The Router Of All Your Problems

| Germany | Bad Behavior, Popular, Technology

(I get a call from the first support level about a customer who’s complaining about his download speed.)

Me: “Good morning, you’ve reached the DSL diagnostic department of [ISP]. My name is [My Name]. Mr [Caller], I hear your Internet is too slow.”

Caller: “Yeah, that’s right! Way too slow! I pay €40 every month to get 500 MB/s and the only thing I get here is 129 MB/s! Why did they transfer me to you anyway? What can you do?”

Me: “Well, my coworker already did some tests, but I have more tools for a more precise diagnose and more options for fixing your issue, if it’s a line problem.”

Caller: “Hehe, girl power, heh? Didn’t know women get to do so much more than men at [ISP].”

Me: *coldly* “Actually that has more to do with me being second level of support. Now tell me, did you do your speed-test via LAN or WiFi?”

Caller: “WiFi only.”

Me: “Good, and do you have a network cable to try how it is via LAN?”

Caller: “Yes, but it can’t reach my machine.” *condescendingly* “It’s not a laptop; it’s a very expensive iMac. ”

Me: “All right… let me look at your download speed.”

(I proceed to do some tests that show me a stable line with a download speed of 501 MB/s – which means that his problem probably lies with his router or his computer.)

Me: “Mr [Caller], according to my results, your speed is sufficient and even a bit more than promised.”

Caller: “What? You have the NERVE? You—”

Me: “Sir, before you go on – this is what your router gets from our line. I’d take a wild guess and say its wireless module isn’t okay, but a coworker from the device management should take a closer look at your device.”

Caller: “Ah, okay, that makes sense.”

Me: “So, I see you have a [ISP Brand model]; is it on lease?”

Caller: “No. I bought it about a year ago.”

Me: “Great, then it’s still in its 24-month-guarantee—”

Caller: “No, it isn’t. See, I didn’t buy it from you guys; I bought it from some guy on eBay.”

Me: “I don’t know if we’re allowed to diagnose that if it isn’t bought from us.”

Caller: “This is how you serve your customers? Hey, I’ve been with [ISP] for 12 years; I DEMAND SERVICE! You can’t be serious! I pay so much money and now you can’t even fix your own [Brand model]? This is all your fault! I need to speak to your boss, to the CEO, and you’re going to tell him exactly what I said—”

Me: “Sir, let me try and transfer you and see if the coworkers there take it. After that you can talk to whoever you want to.”

(I transfer him.)

Me: “All right, [Coworker], this is a tough case. I think his wireless module isn’t okay. In any case it’ll be nice to take a look at his settings, and probably change a channel or something. There’s one thing, though; he bought his device on eBay and now he’s blaming us for it not working.”

Coworker: “So, he buys it for €5, probably used, from some guy on eBay and now it’s broken… How is this our problem? Transfer him; I’ll explain to him how the world works.”


This Call Is Not Looking Good

, | Magdeburg, Germany | Extra Stupid, Technology

(I’m on the phone with a customer whose connection repeatedly syncs off, and basic troubleshooting hasn’t helped.)

Me: “All right, Mr. [Customer], since you’re online now, I’d like to log into your router to see what kind of error messages it produces when the sync is off.”

Customer: “What, you can do that? You can read my emails? But isn’t this against the data protection law?”

Me: “You don’t have to worry. I can’t read your email. I can only log into your router’s logbook.”

(I proceed to explain what the logbook is for several minutes, until the customer consents.)

Me: “All right, it would seem that you get random timeouts and this is why it syncs off. I’ll try to fix it by reconfiguring your line. It’ll take several minutes; after that I’ll need you to restart your router for me.”

Customer: “All right, but answer me this question: can you see my apartment?”

Me: “Your apartment?”

Customer: “Well, yes. You can see my connection and log into my router, so I guess you can look at my apartment, right?”

Me: *jokingly* “No, sir, we can’t do that; this is the NSA’s job.”

Customer: *laughing* “Ah, okay, then it’s all right. But if you are looking, don’t worry, today I cleaned everything up.”

Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 25

, | Germany | Extra Stupid, Popular, Technology

Customer: “Hello, I need help. I can’t connect with my WiFi router.”

Coworker: “Are you connected via LAN or via WiFi?”

Customer: “WiFi.”

Coworker: “How far are you from your router?”

Customer: “About half a meter.”

Coworker: *already confused* “What kind of router do you use?”

(The customer names an expensive and reliable brand.)

Coworker: “All right, can you try and connect your router with a LAN cable?”

Customer: “I’ll have to go search for one in the car—”

(At this point Coworker hears funny noises.)

Coworker: “Oh, these are funny noises. Are you in your garden?”

Customer: “No, I’m out fishing.”

Coworker: “And you want to get WiFi?”

Customer: “Well, yes, of course, so I packed my router and took it with me. This is how it works, right?”

Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 24
Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 23
Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 22

Brain Not Listed

| San Diego, CA, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Technology

(I run tech support for our web hosting system. When a user submits a ticket, the form asks which site they are referring to.)

Customer: “I am looking to gain admin rights. Please send me an update and a possible timeline of when it will be confirmed.”

Me: *checking form to see “Site Not Listed” for the site name* “Thank you for the information, but I need to know the site you are referring to before I can confirm with the authorities that you are to be the new admin.”

Customer: “I need admin rights for our account. The previous admin is no longer here.”

Me: “Again, I need to know which site you are referring to. What is the name of the site as it appears on our system? You indicated “Site Not Listed” on the form and your message does not state which site you are referring to. I need to know the name of the site in order to assist.”

Customer: “Why is this so hard? I just need admin rights!”

Me: “…”

I Swear By My Password

, | TX, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque, Technology

(I work for an ISP that also provides e-mail. The phone rings.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Provider]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Hi, I just got a new computer, and I can’t remember the password to log into my e-mail.”

Me: “I can certainly help you out with that. Give me one moment to bring up your account.”

(I verify some information with her and bring up her info, including her e-mail password. Because of what it is though, I’m having trouble figuring out how to give it to her.)

Me: “Okay… So, I have your password up now. So I just want to be clear that what I’m about to tell you is really what I’m seeing on my screen.”

Customer: “All right.”

Me: “Okay, well, the password is ‘f*** you.'”

(I hear some typing in the background.)

Customer: “Great! That was it! Thank you so much!” *click*

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