Their Comprehension Is XXS

, , , , | Right | January 8, 2019

(A customer enters wearing expensive yoga clothes that emphasize how lean she is. She walks to the clearly-marked plus-size section, so I go to greet her. She ignores my greeting and cuts me off before I can guide her to clothes that will fit her.)

Customer: “What does 4X mean?”

Me: “It’s one of our larger plus sizes, ma’am.”

Customer: “Is that smaller than a large?”

Me: *pause* “No, ma’am. That’s much bigger than a large.”

Bad Debts Get Bad Language

, , , , , | Right | November 24, 2018

(I am a debt collector, so I have had several interesting phone calls, but this one is a favorite. To speak to someone who isn’t the account holder, we must have verbal authorization from the account holder to speak with them, for obvious security reasons.)

Me: “Good afternoon. Thank you for calling [Company]. My name is [My Name], speaking on a recorded line. Who do I have the pleasure of assisting today?”

Customer: “Well, my name is [First Name], but I’m calling because you called for my dad and I’d like to know why.”

Me: “Okay, no problem. Do you have a reference number, or his full name, so I can pull up his file?”

Customer: “No, I want to know why you called my elderly father!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I do have thousands of customers, so I’m not sure why we called your father. It could possibly be a wrong number.”

Customer: “Well, we got a letter saying he owes [Client]. He has no affiliation with them! We called them, and they said he owes nothing!”

(Once a debt is in my office, this particular client forwards all those calls to our office.)

Me: “Well, ma’am, as I stated previously, it’s possible it’s a wrong number or a fraud. What’s the number we called, so I can find the file?”

Customer: “I’m not giving you anything! You should be ashamed of yourself, calling old people for an imaginary debt!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m here to help; I’m just trying to do my job.”

Customer: “I’m sorry that you have that job. You should try finding a new one, unless you’re just a crooked, evil person who likes harassing old people!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not sorry I have this job. I like working here. I’m here to help, but if we’re unable to keep this on a professional level, I am going to have to disconnect the phone call.”

Customer: “Well, before you disconnect, you can go f*** yourself!” *click*

(I immediately brought that call to my supervisor to listen to and get a good laugh out of. To this day I have no idea why she thinks elderly people are incapable of accruing debt, and why they should be exempt from being held responsible for it!)

There’s A Special Hell Reserved For People Who Talk In The Movie Theater

, , , , , , | Right | November 2, 2018

(I’m working opening night of “Deadpool,” taking tickets. After the first twenty minutes of taking tickets, I give up warning people with kids that this movie is NOT for children. A family of four — a mom, a dad, and two boys about six and eight years old — come in with tickets for — you guessed it — “Deadpool.” While tearing their tickets I tell the dad:)

Me: “Sir, just so you know, this movie has a hard R-rating.”

(As expected, he just sneers at me, holding out his hand.)

Father: “Just do your job and shut your mouth'”

(I give him his stubs and direct him to his auditorium. After about twenty minutes, my manager asks me to make theater rounds, where we walk into each auditorium during the show to make sure there are no problems with the film, and to check for recording devices, feet on seats, etc. He specifically mentions the “Deadpool” auditoriums because he’s getting complaints that someone’s kids are being loud and the parents are ignoring other patrons’ requests to be quiet. Dreading dealing with this guy because I’ve got a pretty good idea who it is, I go into the nearest showing. Sure enough, it’s the dad from earlier, who’s now arguing with the people behind him, who have just asked him to quiet his kids. As he’s telling them to mind their own business, the woman in front of him stands up, turns around, and yells:)

Woman: “Listen up, you sorry piece of s***! I’ve waited twenty-five years and one day for this movie, and I’m not going to let it be ruined because you’re a piece-of-s*** parent, so either shut them the f*** up or get your f***-trophies the f*** out of here!”

(Before the dad could pick his jaw up off the floor to respond, the entire packed auditorium started cheering and clapping. The family got up and left without saying a word. The kids looked dazed, and the dad wouldn’t look anyone in the face all the way out. Red-Haired Lady in the Deadpool shirt and leather jacket, I don’t know who you are, but you are my new hero!)

Vega-gaga-nism

, , , , , , , , | Friendly | September 13, 2018

This is a story from a few years back, when fad veganism was starting to gain traction.

At our college we had this one girl who would always hop onto whatever fad she could when they were gaining popularity. A lot of students disliked her because of her preachiness, and because it was extremely obvious that she was doing it purely for the holier-than-thou feeling, and didn’t actually believe in any of the causes she pledged to support or be into.

So, enter her vegan phase, where, day one of fall classes, she was in the cafeteria making this giant grandstand about all the positive of veganism and how it had changed her life, and so on. Everyone just kind of ignored her until she singled out a college freshmen eating a burger and proceeded to roundly mock his size — never mind that he was maybe 200 pounds — and blame it on his diet. He looked really annoyed, and a lot of the other people were really uncomfortable at her doing that to him.

Cue the day immediately after, where she did it again, but this time went up to him and started angrily reprimanding him for daring to eat meat in her presence, making her uncomfortable, and being insensitive to her diet. Without missing a single beat, he pulled the bun off and flung the meat patty dead center at her forehead, leaving a nice greasy stain for everyone to see. She paused for a minute, shrieked like a banshee, and ran out of the cafeteria crying. Campus security showed up a few minutes later, responding to a report of an “assault,” trying to stifle their laughter. They gave him a verbal slap on the wrist for it because he really didn’t do any harm and they were tired of her, too. She didn’t bother him again.

As an aside: a month afterward she was back to eating meat and processed food. Turns out she hopped into veganism without doing even the slightest bit of research, and malnourished herself into the hospital.

Pokémon Go To The Police!

, , , , , , , , | Hopeless | July 30, 2018

I work in a store in an outdoor shopping mall. If I end up closing, my boyfriend and I will eat a late dinner, and then drive down the main strip a few times hitting Pokéstops, as there are a ton in the area.

We also try to beat one of the gyms in the area most nights. Yesterday we parked to battle the gym and ended up winning and claiming it for our team. Less than a minute later, a police car pulled up behind us, blocking us from backing out of the parking spot.

The officer came to the car and wasted no time telling us that it was his gym and he would be taking it back!

It made our night, and now we are in for a real battle!

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