Tourist: “Where do we take the bus?”

Me: “Which bus are you looking for?”

Tourist: “The one that goes to our hotel.”

My colleagues and I bought a crystal ball for exactly this reason.

I work in a hotel in Rome, Italy.

Guest: “Do you know any official sellers of the ruins’ flints? I’d like to take a piece of the fora with me, but taking it myself isn’t allowed, and I can’t find anyone on Google that sells those.”

As I talked, I finally understood that the guest was absolutely convinced that people were fined for chipping the Colosseum away because “ruin flinting” was a protected traditional activity of sorts, allowed only for Romans. The idea of it being damaging never crossed her mind, it seemed.

There’s a drought going on in my area. More agriculture-savvy people have decided to do emergency condenser work, but as that’s not something usually done, our stocks have depleted fast and are slow to arrive.

In one such situation, we only have enough materials in stock to create a condenser good enough for a five-square-metre roof, which is basically a shed, and we expect to sell out even that soon enough.

A man enters.

Customer: “I want materials to do a condenser treatment on my roof. D’you have any?”

Me: “We do have materials to treat cement roofs and make them good for condensing, but only for about five square metres. If your roof is larger, you’re gonna need to wait two weeks.”

Customer: “My roof’s ten square metres, but I can work with that.”

Me: “Planning to treat only half of your roof?”

Customer: “No, just try to make do and cover as much area as possible, stretch the supplies, y’know. Sounds good?”

For those who don’t know, this will only give you half the result with far more work.

Me: “Oh, no, sir, I cannot recommend that you do that. It’s going to make you spend a lot of time to make your whole roof barely gather water instead of scraping a liter or two normally. You’re better off having five square metres doing their job well than the whole ten badly.”

Customer: “Son, when I say, ‘Sounds good,’ I’m not asking for your opinion. Go get me that kit.”

I obeyed and did give him that kit, figuring he either had more materials at home or at least knew his needs.

A few days later, a review was posted on our website, and it said to avoid us because we “sell only half of what’s necessary”, citing having ten square metres of roof — but not that I had mentioned the impossibility of stretching the materials in a meaningful way — and lamenting that he still couldn’t gather enough water “to take a piss with”.

Sadly, it wasn’t my call to answer THAT review.

At a bookshop I frequent, they pride themselves in having a large selection of books in other languages, but obviously, there are limits. One day, as I am browsing, I overhear this conversation.

Customer: “Hi. I’m looking for [YouTuber]’s book but translated into Albanian. Do you have any?”

Bookseller: “I don’t think we have it — or that it exists at all — but I can try to look.”

Customer: “I’m sure it exists. I saw it on [Website], and it said it was available in Albanian.”

Bookseller: “Then I’ll look it up and place an order for it.”

A little later, I go to the till. I see the bookseller furiously typing away and then sighing resignedly.

Bookseller: “I am sorry, madam, but that book isn’t translated into Albanian, or into any language; it’s only in Italian.”

Customer: “How’s that possible? [YouTuber] is popular in Albania, too. They must’ve translated it for sure!”

Bookseller: *Turns the monitor* “You’re free to take a look.”

The customer looks at the screen in icy silence for a long while and then stomps her feet before shuffling out.

Customer: “F****** [YouTuber], not wanting to pay for an Albanian translation…”

Related:
Lost In No Translation, Part 5
Lost In No Translation, Part 4
Lost In No Translation, Part 3
Lost In No Translation, Part 2
Lost In No Translation

I work in a hotel. To avoid drowning receptionists in people, unofficially, I work as some sort of information guide. I give out advice to guests who might want to know how to get around the city or Italy, suggestions either personal or sponsored, and so on.

Guests usually ask reasonable things, but I have guests who vie for the “Least Possible Thing Asked” award.

Guest: “I’ve been trying to go to Trevi Fountain, but it’s really crowded, and I can’t have my photos done well in that chaos. Can you please send somebody out to shoo the crowd away for me? I’ll pay extra!” 

Spoiler: the answer was “no”.