We Love You IT Guy!

| Working | August 4, 2017

(There’s an IT guy at our work who is very friendly, but also tends to be very sarcastic. Being kind of a nerd, he just has a problem with people who don’t understand computers.)

IT Guy: “Boy, you must be glad that breathing is a reflex. If you’d have to think about it, you’d suffocated a long time ago.”

IT Guy: “I guess you do have a purpose in God’s plans. It’s just a pity God doesn’t exist.”

IT Guy: *whistling just one monotonous tone* “In films that’s the tone you hear when someone’s brain-dead. Just asking me that question about computers makes me believe this applies to you.”

IT Guy: “I hear they found a cure for Ebola. Then why is it they haven’t found a cure for you?”

IT Guy: “I guess our company uses a zero-intelligence policy when they are hiring people.”

IT Guy: “ICT stands for Internal Communication Trouble.”

IT Guy: “Well, you could reinstall your system, perform a complete virus-scan or do a system-restore, but you could also consider to put the plug in the outlet.”

IT Guy: “Yep. That’s me. Sarcasm, irony, or just plain cynicism.”

IT Guy: “You might hate me. I don’t care. I can make all your documents disappear.”

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App-lied Communation Failure

, | Learning | July 26, 2017

(Working as the IT guy for some primary schools I get a mail from a teacher:)

Teacher: “You need to activate and install apps on my computer, because the computer says so. I get this message all of the time.”

Me: “Could you provide me some more information? What is the message exactly saying?”

Teacher: “All you have to do is activate and install apps.”

Me: “Okay, since you won’t answer my question, it all stops here. Have a nice day and good luck with your computer.”

(Never heard a thing about it anymore.)

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How To Run An Idiot Survey

, | Right | May 25, 2017

(I work at one of the largest real estate and property management firms in the world as a help desk analyst. Now and then IT security will send out a fake phishing email to test users and to educate them on phishing messages. These usually have some enticing message with a link that leads to a video that educates the users on phishing, including why they should NOT have clicked on the link. This morning, they apparently felt like we weren’t getting enough calls and sent out one of their messages. This one said that management wanted to have the employees take a survey to make sure they are meeting the needs of the employees (that should have been the first clue). After taking the survey the employee might get a gift card (yay, another clue!). Throughout the morning the calls were all very straightforward, and then this call happens.)

Me: “Thank you for calling the service desk. My name is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, I received an email about an employee survey, but when I clicked the link it just gave me a video. There was no survey! Can you help?”

Me: “The email that you received was a test and educational message that was sent out from INFOSEC. The video just goes over the dangers of clicking links in emails from unknown senders, especially those that promise things like gift cards.”  *thinking she is afraid there might be a virus or something* “There is no danger to your computer and we don’t need to run any virus scan. Everything is okay.”

Caller: “I watched the video, but it never gave me the survey! I think there is something wrong with the survey.”

Me: “Ma’am, the video is all there is. It’s just to educate you about phishing. It even explained in the video why the email you received should have been deleted.”

Caller: “So you mean there is no employee survey?”

Me: “No… There is no survey. Just the video telling you that you did bad by clicking on the link. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Caller: “No, but I still want the survey.”

Me: “Thank you for calling.”

(Some people simply cannot be helped.)

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[email protected] W0rth 1t

| Working | February 24, 2017

(I work as a IT technician for a big transport company, where part of my job description is that I sometimes help users over the phone when they can not wait to get hold of the call center. After sorting out a problem that frustrated the user by not being able to log in, by determining that his caps lock was on, this conversation takes place.)

Me: “So I take it that all is ok now?”

User: “Yes, thank you. I feel like a idiot for phoning you.”

Me: “Don’t worry, I am just not sure what I must close your ticket as?”

User: “Easy. Just type the following; you start with the letter ‘U.’”

Me: *typing* “Yes.”

User: “The letter ‘S.’”

Me: “Okay.”

User: “The letter ‘R.’”

Me: “…”

User: “Then type the equal sign.”

Me: “Okay.”

User: “Letters ‘I’ and ‘D.’”

Me: “Fine.”

User: “The number ten.”

Me: “Uh…”

User: “And then the letter ‘T’ and that should do it and once again thank you for your help.”

(Looking at the screen, I see it and immediately start laughing. On the screen it says ‘usr=id10t.’)

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Caught In The Techno-babble Web

| Right | February 15, 2017

(Every Wednesday my company hosts a career advancement webinar. I make courtesy calls to remind people that it’s going to start soon and see if they need anything. The invitation they need to access the chat room has already been sent out for this day.)

Me: “Good morning. I’m [My Name] from [Company]. This is a courtesy call to see if you got the invitation to the webinar today and—”

Client: *interrupting* “—a what?! What’s a webinar?”

Me: “It’s the web-based seminar you signed up for.”

Client: “The web? What’s a web?”

Me: “Well, sir, it’s a term for the Internet.”

Client: “Well, you people never sent me the address to the webinar so I’m not going. I know everything there is to know about IT and I don’t need you to teach me anything.”

Me: “Well, sir, if you change your mind, you have my number and we meet almost every Wednesday.”

Client: “I’m not going to because your company is obviously useless. You’re making up stupid words to confuse me into looking into your services. Good day, madam!” *hangs up*

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