Not The Sharpest Arrow

| Phoenix, AZ, USA | Working | January 5, 2017

(I am covering the help desk for the usual guy that is out sick.)

Me: “Thank you for calling the help desk. How can I help you?”

Self-Important Coworker: “My computer has broken and I can’t work! This is the third time I’ve had to call in this week! Does anyone there know to actually fix anything!?”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry you’re having difficulties. If you can explain the issue you’re experiencing I can try to resolve it for you.”

Self-Important Coworker: “My mouse isn’t working! I’ve been working on this spreadsheet for four hours and it’s due by the end of the day! Now the mouse is stuck on the right side of the screen and I can’t get it to go back! If I’m late with this I’m going to tell my manager it’s your fault!”

(I get her information and remotely access her system.)

Me: “Okay. Can you show me where the problem is?”

(She clicks on the spreadsheet in the taskbar, so obviously the mouse is working.)

Self-Important Coworker: “Right here! Look! It’s on column 45! When I hit enter is just goes down!”

(Without thinking about it, I hold down the left-arrow key and scroll back to column one. Before I have a chance to say anything she chimes back in.)

Self-Important Coworker: “Whoa, whoa, whoa! How did you do that?!”

Me: “Uh, I just hit the left arrow key on the keyboard.”

Self-Important Coworker: “Oh.”

Me: “You can also scroll with the arrows.” *demonstrate by clicking on the scroll bar* “Does that solve your issue?”

Self-Important Coworker: “Um, yeah. Thanks.”

Me: *face-palm* “Thank you for calling.”

The Ticket To A Bad Christmas

| Charlotte, NC, USA | Working | December 21, 2016

(I’m working Christmas Eve with the help desk folks, who take calls from other employees. One gets a call from the manager of the department, who asks how things are going.)

Coworker: “Oh, it’s quiet here tonight; the phones are pretty quiet!”

Boss: “Great. I’ll be sending an email with information for you and the others to create 96 service tickets. I want them done this evening.”

(I wasn’t aware that I worked for Mr. Scrooge, but I am now.)

Not The Brightest Of Requests

| Canada | Right | December 6, 2016

(We remote to users’ computers to assist them with issues and resolve them. Sometimes certain issues are from the outside of the computer, so remoting to them is pointless and we just explain them how to troubleshoot.)

Customer: “How do I reduce my monitor’s brightness?”

Me: “Do you see a menu button on your monitor? It can be anywhere on the bottom, top, or sides.”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “What is the model of the monitor? It should say the model on the back of the monitor.”

(The customer then tells me the model and then says:)

Customer: “I have pressed a button on the right and it showed the brightness level.”

Me: “Are there other buttons, with arrows next to that button?”

Customer: “Right now it’s at 85, but I don’t see any button or arrows to control it.”

Me: “One minute. I will try to find a manual for your monitor.”

(I find a manual of the monitor and the menu button and the arrow buttons to select are very well shown on the monitor.)

Customer: “You may connect to my PC to see what I mean.”

Me: “Unfortunately, I will not be able to see the buttons on your monitor as they are on the outside. If you look on the bottom right corner of your monitor, do you see the power button with the menu button?”

Customer: “But you can see my screen when you connect to me, can’t you?”

Me: “I can see your desktop, but I don’t have access to the menu buttons on your monitor. If you look on the bottom right corner of your monitor, you will see the menu button with the arrow buttons.”

Customer: “That’s fine if you can’t connect. I thought it might help you to see how it looks when I bring the brightness level on the screen.”

Me: “It won’t. When I connect to your computer, I see your computer using my own monitor. I will not be able to see the menu options of yours and your brightness level will not affect mine… Now, do you see the button on top of the power button?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Do you see the arrows?”

Customer: “Oh… thank you so much! I figured it out now. Bye!”

I’ve Got A Ticket To Deride

| NE, USA | Working | November 18, 2016

(I work technical support at a company’s internal help desk. For submitted tickets requiring approval or rejection, the approving individual must perform these actions; we have nothing to do with them or the process.)

Caller: “I’m unable to reject a ticket. I need to know how to reject a ticket.”

Me: “Well, generally speaking, as the approver, you should receive an email with a link to reject and a link to approve the ticket—”

Caller: *interrupting* “I didn’t get that. My manager forwarded me the ticket link and asked me to reject it. I opened the link and added notes, but when I clicked ‘Update’ it approved the ticket. I need that changed. Why did it do that?”

Me: “Unfortunately, we do not have access to change approvals nor are we approvers of tickets, so we do not use those functions. Also, once approved, the ticket moves forward to fulfillment. However, we can send a ticket to the [Ticket System] team and they can go in and reject the request.”

Caller: “Okay. But why did it do that? What’s the difference between ‘Update’ and ‘Save’? They should be the same.”

Me: “That is again something [Ticket System] team would need to answer. Since we are not approvers we do not use those functions and cannot attest to the difference, I can add the query to the ticket I am sending them so they can answer.”

Caller: “But why did it approve like that? Why couldn’t I reject it? What is the difference between the buttons?”

Me: “Again, we do not know—”

Caller: *interrupts again* “Why didn’t you just say so instead of trying to answer? What lousy service. Lousy b******.” *hangs up*

Me: *turning to colleagues* “Can I reach through to phone and hurt someone?”

Colleague: “You can try.”

Read Write Error

, | Eindhoven, The Netherlands | Right | September 9, 2016

(I work in IT in the Netherlands. An end-user files a complaint.)

End-User: “My PC won’t start. Just gives me an error message.”

Me: “Okay, which one of the 100,000 errors do you get?”

End-User: “I don’t know.”

Me: “It isn’t written in Arabic or old-Mesopotamian, so what does the error message say?”

End-User: “It’s a bunch of white characters on a black background.”

Me: “And what does it say?”

End-User: “I don’t know. I don’t know how to read this.”

Me: “So you’re telling me that you don’t know how to read?”

End-User: “YES. Come and fix it.”

(The end-user is a teacher.)

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