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Full Of Hot Air

| Working | December 28, 2012

(For a few days, I have been receiving text messages mistakenly informing me that my phone line has not been connected because I missed a visit by an engineer.)

Employee: “I understand your problem, sir, but I will have to transfer you through to another department and inform them of your situation. Are you alright to hold?”

Me: “Yes, that’s fine.”

Employee: “Okay, I am putting you on hold now.”

Me: “No problem.”

(At this point I expect some sort of hold music. However, the same employee remains on the line.)

Employee: “…So how’s the weather?”

Me: “Pardon, sorry?”

Employee: “The weather… how’s the weather where you are?”

Me: “Um… it’s fine. A bit cloudy but nothing too bad. Erm… how’s the weather where you are?”

Employee: “I am in India, sir. We don’t have weather here.”

(Bodily) Equipment Malfunctions

| Right | August 29, 2011

(The modems we supply customers with have a light that has “PPP” written next to it. Customers often call up when their internet is down and tell us that their PPP light is off.)

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [ISP]. How may I assist you?”

Customer: *distressed* “My PP is not working!”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: “Something is wrong with my PP!”

From Boob Tube To Boob Tubes

| Right | July 13, 2011

(In 1994, I worked at one of the first ISPs in the world. Customers have heard a lot about the internet, but in the days before Google, they sometimes had a hard time finding exactly what they wanted.)

Female coworker: “Hey, I have a guy on line 1 who is asking to talk to a male.”

Me: “What? That’s insane. What does he want?”

Female coworker: “I have no idea, but he’s really insistent on talking to a guy.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll take it.” *picks up phone* “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I…uh…have a question and, um…I wanted to talk to another guy about it, if ya know…”

Me: “What is your question, sir?”

Customer: “Well, I’m on the Internet and I’m looking for something. I can’t find it.”

Me: “I understand. What are you looking for?”

Customer: “Uh…well…where the h*** are the boobies?”

Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 7

, , , , | Right | March 23, 2011

(It is the time of the dial-up internet. A customer is calling to complain. Whenever he connects to the internet, he receives a ‘no dial tone’ message.)

Me: “Is your phone cord plugged into the modem?”

Caller: “Wait a second. Yeah, it’s plugged in.”

Me: “Is your phone cord plugged into the wall?”

Caller: “Wait a second. Yeah, it’s plugged in to the wall.”

Me: “Well, I’m not sure what it is. You should be able to connect to the internet.”

Caller: “Do they both have to be plugged in at the same time?”

Deep Pockets

, , | Right | December 24, 2007

Customer: “I’d like to buy the Internet, please.”

Sales: “The whole thing?”