(I’m on the phone with a customer whose connection repeatedly syncs off, and basic troubleshooting hasn’t helped.)

Me: “All right, Mr. [Customer], since you’re online now, I’d like to log into your router to see what kind of error messages it produces when the sync is off.”

Customer: “What, you can do that? You can read my emails? But isn’t this against the data protection law?”

Me: “You don’t have to worry. I can’t read your email. I can only log into your router’s logbook.”

(I proceed to explain what the logbook is for several minutes, until the customer consents.)

Me: “All right, it would seem that you get random timeouts and this is why it syncs off. I’ll try to fix it by reconfiguring your line. It’ll take several minutes; after that I’ll need you to restart your router for me.”

Customer: “All right, but answer me this question: can you see my apartment?”

Me: “Your apartment?”

Customer: “Well, yes. You can see my connection and log into my router, so I guess you can look at my apartment, right?”

Me: *jokingly* “No, sir, we can’t do that; this is the NSA’s job.”

Customer: *laughing* “Ah, okay, then it’s all right. But if you are looking, don’t worry, today I cleaned everything up.”

Customer: “Hello, I need help. I can’t connect with my WiFi router.”

Coworker: “Are you connected via LAN or via WiFi?”

Customer: “WiFi.”

Coworker: “How far are you from your router?”

Customer: “About half a meter.”

Coworker: *already confused* “What kind of router do you use?”

(The customer names an expensive and reliable brand.)

Coworker: “All right, can you try and connect your router with a LAN cable?”

Customer: “I’ll have to go search for one in the car—”

(At this point Coworker hears funny noises.)

Coworker: “Oh, these are funny noises. Are you in your garden?”

Customer: “No, I’m out fishing.”

Coworker: “And you want to get WiFi?”

Customer: “Well, yes, of course, so I packed my router and took it with me. This is how it works, right?”

(After a few day’s of my Internet disconnecting for a few minutes at least five times a day – when I’m there, so who knows how often it happened while I was at work – I call my Internet provider to get it fixed. They require account holders to punch in the phone number of their account to start off the holding process, which lasted twenty minutes before a customer service representative finally picks up my call.)

Customer Service Representative: “Hello. Can you please tell me the number associated with your account?”

Me: *gives number*

Customer Service Representative: “And your name?”

Me: *gives name*

Customer Service Representative: “…Could you please give me the account number again?” *I give her the number* “And your name is…?”

(I give my name again, and ultimately have to give my account number twice. After that, she asks what the problem is and I explain.)

Customer Service Representative: “Okay, can you give me the item number on your router?”

Me: *gives number*

Customer Service Representative: “…Can you repeat that for me, please?”

Me: *gives number again*

Customer Service Representative: “Okay, so is the Internet light on your router solid, slowly blinking, or quickly blinking?”

Me: “Quickly blinking.”

Customer Service Representative: “Is it solid, slowly blinking, or quickly blinking?”

Me: “…QUICKLY blinking.”

Customer Service Representative: “All right. And your wireless light?”

Me: “Slowly blinking.”

Customer Service Representative: “Is it solid, quickly blinking, or slowly blinking?”

Me: “Slowly. Blinking.”

(The representative proceeds to ask me to wait while she looks something up. Five minutes later, she returns to walk me through the troubleshooting procedure. As before, every answer I give needs to be repeated. She also waits for like a minute between each step, even if it’s as simple as clicking “okay,” and even when I tell her I finished. Thankfully, it worked, because I don’t believe I would have had the patience to sit through another one of these calls without yelling.)

(I run tech support for our web hosting system. When a user submits a ticket, the form asks which site they are referring to.)

Customer: “I am looking to gain admin rights. Please send me an update and a possible timeline of when it will be confirmed.”

Me: *checking form to see “Site Not Listed” for the site name* “Thank you for the information, but I need to know the site you are referring to before I can confirm with the authorities that you are to be the new admin.”

Customer: “I need admin rights for our account. The previous admin is no longer here.”

Me: “Again, I need to know which site you are referring to. What is the name of the site as it appears on our system? You indicated “Site Not Listed” on the form and your message does not state which site you are referring to. I need to know the name of the site in order to assist.”

Customer: “Why is this so hard? I just need admin rights!”

Me: “…”

(I work for a large ISP taking calls for the whole country. This happens right before one of the big winter storms of the year hits. A customer calls in to verify their appointment.)

Customer: “Yes, I have an appointment for tomorrow and with the snow coming I wanted to know when it would be canceled.”

Me: “Of course, ma’am. Let me pull things up and make sure your appointment is still scheduled for tomorrow. I see no reason why it wouldn’t be since we haven’t received any notices about the storm canceling appointments. ”

(I pull up and verify her account. The appointment is there for the next morning as it should be.)

Me: “Ma’am, your appointment is still scheduled so we do plan to be out there in the morning to install your services.”

Customer: “How will they let me know when it is cancelled?”

(This strikes me as odd because she doesn’t “if” but “when.” She seems very adamant that the appointment will be canceled.)

Me: “If the storm gets bad enough, we will call you. It rarely happens, though, and as I said before we’ve received no notifications that it will.”

Customer: “I have to be in to work tomorrow so I need to know when it will be canceled!”

Me: “It will only be canceled if the storm gets bad enough.”

Customer: “Yes! And when will that be?”

Me: *flabbergasted* “I don’t know, ma’am. Whenever the storm gets bad enough.”

Customer: “Well, you’re no help!” *hangs up*

(First time I’ve ever heard of someone expecting a psychic weather man for the customer service rep!)