanksgiving.”

(The customer turns around snarling.)

Customer: “Shut the fff… uhhhh…”

(She trails off when she notices his outfit. She blushes furiously, gathers her bags, and rushes out. The minister steps up.)

Minister: “Which candy bar is better, the plain chocolate or the almond?”

Cashier: “The almond is good!”

(The minister adds that to his purchases. After he pays, he hands the cashier the candy bar.)

Minister: “I hope you have a fantastic holiday.”


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Using The Lord’s Name Doesn’t Deliver

, , , , | Right | July 28, 2014

(A former guest calls on the phone.)

Guest: “Hello. My son’s basketball team stayed there yesterday, and apparently, my son left his sneakers and all of his clothes in the room.”

Agent: “Ah, yes. I see a bag here the housekeepers dropped off. You will need to contact a next-day mail service and have them send us a pre-paid shipping box, and we will have them sent to you.”

Guest: “WHAT!? I HAVE TO PAY FOR THAT!? You should just send them to me! Everywhere I’ve ever stayed at before sent things to me that I left behind! This is outrageous!”

Agent: “I’m sorry, ma’am. This is our hotel’s policy.”

(The guest slams down the phone but calls back five minutes later.)

Guest: “I’m sorry I got so upset. You see, I am a Christian missionary on a charity mission and I have very little disposable funds. Please call your boss and kindly ask him to pay for the shipping and tell him to consider it an act of charity. Thankyougodblessyoujesuspleaseplease.”

(I call the hotel owner, the most frugal man I have ever met and a devout Hindu.)

Owner: “Call her back and tell her we will be very happy to drop her son’s clothes off at a nearby homeless shelter and she and Jesus can feel very good about the clothes being given to people needier than herself. A wonderful act of charity on her part.”

(I tell the guest:)

Guest: “I’ll send the box…”


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