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The Router Of All Your Problems

| Germany | Bad Behavior, Popular, Technology

(I get a call from the first support level about a customer who’s complaining about his download speed.)

Me: “Good morning, you’ve reached the DSL diagnostic department of [ISP]. My name is [My Name]. Mr [Caller], I hear your Internet is too slow.”

Caller: “Yeah, that’s right! Way too slow! I pay €40 every month to get 500 MB/s and the only thing I get here is 129 MB/s! Why did they transfer me to you anyway? What can you do?”

Me: “Well, my coworker already did some tests, but I have more tools for a more precise diagnose and more options for fixing your issue, if it’s a line problem.”

Caller: “Hehe, girl power, heh? Didn’t know women get to do so much more than men at [ISP].”

Me: *coldly* “Actually that has more to do with me being second level of support. Now tell me, did you do your speed-test via LAN or WiFi?”

Caller: “WiFi only.”

Me: “Good, and do you have a network cable to try how it is via LAN?”

Caller: “Yes, but it can’t reach my machine.” *condescendingly* “It’s not a laptop; it’s a very expensive iMac. ”

Me: “All right… let me look at your download speed.”

(I proceed to do some tests that show me a stable line with a download speed of 501 MB/s – which means that his problem probably lies with his router or his computer.)

Me: “Mr [Caller], according to my results, your speed is sufficient and even a bit more than promised.”

Caller: “What? You have the NERVE? You—”

Me: “Sir, before you go on – this is what your router gets from our line. I’d take a wild guess and say its wireless module isn’t okay, but a coworker from the device management should take a closer look at your device.”

Caller: “Ah, okay, that makes sense.”

Me: “So, I see you have a [ISP Brand model]; is it on lease?”

Caller: “No. I bought it about a year ago.”

Me: “Great, then it’s still in its 24-month-guarantee—”

Caller: “No, it isn’t. See, I didn’t buy it from you guys; I bought it from some guy on eBay.”

Me: “I don’t know if we’re allowed to diagnose that if it isn’t bought from us.”

Caller: “This is how you serve your customers? Hey, I’ve been with [ISP] for 12 years; I DEMAND SERVICE! You can’t be serious! I pay so much money and now you can’t even fix your own [Brand model]? This is all your fault! I need to speak to your boss, to the CEO, and you’re going to tell him exactly what I said—”

Me: “Sir, let me try and transfer you and see if the coworkers there take it. After that you can talk to whoever you want to.”

(I transfer him.)

Me: “All right, [Coworker], this is a tough case. I think his wireless module isn’t okay. In any case it’ll be nice to take a look at his settings, and probably change a channel or something. There’s one thing, though; he bought his device on eBay and now he’s blaming us for it not working.”

Coworker: “So, he buys it for €5, probably used, from some guy on eBay and now it’s broken… How is this our problem? Transfer him; I’ll explain to him how the world works.”

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This Call Is Not Looking Good

, | Magdeburg, Germany | Extra Stupid, Technology

(I’m on the phone with a customer whose connection repeatedly syncs off, and basic troubleshooting hasn’t helped.)

Me: “All right, Mr. [Customer], since you’re online now, I’d like to log into your router to see what kind of error messages it produces when the sync is off.”

Customer: “What, you can do that? You can read my emails? But isn’t this against the data protection law?”

Me: “You don’t have to worry. I can’t read your email. I can only log into your router’s logbook.”

(I proceed to explain what the logbook is for several minutes, until the customer consents.)

Me: “All right, it would seem that you get random timeouts and this is why it syncs off. I’ll try to fix it by reconfiguring your line. It’ll take several minutes; after that I’ll need you to restart your router for me.”

Customer: “All right, but answer me this question: can you see my apartment?”

Me: “Your apartment?”

Customer: “Well, yes. You can see my connection and log into my router, so I guess you can look at my apartment, right?”

Me: *jokingly* “No, sir, we can’t do that; this is the NSA’s job.”

Customer: *laughing* “Ah, okay, then it’s all right. But if you are looking, don’t worry, today I cleaned everything up.”

Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 25

, | Germany | Extra Stupid, Popular, Technology

Customer: “Hello, I need help. I can’t connect with my WiFi router.”

Coworker: “Are you connected via LAN or via WiFi?”

Customer: “WiFi.”

Coworker: “How far are you from your router?”

Customer: “About half a meter.”

Coworker: *already confused* “What kind of router do you use?”

(The customer names an expensive and reliable brand.)

Coworker: “All right, can you try and connect your router with a LAN cable?”

Customer: “I’ll have to go search for one in the car—”

(At this point Coworker hears funny noises.)

Coworker: “Oh, these are funny noises. Are you in your garden?”

Customer: “No, I’m out fishing.”

Coworker: “And you want to get WiFi?”

Customer: “Well, yes, of course, so I packed my router and took it with me. This is how it works, right?”

Related:
Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 24
Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 23
Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 22

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