This Joke Is Out For Blood

, | Healthy | January 4, 2018

(I’m receiving a dose of chemo treatment, which in this hospital means sitting at desks in a room with several other patients. Probably as a result of their job risk assessment, the nurses are all wearing funny-looking, disposable filter masks, which is a novelty and a noticeable one.)

Patient: “Nurse, why are you wearing those masks today?”

Nurse: “It’s a safety measure, so we don’t accidentally breathe the chemotherapy drugs.”

Patient: “Then why aren’t we given masks as well?”

Nurse: “Because they wouldn’t do much of a difference, since you’re getting the drugs straight into your bloodstream anyway?”

(Despite the usually sombre atmosphere in the room, there was some chuckling.)

Don’t Want To LEAP To Conclusions, But…

, , , , | Right | October 22, 2017

(I work at a help desk for a hotel management software.)

Receptionist: “The software isn’t working.”

Me: “What’s wrong?”

Receptionist: “I’m trying to change the departure date, but it doesn’t let me do it.”

Me: “What date are you trying to set?”

Receptionist: “February 30.”

Me: “Try with February 28.”

Receptionist: “Oh, now it’s working. Why is there a problem with February 30?”

Me: “…”

It Only Takes One Iceberg…

, , , | Working | October 13, 2017

(My job involves safety training for the employees, but most people in the company see it as a waste of resources. I’ve had to come up with very strong arguments against their attitude.)

Coworker #1: “I have to go to [Industrial Plant with very strict safety rules] next month.”

Me: “You’ll need an escape mask. Before you go, remind me to show you how to use it.”

Coworker #2: “Isn’t it excessive? She’s only staying one day!”

Me: “And the Titanic only made one cruise…”

Take The Money And Run

, , , | Right | September 15, 2017

(Overnight, the shop is closed, and you can fill up by paying card or cash at the automatic pump. An angry customer comes into the gas station.)

Cashier: “Good morning, sir.”

Customer: “You f****** thieves! Last night I was here and that g**-d*** machine stole my 20 euros!”

Cashier: “Do you have the receipt from the pump?”

Customer: “No, I was in a hurry; I couldn’t wait for the f****** receipt!”

Cashier: “Let me get the manager.”

Manager: “Good morning, sir. The cashier explained to me that you paid 20 euros without filling up and that you have no receipt. Normally, it would be a problem, but I can check on the system if there is a difference between the amount paid and the gas sold, and very likely I’ll find the amount you paid. Unfortunately, I have to wait until this evening, so if you could wait until tomorrow, I’ll have your money ready first thing in the morning.”

Customer: “F*** OFF! GOT NO TIME FOR YOUR LAME EXCUSES! I WANT MY MONEY NOW!”

Manager: “I’m sorry, sir, but—”

Customer: “THAT’S IT! I’M CALLING THE COPS!”

(Once the police came, it turned out that the angry customer was a foreigner with an expired visa, so he was promptly handcuffed and placed in the back of the police cruiser. The kicker? That same evening, the 20 euros he claimed he paid without filling up turned out… if only he was a little patient, he could have walked off with his money.)

Blue Collar Sees Red

, , | Working | September 9, 2017

(I have graduated from university, and I now work doing non-destructive controls in industry. Today, I’m working with a colleague who holds a degree in engineering. We’re doing some testing in a district heating station, in the middle of a high-rise building area. For health and safety reasons, we’re donning hardhats, disposable overalls, and safety boots. A middle-aged woman passes by, with her grandson in tow.)

Grandmother: “See? You need to study and get good grades, otherwise you’ll end up a blue collar worker like them!”

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