Sitting For England

, , , , | Friendly | March 28, 2018

(My family and I are taking a ferry between two islands in Venice. It is now late afternoon, and we have been on our feet non-stop since eight this morning. We manage to get seats on the ferry, which ends up pretty crowded with several people standing. I notice a middle-aged group standing near us, and I have just decided to offer my seat to one of them after I’ve rested for a few more minutes, when one of them bends down and leans in front of me and my little sister to talk to the person sitting next to her.)

Woman: *loudly* “You know, if we were in England, I’m sure someone would have given up their seat by now.”

(I then decided that my butt and that seat were best friends and could not possibly be parted, and they enjoyed a close, personal relationship for the rest of that ferry ride.)

Unless You’re Dying, It’s Not Worth My Time

, , , , | Related | March 16, 2018

(My grandmother is a stern, no-nonsense matriarch with some rather peculiar ideas about health, from growing up in a time when castor oil was the only medicine available. I’ve dislocated my ankle the day before and I haven’t had any treatment for it. As I limp downstairs for breakfast, I feel in terrible pain and as if I’m about to throw up. I try and make it to the bathroom, but I fall in a dead faint halfway there. My mother later tells me she heard the thud from the cellar. When I come back to my senses, I’m white as a sheet, lying spread eagle on the corridor floor, and my parents are kneeling at either side with eyes as wide as dinner plates. My grandmother comes out of her bedroom and sees the scene…)

Grandmother: “What’s going on? [My Name], are you running a fever?”

Me: *still out of it, and it shows* “No… I don’t think…”

Grandmother: “Oh. That’s good.”

(And she literally walks over me on her way to the kitchen!)

Looks Like Those Friends Didn’t Work Out

, , , , | Working | March 11, 2018

(I apply as a forklift operator — a job for which I have years of experience and several certifications — for a three-month job. The company likes my resume and sends me to a one-week, unpaid training course. At the end of the week, I am told that I performed pretty well, and I’ll be called on the following Monday to know when I will begin to work. Monday comes and passes by, and no call. I call the company on Tuesday just to hear that, “Sadly,” because of some lame excuse, I have not been hired. Two weeks later, the same company calls me and asks me if I am still available, as there is an opening for the remaining two-and-a-half months. Still unemployed, I gladly accept… only to be called a day after and be told, again, that because of another lame excuse, I wasn’t hired. After talking around, I’m told the managers of the company are prone to hire “friends” and “friends of friends,” even if they’re under-skilled, so I drop every expectation with this company and move on. Two months later, I have another job that I’m quite satisfied with, when the phone rings.)

Employee #1: “Hello, I’m [Employee #1] from [Company]. There is an opening, so you will begin tomorrow for a two-week contract.”

Me: “Sorry, but I’m not available anymore. Thank you, anyway, for the call, and have a nice day.”

Employee #1: “Ah… Okay… Have a nice day.”

(The next day, the phone rings again:)

Employee #2: “Hello, I’m [Employee #2] from [Company]. I know you already spoke with my coworker yesterday, but we really need you. We are still in the final production rush and we can’t find enough personnel.”

Me: “I’m afraid I’m not available.”

Employee #2: “Please? You already made the training, and you have the needed certifications. We really are short on employees!”

Me: “Again, I have a new job, and I surely won’t quit for a two-week contract. Please do not contact me again.”

(They tried to call me another two times, but I simply dropped their calls until they stopped trying. Seriously, we are still in an economic crisis and many people still strive to find a job, but do they really expect someone to be sitting on his butt for two months waiting for a vague “maybe in the future,” or even willing to quit a better job for a two-week contract?)

The Number One Reason Why That Happens

, , , | Related | February 28, 2018

(I’m a biology graduate. I’m at the seaside with my five-year-old daughter, trying to teach her how warm-blooded animals regulate their body temperature.)

Me: “So, have you noticed when you went into the water it felt freezing, but now it feels warm?”

Daughter: “Um… Yes?”

Me: “Do you know why that is?”

Daughter: “Because I peed in it?”

Spanks Are Found On The Third Floor

, , , , , , | Related | January 29, 2018

(I am about to get in line to buy a few items. A lady with a cart and a small child walks near me, also heading to the line to check out. The little one is playing with something, but I’m not paying much attention to find out what.)

Mom: “Keep that up and you’ll get a spanking.”

Small Child: “But you said Daddy likes getting spankings!”

(I had to walk away so the mom couldn’t hear me giggle.)

 

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