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They’ll Get It… Slowly

, , , , | Right | July 15, 2019

Customer: “Yeah, lately my Internet has been really slow.”

Me: “It looks like we’re not providing your Internet, just some email boxes. If your Internet is going slowly, it looks like it’s not through us.”

Customer: “Well… the email was really slow, too.”

Me: “…”

Outage Of The Brain

, , , , | Working | December 12, 2017

(I’m calling my ISP’s customer service line to report that my Internet had gone down the night before. Everything goes normally up until right about the end of the call.)

Customer Service Agent: “All right, looking here it looks like there was an outage in your area last night right around midnight and that it came back online a little after two.”

Me: “Great, so we should be good to go, then?”

Customer Service Agent: “Yep. Now remember, in the future you can also sign into our website at [ISP].com where you can receive updates about outages in your area.”

Me: *thinking* “Oh, yes, I’ll just hop online to check why my Internet isn’t working.” *speaking* “All right, thanks. Have a good one.”

Internet Screaming Provider

, , , , , | Working | October 15, 2017

(We hire a bunch of college kids to fill in during the summertime when people are on vacation. It isn’t that big a deal; they just have to run down the script, and if that doesn’t take care of the problem, they transfer the customer to the next level. One of the guys is something special. He is studying computer science and he, “doesn’t need no script to help people.” I am eager to put that to the test. I create an outage report for a customer area in our training system and create a customer in that area that I can be. Then, I am able to live every support tech’s dream: I can be the a**hole customer to a smart-a** know-it-all.)

New Guy: “Welcome to [ISP] Tech Support. My name—”


New Guy: “Yes, what lights are on on your router?”

Me: *louder* “Don’t talk that technobabble with me, sonny. Fix my Internet!”

New Guy: “I can only help you if you tell me—”

Me: *even louder* “Sonny, listen: you fix my Internet or you’ll be sorry!”

New Guy: “So, what lights are on?”

Me: “Huh? One is on and one is flashing every now and then.”

New Guy: “Ah, yes, so we’re getting a signal.”


(By now, the floor outside is filling with coworkers who want to see what the commotion is about.)

New Guy: “Could you reboot the router for me?”

Me: *huffing* “Fine!” *rebooting PC* “What now?”

New Guy: “No, not the computer, the—”

Me: *back to yelling* “What did I tell you before? Don’t do that technobabble with me; just fix my d*** Internet!”

(I let him suffer for another minute, and since I’m getting kinda hoarse from yelling constantly, I eventually take him off the hook, not without him muttering that “nobody can help that stupid git.” He hands the headset to a female coworker.)

Coworker: “Welcome to [ISP] Tech Support. This—”


Coworker: “Yes, sir, may I have your name?”

Me: “[Fake Name]! NOW FIX MY INTERNET! Stupid woman probably doesn’t know jack s*** about the whole crap, anyway. Why do they even try…”

Coworker: *mutes me while looking up the relevant info*

(I keep rambling while I can’t help but grin inwardly. By now I have to gesture to the coworkers on the floor to shut up their laughter.)

Coworker: *unmutes* “Sir? There’s an outage in your area. Your Internet will return in about three hours. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

(And then, Mr. I-Study-Computer-Science says the magical words that make the floor resound with laughter:)

New Guy: “Oh, c’mon. No customer is that stupid!”

Weathering The Customer Storm

, , , | Right | October 5, 2017

(It is springtime, and it has been raining for a month. At eight am this Saturday morning, the sun comes blazing forth!  The news server has crashed and indexes have to be rebuilt, so it’s down for a while.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [ISP]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’ve been trying since six am to get my newsgroups, and nothing is happening!”

Me: “Are you nuts?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “It’s been raining for weeks. It’s nine am on a Saturday, and it’s warm and sunny out. What are you doing inside?”

Customer: “Holy cow, you’re right!” *click*

Coworker: “How the h*** do you do that?”

A Technically Grating Relationship

| Related | June 2, 2017

I work for a large ISP that provides subscription TV along with phone and Internet. I often take escalated calls from irate customers.

In this instance, I have been dealing with an older woman whose services are not functioning properly. She has called in multiple times and keeps asking for me. It gets to the point where she has even managed to obtain my personal number.

It was the day of the dispatch, and sure enough, she calls me again. “Why aren’t the techs here yet? I’m sick and tired of waiting!” I responded with “Please, just read a book. They’ll be there soon, Mom.”