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A Unification Of Celebrations

, | Friendly | December 15, 2014

(I’m not much of party animal, but my friends of eight years convince me to have a birthday party. With the help of my friends, the owner of the pub and his wife (who bakes a big cake), I prepare everything and send out the invitations. My birthday falls on the same day as St. Patrick’s Day which is NOT commonly celebrated in my country. Unification Day of Italy is on the same day. Everything is going well till this moment…)

Friend: “Okay, guys! Now is time for the toast!  Er, let me wish you… Happy St. Patrick’s Day!”

(Everyone joins him except for me and the owner’s wife, who goes pale. We are silent and confused.)

Friend: “Let’s cut the cake!”

(Thanks to the cake it’s quiet because everyone is eating.)

Friend: *turns to me* “Hey, isn’t your birthday soon? When will you have a birthday party?”

Me: “…THIS is my birthday party.”

(Everyone goes pale, some look embarrassed, and some drop their forks.)

Owner: “Well, since your family wished you happy birthday, and your… acquaintances wished you happy St. Patrick’s Day, I, as your friend, wish you happy Unification Day of Italy.”

(After that every year I got ‘anonymous’ “Happy Unification Day of Italy” cards!)


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A Self Cuddle Befuddle

, , , | Romantic | February 12, 2014

(My boyfriend is currently in university and studying for his exams. I’m sitting on the sofa, a little bored.)

Me: “You know what I wish? I wish we could cuddle all day long.”

Boyfriend: “Aw, I wish we could, too. But you know I have to finish studying first.”

Me: “I’ll cuddle with myself then. Hi, [My Name]. How are you? You look so pretty today! Oh, [My Name], thank you! You deserve some kisses!” *smooch, smooch* “Do you want some cuddles?” *starts patting my head and hugging myself* “I love you so much, [My Name]. Maybe we could—”

Boyfriend: “STOP IT!”


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Un-American Idiots

, , , , | Right | August 17, 2013

(I work at a pretty popular furniture store. A girl and her friend come in. After looking around for a bit and giggling to themselves, the girls come up to me.)

Girl #1: “Hi. Yeah… we… like… we wanted to know… do you guys sell band members here?”

Me: “Sorry, what?”

Girl #1: “Yeah! Band members! Like, you know, people who are in bands and play music?”

Me: “Oh! No, we don’t really sell band posters, sorry.”

Girl #1: “No! Not posters! We want band members!”

Me: “What? You mean you want me to sell you the actual band members? As in the actual people who play in the band?”

Both Girls: “Yeah!”

Me: “I’m sorry… I don’t think we have any in stock, and we’re probably not going to get some anytime soon. Actually, I think no store will have what you’re looking for, girls.”

Girl #1: “Aw, really?”

Girl #2: “Come on… Are you sure? Not even clones?”

Me: “Yeah, I think the most you will find will be posters and band merchandise. With pictures of them, maybe, but not the actual people. I’m very sorry.”

Both Girls: “Aw… it’s okay; sorry for bothering you.”

(As they walk away, I overhear them talking.)

Girl #2: “Aw, I really wanted a Billie Joe Armstrong.”

Girl #1: “Yeah… I guess our best bet is asking Adrienne if she’s willing to share.”

Girl #2: “Yep, we should do it. I mean, it’s like… It’s not like I want to marry him or something. I just want to be his friend, and cuddle with him, and pet his hair. Don’t forget about petting his hair.”

Girl #1: “Same here! Hmm, you know what this means, right?”

Girl #2: “Yeah. Let’s ask her on both Twitter and Instagram until she finally answers.”

(My manager has heard everything and comes over to me laughing. We’re both huge Green Day fans.)

Manager: “Oh, God… Were they… really?

Me: “Yeah.”

(My manager starts singing to the tune of the chorus of the song “Stray Heart”.)

Manager: “Everything that they want, they want from him, but they just can’t have him. Everything that they need, they need from therapy, but they won’t realize it.”


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A Fuelish Thing To Do

, , , | Right | May 27, 2013

(It’s a particularly cold evening. I’m chatting with a regular while filling his tank.)

Regular: “It’s so cold today; you know what you should do?”

Me: “What?”

Regular: “You should take a barrel, put it in the middle of the pumps, fill it with wood, then light it up to warm the place.”

Me: “…I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Regular: “Why not?”

Me: “Because I don’t want to die.”

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Make A Pesto Oneself

, , , | Right | April 5, 2010

(I am a 17-year-old-girl working at a pizzeria. A tourist who looks about forty approaches me, looking angry.)

Tourist: “How dare you sell this food in an Italian restaurant!”

Me: “Sir, I’m not entirely sure what you mean.”

Tourist: “This food! Don’t you know that pizza and ice cream are American? How dare you take credit for what we have done! This is ridiculous! I am going to sue you!”

Me: “Sir, that really isn’t necessary. I–”

Tourist: “Don’t you take that tone with me! Stop sounding all professional! It’s annoying!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, you-”

Tourist: “Shut up! This food is American! How dare you be so racist against Americans!

Me: “Sir, I am originally American, so why would I–”

Tourist: “This food is American!”

Me: “Sir, I–”

Tourist: “American!”

Me: “Ask anyone anywhere. Look it up on the Internet, even. I assure you that all this food is Italian.”

Tourist: “The customer is always right!” *storms off*

(I continue to serve customers. 25 minutes later he comes in again.)

Tourist: “Yeah, so I looked it up. Turns out it was Italian. Uh, so, can I have your number?”


This story is part of our Clueless Tourists roundup!

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