(I work at an airline.)

Caller: “How much to fly return with you to Bangladesh in two weeks?”

Me: *checking* “I see that neither we, nor our partner airlines, travel there, but [other airlines] do. I can provide you with their contact numbers—“

Caller: “What I asked you was, ‘How much will you charge me for a return ticket to travel there?’ I didn’t ask for you to fob me off onto someone else. Answer my question, please.”

Me: “Sorry about that. On what date do you intend to travel there, when would you intend to return, and in what class would you prefer to travel?”

(He gives the details; the price is around €4,000 in economy class before the various taxes and charges, which is the maximum allowed by law and the only fare that head office has programmed into our system. I wince in anticipation of his reaction to the news.)

Caller: “What? Why is it so insanely expensive?”

Me: “It’s the highest price in economy class for that route and time that’s allowed by law. [My Airline] doesn’t offer any discounts or reductions to travel on other airlines that aren’t our partners, much less to destinations where we don’t go. If you were to contact the airlines that do fly there, they’d probably have prices closer to what you were expecting, since they compete for passengers on that route.”

Caller: “That’s ridiculous! You should be ashamed of yourselves for charging such a rate. It’s no way to do business!”

Me: “I don’t claim that it is good, sir, merely that it is so. Shall I get those other airlines’ numbers for you?”

Caller: *frustrated growl or snarl, followed by a click as he hangs up*

(Eggs Benedict is a popular dish on the menu for breakfast/brunch.)

Regular Customer: *recently returned from a holiday in Spain* “Hmm, what will I have? I think I will have that Eggs Benidorm.”

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(I work in a call centre for an Internet and home phone provider. A customer rings in, very angry and shouting at me.)

Customer: “Fix my phone! Ever since your so-called engineer installed my broadband, it’s had issues.”

Me: “Okay, what is wrong with the phone?”

Customer: “Just fix it.”

Me: “I need to know what’s wrong with it.”

Customer: “Can’t you tell it’s not working?”

Me: “No, I need to you to tell me what’s wrong.”

Customer: “It’s not working; you should know this.”

Me: “Do you have a dial tone?”

Customer: “You have no right to know that.”

Me: “Well, if you won’t tell me what’s wrong, I can’t help. So, if I can’t do anything, I will have to end the call. Bye now!”

(My husband gets dozens of zits from dry skin if he doesn’t apply cream to his body after showering. He is lazy to do it and I constantly nag him about it. He also stubbornly claims that the cream does nothing for it, despite knowing full well it does. One day we have this lovely conversation.)

Me: “You should apply cream more often.”

Husband: *interrupts me mid-sentence, triumphantly* “I did, just yesterday! See? You did not notice!”

Me: *simultaneously finishing my sentence* “…because you did yesterday and look, your skin looks so lovely.”

(He got that “busted” look on his face while I was grinning from ear to ear, and honestly he has been doing a big better on the “applying cream” front since then.)

(I’m loading my shopping at my local supermarket which doesn’t have an express or self service. As a result, it is common to have someone with one or two items to ask if they can go ahead of you when you have a full trolley of items. Usually I don’t mind, but some customers think they automatically have an entitlement to go ahead of you just because they have a couple of items.)

Woman: “I’m just going to go ahead of you. I only have four items, okay?”

Me: “Well, no, because I only have three items.”

Woman: *confused* “But I only have four items.”

Me: “I know, and I have less, so there’s no reason for you to go ahead of me. You need to wait.”

Woman: “But I’m in a rush.”

Me: “So am I. Still not letting you ahead of me.”

Woman: *thinking for a minute* “Well… I’m a pensioner. I’m old and tired. I need to go first.”

Me: *turning to face her fully* “And I’m eight months pregnant, so I’m also tired. I also just finished a full work day and I’m bursting to go to the toilet so, for the last time, you are not going ahead of me.”