Doesn’t Know Numbers Or Words

, , , , | Learning | July 9, 2018

(Our math teacher is on maternity leave and we have a substitute. We’ve had multiple occasions to doubt his skills, but the test he assigns is the last straw. The test consists of four exercises, of which one is marked “optional.”)

Student: “Excuse me, prof, I have a question regarding how you graded the test. Those who did any two exercises and the fourth one got a passing grade, and those who did the first three exercises failed. Why would you do that?”

Teacher: *looks at student as if he never saw a weirder animal* “Isn’t it obvious? The fourth exercise is optional!”

(More students start voicing their opinion, until the teacher has had enough.)

Teacher: “Cut this out! What’s so hard to understand? The exercise is worth four points because it’s more difficult than the others, and I marked it ‘optional’ because you were supposed to solve it!”

When Working Isn’t Working

, , , | | Working | May 29, 2018

(Our company needs a few more hands, and we hire some new workers who have left their CV with us. We take care of all the paperwork, have a specialised doctor visit them, take their measurements, hand out working clothes and PPE, arrange a 12-hour safety course, take their pictures, and obtain access badges for the shipyard. The process takes about a week. Finally, they’re all set for their first day of actual work. Right before lunch break, one of them is back in the office, in civvies, with his working clothes in a bundle under his arm. He drops it on a bench.)

Worker: “I realised I’m not cut out for this job.”

(He just turned and leaved. My colleague screamed.)

Oh, Sales Rep, You Kill Me

, , , | | Working | May 28, 2018

(It’s my last day at work before sick leave; I’m scheduled for abdominal surgery the following Monday. I have told my boss beforehand and most of my colleagues, but I’ve left this sales rep until today. He’s somewhat morbid and overall not my favourite person. I’m explaining to him that I’ll be away for over a month for health-related reasons, when this happens:)

Sales Rep: “Oh! By the way, look what I saw on my business trip the other day!”

(He proceeded to show me the picture of a street-side billboard advertising a funeral house, offering a limited-time discount for their services. And he got annoyed when I failed to appreciate the humour.)

You Make Me Feel Week

, , , , , | | Hopeless | May 25, 2018

(My girlfriend and I — also female — have been dating for six years, and recently moved to Italy together as we are both archaeologists. I decide to talk a bit about the future while we’re watching TV.)

Me: “Do you ever think about the future?”

Girlfriend: “Sometimes, I guess. I prefer to think about now. Why? Am I still in your future?”

Me: “Oh, yeah. But only for one more week.”

([Girlfriend] looks at me in horror.)

Me: “I’m joking! Don’t look so scared! You should know me by now!”

(She relaxes.)

Girlfriend: “Good, because you’re in my future to stay.”

(A week later I take her out to dinner, something we don’t do very often, and then for a walk in the nearby park. It’s clear to her that this is something special, but she doesn’t ask any questions.)

Me: “You remember how I said you were only going to be my girlfriend for one more week?”

(The horrified look returns. I turn to face her and get down on one knee.)

Me: “How about being my fiancée, instead?”

(She said yes, and we both cried. A year later, she isn’t my fiancée anymore; she’s my wife.)

Chocolate Cures All

, , , | | Hopeless | May 24, 2018

(A customer approaches and asks for the tax-free service we do to non-EU customers. He’s very happy and nice, and he makes jokes and laughs all the time. The transaction is almost done when he asks:)

Customer: “You both look tired! How long have you been there?”

Colleague: “She’s here since 3:00 pm; I’m here since 11:00 am.”

Customer: “NO WAY! Is that why you’re drinking hot chocolate?”

Me: “Yes! And tomorrow I get her shift, and I’m going to stay here from 11:00 am to 7:00 pm.”

Customer: “OH! You get the bad shift tomorrow! I’ll be back, then!”

Me: *joking* “Then bring chocolate!”

Customer: “Sure! See you tomorrow”

(The customer doesn’t come back, and I forget about him. A few days later, in the same location…)

Customer: “Here you are! We’ve been looking for you for two days; we came with chocolate, but you weren’t there! What time do you close?”

Me: “8:30 pm.”

Customer: “I’ll be back before you close!”

(He actually came back with a chocolate pastry, hugged me, and said goodbye! He was one of the most pleasant customers I’ve ever had! Thank you, happy guy!)

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