I used to work for a major ISP in the Enterprise accounts, handling fiber and advanced voice systems. We would occasionally get residential customers who would go digging to find our number and call us thinking we were corporate when they wanted to escalate things. This did them no good, as we did not have access to touch residential accounts.

I would occasionally work floor support, and I had one of these calls that went really off the rails. It was an older-sounding man.

Customer: “I need a technician to come out to my house now! My television is spying on me!”

Me: “What do you mean, ‘spying on you’?”

Customer: “I can go into another room, do something, and not vocalize what I’m doing, and the people on the TV will be describing what I’m doing! Sometimes they describe things going on outside of my house, too. Sometimes, my neighbors come on my TV and tell me I need to move. But I can’t move; I’m hiding from government agencies trying to find me.”

I was trying to think of what clarifying questions to ask next, but he continued without being asked.

Customer: “My neighbors talking to me couldn’t be from my window because I’ve boarded up all the windows on my house. It has to be through the TV!”

He continued on like this for over an hour with no pause until he heard someone in the background of the call center laugh at something. He assumed they were laughing at him, at which point he started getting belligerent and making threats. At that point, I disconnected the call and elevated it to my supervisor per policy.

I did dial-up tech support in the early 2000s. I had a customer who could not get online due to error 680, which means “No dial tone”.

Me: “Okay, sir. The vast majority of the time, this error is due to something very simple like an unplugged modem or someone on another phone in the house. Could you please check for those things?”

Customer: “I wouldn’t be so stupid to have this be a simple problem like an unplugged modem!”

Me: “I understand, sir, but would you just check the cable on your modem for me, please?”

Customer: “No! It has to be something else. Try something else.”

We spent twenty minutes checking the grand total of maybe three other things that could cause that error.

Me: “Sir, you’re going to need to check your phone cord even if you don’t want to.”

Customer: “Fine, I will crawl under my desk just so I can prove you wrong and show that it is your software causing this issue.”

There was a pause for a moment, and then the customer came back on the line.

Customer: *Sheepishly* “The cord wasn’t plugged in. Maybe my dog knocked it loose or something.”

Of course, it worked fine after this. Gotta love people who call customer service and then complain about being helped.

I’m on the phone with my Internet service provider.

Me: “This is going to be an easy one. I just saw a truck take out our Internet cable.”

Tech: “What?”

Me: “Yeah, it hangs across the back laneway, and a tall truck just went through, hooking the wire and pulling it down. Now we have no Internet.”

Tech: “Yeah, that’ll do it. No need to do troubleshooting; I’ll send a technician out at once. Thank you for the easy call.”

I am on the phone with a customer who is angry due to issues with his router. I am running around to different departments, trying to get him a new router sent out via next-day delivery.

I am asthmatic, and I’m out of breath from running up and down stairs when I return to the phone.

Me: “Okay, sir, I can get next-day delivery for you!”

Customer: “Listen to you, all out of breath. You’re so fat and lazy! If you can’t get fitter, you should just go kill yourself.”

Me: *In a firm and authoritative voice* “Do not speak to me like that, sir, or I won’t help you.”

Customer: “How dare you?! I want to talk to a manager!”

My managers blamed me, even after listening to the call and hearing what the customer had said, and I was threatened with disciplinary action.

I work from home, so I need my Internet to be able to actually work. One day, I notice an email from my Internet company stating that they’re going to be doing Internet work and I will experience up to two consecutive hours of downtime with intermittent downtime throughout the rest of the day. The time of the day when it’s expected to start isn’t mentioned, and the email was sent about five business days ahead of the event.

While my employer is understanding that stuff can happen suddenly, when there’s going to be extended downtime, they prefer notification so that we can keep an eye on staffing if needed. Plus, I sometimes deal with sensitive information, so going to a coffee shop for Internet isn’t really a good option. Because I am working when I get this email, I log onto the chat feature for my Internet company, hoping to get some more information.

Chat Robot: “How can I help you today?”

Me: “I’m reaching out about this email that I received stating there’s going to be maintenance done next week. I’m hoping I can get a more specific timeframe.”

Chat Robot: “I’m having trouble understanding your question. Please try to use fewer words.”

Me: “Agent.”

It takes me entering “Agent” like four times before it finally transfers me to someone.

Agent #1: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

Me: “Hi. I got an email that you guys are going to be doing work on the Internet in the area next week that’s going to mean at least two hours of downtime. The email didn’t indicate when this is going to start, and I need to be able to let my manager know.”

Agent #1: “Let me check your account. Can I get your full name and address, please?”

Me: “Don’t you have that already since I signed into my account?”

Agent #1: “I need this information to check your account.”

I provide my name and address information.

Agent #1: “I’m not currently seeing an outage in your area. Are you currently having access issues?”

Me: “I’m not trying to report an outage. I’m asking about this email that you guys sent stating that there’s going to be an outage. I’d like to be able to let my manager know when my Internet’s going to be out.”

Agent #1: “There’s no outage in the area. Let me test the line.”

Me: *Head-desk* “I’m not trying to report an outage. My Internet is currently fine. I just want some more information regarding this email that you sent stating there’s going to be an outage.”

I copy the body of the email and paste it into the chat.

Me: “All I’m asking is for the time that this is going to occur because that is not indicated in this email.”

Agent #1: “Hmm… Let me transfer you to another agent.”

Me: “…”

Agent #2: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

Me: “I just want to get some information about an email you sent stating that there’s going to be an outage next week. It didn’t include any estimated start time, and I’d like to be able to advise my manager.”

Agent #2: “I’m not currently seeing an outage in your area, but let me test the line.”

Me: “Just to be clear: there is not currently an outage. I’m asking about an outage that you guys have scheduled. I just want more clarification on this as it’s going to affect my ability to work, and I would like to keep my manager informed.”

Agent #2: “Yes, I see that you’re asking about this upcoming outage. I’m not currently seeing any outages in your area. Let me look at this and, if need be, I can dispatch a technician to check locally.”

Me: *Head-wall* “Look, my Internet is currently fine. I wouldn’t be able to chat with you otherwise. I’m not reaching out about a current outage. I just want information on this outage that you said was happening next week because it’s going to prevent me from working, and I just need to be able to plan accordingly.”

Agent #2: “I see. Well, we will, of course, credit your account $10 for this inconvenience, but let me just test the line really quick as I don’t currently see any outages in your area.”

I’m done explaining to him and just want to end the conversation.

Me: “Great, thank you.”

Agent #2: “I have added a note on your account regarding the credit and added a note about this outage. Please let us know if you have any issues.”

Me: “Thank you.”

Agent #2: “Before you disconnect, let me see if your account qualifies for any discounts. What’s your phone plan currently?”

Me: “I’m not looking to change my phone plan.”

Agent #2: “Okay, I see here that I can upgrade your Internet. It will drop your bill about $30 a month, and you’ll see increased upload and download speeds.”

I’m mildly interested but also wary because I don’t want to get caught in some weird contract.

Me: “What’s the catch?”

Agent #2: “I’m just trying to save you $30 a month.”

Me: “Right, but this isn’t something where you’re going to randomly throttle the speeds or randomly turn around and raise the rent $50 or something like that, is it?”

Agent #2: “Nothing like that. I’m just trying to save you $30 a month.”

Me: “Okay, let’s do it.”

Agent #2: “Okay, bear with me while I update your account.”

I do slightly blame myself for not thinking this through, but whatever this guy did ended up rebooting my router… while I was on a call with a user. I guess I should have thought it through, but honestly, I figured he’d, you know, warn me since that’s usually a polite thing to do.

My Internet finally came back up, and the chat session had expired anyway, so I just logged out. I was able to get a hold of my user and help her out.

I told my manager that there was supposed to be an outage, but I had no idea when, so there was a possibility I’d just randomly disconnect. But so far, the outage hasn’t actually occurred unless they managed to do the work overnight and didn’t bother to tell anyone.

Now I’m waiting for the day I can switch ISPs.