I work for a well-known video game retail chain. I’m sitting in my car having my lunch when I see one of our regular customers park a few spaces farther from the building than I am, maybe four or five rows back from the entrance. I groan when I see her, because she is one of our “I am entitled to everything” types and generally difficult to deal with. I breathe a sigh of relief when I realize she is approaching the cell provider next door, carrying a handful of accessories and cables and likely planning to make somebody else’s day difficult rather than mine.

Just as she puts her foot up on the sidewalk in front of their door, she pauses, looks back over her shoulder, marches all the way back to her car, and moves it several spaces closer into the disabled parking space she had just noticed was empty.

This lady seriously walked all the way to the building and back to her car before taking a space somebody else might have needed, just because she believed she was saving herself a walk.

We took our eldest to a wedding when she is quite young. A friend of the bride is talking to us throughout the evening; she is a bit grating. She keeps making comments about the blankets we use, the way we hold our daughter, etc. Clearly, she has no idea what she is talking about; half of it is outdated old wives’ tales and the other half just don’t make sense.

We keep polite, and my wife starts to entertain our daughter with some phonics-styled reading books.

Guest: “I don’t believe in phonics.”

Me: “Oh, really?”

Guest: “Yeah, it doesn’t work.”

Wife: “Oh? We teach with it, and the children seem to really take to it well.”

Me: “Yeah, [Daughter] is learning really quickly using it.”

Guest: “It just doesn’t make sense to me. I mean, it seems wrong; that’s not how the letters work. If I were you, I would chuck that book right now.”

Me: “Do you have children yourself?”

Guest: “Well, no.”

Me: “Any experience in child development or teaching in early years?”

Guest: “Well, no, but—”

Me: “But nothing. We know how to raise a child and we know how to teach a child. You do not, so please, just no more.”

She sneers at me and stands to leave.

Guest: “I was only trying to help.”

There is nothing like parenting advice from a non-parent with an opinion.

I work for a pest control company in an area with a large seasonal and retiree population. As such, it’s not uncommon for homes we service to sit empty for months or even years. One such example was a mobile home that our customer inherited from his father and has not visited once in the years that he has been contracted with us.

Despite the fact that this customer has never used — or even rented — this home, he insists on having the interior checked and treated each and every service. Our protocol only requires one annual interior check on our quarterly service plan. No problem! We have locked key boxes for such requests.

Oh, no, that won’t do at all. The customer has a digital lock installed onto the door — which the technician describes as being worth more than the mobile it is attached to — and insists that we personally email him in advance of each and every service so that he can assign a uniquely generated twelve-plus-digit code that will only function for the short window in which the service is confirmed. It’s a little bit of an inconvenience, as both the tech and I have to coordinate each service to tell me when to email the customer, wait for the reply, and then make sure the tech has the code before going out. This in and of itself is just a small annoyance to deal with four times a year.

The real fun comes with the customer’s personality. Every time he calls in to pay his bill — and I always seem to end up the lucky one to pick up when he does — he begins the conversation by stating his name and then describing whatever location he is calling from with an air of utmost arrogance.

Customer: “This is [Customer] calling from my vacation home in Maui/Washington/the Bahamas/etc.”

He then goes on to describe some idle complaints for a bit while expecting me to remain completely silent until he deems me worthy to receive his credit card information and be released from the call.

This is the functional system until, one fateful day, the customer doesn’t reply to my code-request email before his service is due so the technician is only able to complete the standard exterior protocol.

Nothing much happens after this until the following quarterly service comes due and the tech and I realize that the customer has found himself on our past-due list with an outstanding balance for the last service. This is strange, as he is normally quite prompt with payments, but I tell the tech I’ll take care of it, as attempting to collect on outstanding accounts is part of my job. I give the customer a call.

The customer answers with his usual level of arrogance and I explain the reason for my call. Oh, what’s that? You’re aware of the balance but refusing to pay because we didn’t treat the interior? Yes, sir, I emailed you on [date]. You were out of the country and couldn’t check your email? No, that doesn’t exempt you from paying, since we completed the base service and special requests aren’t charged any additional fees.

After going back and forth for several minutes, I’ve finally exhausted all my options and ask the customer what he would like me to do to fix this situation. His response?

Customer: “I wanted you to treat the inside of my home!”

I’m not sure what snaps in me with this statement — years of frustration at this road-bump of a customer interrupting my workflow every few months coming to the surface perhaps. Regardless, my usually pleasant customer service voice drops, and I answer him in a fierce monotone.

Me: “Well, sir, seeing as I’m not in possession of a time machine, we can only proceed forward in this situation. We rendered service for you in [Month] per our protocol and contract with you. Your inability to follow through with us concerning your access code does not invalidate the work we did on the exterior and we expect to be paid as such.”

There’s a bit of tense silence on the line before the customer responds, surprisingly meekly.

Customer: “Here is my credit card. My next service is [date], correct? I’ll just pay for both now.”

Interestingly enough, a couple of services later he removed the interior service request from his account and has been entirely pleasant on the phone when he calls ever since. Sometimes a stern talking-to is all it takes to reach people, I suppose.

I’m a lifeguard at a lodge, and before people walk into the water park, we have to check their bags for anything that isn’t allowed in. There are signs on all four doors to get in that say, “Outside food and drink prohibited,” real big.

An older lady walks up with her granddaughter and I greet them.

Me: “Good morning, ma’am. Can you open up your bag for me, please?”

She opens the bag and inside are five bags of chips.

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but outside food isn’t allowed in the water park. You can leave it here with us — there’s a security camera watching the area — or you can take it back to your room.”

She makes a really ugly face.

Older Lady: “Well, I’m not leaving it here with you!”

Me: “You’re welcome to take it back up to your room, then, or out to your car.”

Older Lady: *To her granddaughter* “C’mon, we have to go back up to our room because she won’t let us in.” *To me* “It doesn’t say that anywhere! We were never told that!”

Me: *Pointing at the doors* “Ma’am, it’s—”

She stormed off before I could say anything, and good thing, too, because I was about to tell her it was on all four of the doors. About ten minutes later, she came back with a now empty bag, shoved it in my face saying, “THERE!” and then marched into the water park.

I run a small yarn shop. While I have my store listed on Google, it’s mostly for people to get information about my store. Reviews are nice, but they’re not my focus. I’m in the back when I hear a customer yelling at my coworker.

Customer: “What do you mean, you don’t have [cheap yarn]?! 

Coworker: “Ma’am, we—”

Customer: “Don’t ‘ma’am’ me!”

I come out of the back. I’ve worked retail long enough to know what kind of person I’m dealing with.

Me: “Ma’am, leave.”

Customer: “Who the f*** do you think you are?!”

Me: “I’m the owner. Leave.”

Customer: “Yeah, right! Just give me some f****** [cheap yarn]!”

Me: “We don’t carry that brand. We stock higher-end yarns that chain craft stores don’t. The closest we have is [wool blend].”

Customer: “Good luck staying in business, then! Nobody wants to buy your s***!”

Me: “I’m asking you one more time to leave.”

Customer: “Fine! But I’m gonna leave you bad reviews! I’ll have my friends do the same!”

Me: “Cool. I can mark them as fraud since, if they’re that willing to do that, they haven’t shopped here. And I can tell you now, if any of my regulars saw that, they’d tell you to f*** off.”

The customer glared at me and left. A couple of hours later, I got an angry review on my Facebook page. By the time I saw it, several other people had replied, telling the woman to go shop at [Chain Craft Store] if she wanted cheap yarn.