The World: America’s Theme Park

, , , , | Right | May 15, 2009

(Note: this takes place at our cafe in Kuranda, Australia.)

Tourist: “Lady, how about we make a deal? I wanna buy this bottle from you.”

Me: “Oh, sorry. We only have four of the blue ones and they’re not for sale.”

Tourist: “So you’re telling me I can’t buy this?”

Me: “Yes… I know it’s a nice bottle, but we do need it for the water.”

Tourist: “Lady, I don’t think you understand what I’m getting at.”

(The tourist pulls a wad of US money from his wallet.)

Tourist: “I got REAL money here!”

 

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Goodbye Fighting, Hello Kitty

, , , , | Right | May 13, 2009

(The bar I am at has a reputation for lots of fighting, and they are trying to change that. One of their methods is to enforce a dress code after nine. I’m at the bar the day their new dress code starts. There is a guy drinking with a cap with the logo of a sports team.)

Bouncer #1: “Hey, man, new rule: no sports hats after nine.”

Guy: “What?! Since when? Why?”

Bouncer #1: “Since today, because last week alone we had sixteen different fights start because some guy got drunk and told somebody else the team on their hat sucked.”

Guy: “So I have to leave?”

Bouncer #1: “Not if you take off the hat.”

Guy: “Yeah, sure, fine.” *takes off hat*

(Ten minutes later, the guy puts the hat back on his head.)

Bouncer #2: “Hey, man, no sports hats after nine.”

Guy: “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” *takes hat off again*

(Ten minutes later, hat goes back on head.)

Bouncer #2: “Really, man, again?”

Guy: “I don’t like drinking without a hat on, so what are you going to do about it?”

([Bouncer #2] leaves and comes back with the bar owner.)

Owner: “Okay, look, man. I don’t want any more trouble, so the way I see it, you have three options: one, you and your hat walk out that door and don’t come back; two, your hat goes behind the bar, and you get it back as you leave.”

Guy: “Not going to do either of those.”

Owner: “Option three it is, then.”

(The owner pulls out a roll of Hello Kitty-print duct tape, rips off a piece, and uses it to cover the logo on the hat.)

Owner: “You now support the Pretty Kitties. I don’t know what sport they play, and I don’t care, but they don’t have any rival teams, so there is no fighting about who is better, got it? You can take the tape off when you leave.”

(Now, every night at the bar I see several Pretty Kitty supporters, and the amount of fights has decreased dramatically.)


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Hippocrates Is Rolling Over In His Grave

, , , , | Healthy | May 13, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

Doctor: “I need to verify my patient’s coverage. Her number is [number].”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there is a problem and I can’t access that account. I will have to forward this issue over to our technical department, and they will get back to you as soon as possible.”

Doctor: “I need this information immediately. Can I talk to them now? It’s very important.”

Me: “I’m sorry, they are very backed up over there and everything is handled in the order it is received. You will be added to the queue and they will get back to you later today.”

Doctor: “What if she was dying and I needed her coverage information? What then?!”

Me: “Ma’am, with all due respect, if the patient was dying there in your office, I would hope you would treat her regardless of her insurance coverage.”

Doctor: “Well, yes — I mean… Just make sure they call me today.” *click*

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America’s Next Top Model Customer

, , | Right | May 13, 2009

(The cashier I was bagging for is a very pretty blonde girl who likes to make herself up, while I’m a fairly plain and simple girl.)

Customer: *to cashier* “Oh, my, you’re beautiful! You’ll have it made; you’ll have everything you’ll ever wanted! You’ll do well in life.”

(The customer then looks at me and pauses.)

Customer: “…you? You’ll do all right…”

Me: “…”

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This Is Why We Don’t Color Code People

, , , | Right | May 1, 2009

Me: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “No!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “No! I don’t want no god-d*** Chinese serving me.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Get me an American.”

Me: “Sir, I am American.”

Customer: “What?! You think I’m blind? You think I’m f****** blind? Go back to China!”

Me: “Right, one second…”

(My coworkers hear everything from the back, so one of my white coworkers comes out.)

Customer: “Ugh, finally… an American!”

Coworker: *starts speaking Spanish*

Customer: “G**D*** IT! F*** Y’ALL, A**HOLES!” *storms out*

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