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Automated Frustrated

| NM, USA | Technology

(I’m the customer in this story, talking to an automated phone system.)

System: “How may I help you?”

(Not sure if it’s voice recognition or it’s gonna start listing options, I wait.)

System: “I missed that. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Internet connectivity?”

System: “I missed that. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Bring back the f****** keypad options.”

System: “I missed that. Please press one for tech support, two for billing.”

(I hope that call was recorded for quality monitoring and someone got a laugh out of that.)

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Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 28

, | Germany | Extra Stupid, Technology

(I get a call in the second level about a customer who’s calling for the sixth time today because her Internet isn’t working. The first level coworker doesn’t explain what she’s found out about her problem, only warns me that the customer is really irate.)

Me: “Hello, this is [ISP] tech support. I hear your Internet isn’t working.”

Caller: “That’s right! I can’t go online, and you guys haven’t called me back! I spoke to [Coworker] today at 09:30 and he said you would call me and then you didn’t! This is outrageous!”

Me: “Ma’am, [Coworker] indeed did try to call you, repeatedly. It says in the ticket that at first you didn’t pick up and then the line was constantly busy.”

Caller: “Nonsense! I would have known if anyone had called! You’re just lying!”

Me: “I really have no other way of knowing if he called, only his notes. Let me just look at your line now and try and get you back online.”

(This calms her down, especially after I have to tell her to hang up so I can check her line. I see right away that her DSL signal is there and there are no other problems in the line that could prevent her from going online. It remains to check if her router dials in, so I call her again.)

Me: “Good news, ma’am. Your line is up and running.”

Caller: “Bull-s***! I’m still not online!”

Me: “I wanted to see why that is. Can you describe me once again the lights on your router?”

Caller: “The upper one is on, and the one all the way down is also on, but the others are off.”

Me: “Can you tell me again what model router you’re using?”

Caller: “It’s [Model].”

(Note that it is a brand that our ISP stopped selling about six years ago and it’s not been in support for more than a year, so I can’t connect the customer with the device support hotline.)

Me: “All right… So, the upper light means the device is on AND that it gets a stable signal. The lower light is the Wifi symbol; it means the device’s wireless network is active. So all we need to do is try and log your account in again. Sometimes the devices just erase them. I usually don’t do this, but I’ll make an exception just this time for you.”

Caller: “Okay, tell me how to do it.”

Me: “First, can you tell me how your computer is connected to the router? With a cable or wireless?”

Caller: “I don’t have a computer.”

Me: *after a slight pause* “How do you use the Internet?”

Caller: “With my iPad.”

Me: “All right, that should do it. If you could please get the iPad and open your browser—”

Caller: “Browser? What is that?”

Me: “The program you use for the Internet.”

Caller: “That’s Google. You should know this! Are you stupid?”

Me: “…”

(We couldn’t get her online. I gave up after I realized she had no idea how to open a website with Safari, which I somehow managed to locate. I got yelled at the whole time.)

Related:
Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 27
Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 26
Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 25

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The Router Of All Your Problems

| Germany | Bad Behavior, Popular, Technology

(I get a call from the first support level about a customer who’s complaining about his download speed.)

Me: “Good morning, you’ve reached the DSL diagnostic department of [ISP]. My name is [My Name]. Mr [Caller], I hear your Internet is too slow.”

Caller: “Yeah, that’s right! Way too slow! I pay €40 every month to get 500 MB/s and the only thing I get here is 129 MB/s! Why did they transfer me to you anyway? What can you do?”

Me: “Well, my coworker already did some tests, but I have more tools for a more precise diagnose and more options for fixing your issue, if it’s a line problem.”

Caller: “Hehe, girl power, heh? Didn’t know women get to do so much more than men at [ISP].”

Me: *coldly* “Actually that has more to do with me being second level of support. Now tell me, did you do your speed-test via LAN or WiFi?”

Caller: “WiFi only.”

Me: “Good, and do you have a network cable to try how it is via LAN?”

Caller: “Yes, but it can’t reach my machine.” *condescendingly* “It’s not a laptop; it’s a very expensive iMac. ”

Me: “All right… let me look at your download speed.”

(I proceed to do some tests that show me a stable line with a download speed of 501 MB/s – which means that his problem probably lies with his router or his computer.)

Me: “Mr [Caller], according to my results, your speed is sufficient and even a bit more than promised.”

Caller: “What? You have the NERVE? You—”

Me: “Sir, before you go on – this is what your router gets from our line. I’d take a wild guess and say its wireless module isn’t okay, but a coworker from the device management should take a closer look at your device.”

Caller: “Ah, okay, that makes sense.”

Me: “So, I see you have a [ISP Brand model]; is it on lease?”

Caller: “No. I bought it about a year ago.”

Me: “Great, then it’s still in its 24-month-guarantee—”

Caller: “No, it isn’t. See, I didn’t buy it from you guys; I bought it from some guy on eBay.”

Me: “I don’t know if we’re allowed to diagnose that if it isn’t bought from us.”

Caller: “This is how you serve your customers? Hey, I’ve been with [ISP] for 12 years; I DEMAND SERVICE! You can’t be serious! I pay so much money and now you can’t even fix your own [Brand model]? This is all your fault! I need to speak to your boss, to the CEO, and you’re going to tell him exactly what I said—”

Me: “Sir, let me try and transfer you and see if the coworkers there take it. After that you can talk to whoever you want to.”

(I transfer him.)

Me: “All right, [Coworker], this is a tough case. I think his wireless module isn’t okay. In any case it’ll be nice to take a look at his settings, and probably change a channel or something. There’s one thing, though; he bought his device on eBay and now he’s blaming us for it not working.”

Coworker: “So, he buys it for €5, probably used, from some guy on eBay and now it’s broken… How is this our problem? Transfer him; I’ll explain to him how the world works.”