(My husband and I are checking in our one suitcase at the airport. The airline of our flight has multiple “DIY check-in stations” and several employees walking around to assist. The QR code that needs to be scanned is on my husband’s phone. He sticks the phone inside a hole in the station that clearly has some laser-scanning action going on inside, but nothing happens. An employee is already stepping up to help us out as I point out the animation playing on the screen on the station to my husband.)

Me: “You have to point the screen downward to scan, not upward. See?”

Husband: “Ah, d***, and it was so obviously pointed out right in front of me. I feel like an idiot.”

(He flips his phone around and the machine beeps.)

Employee: “Ah, sir, you need to– Oh.”

Me: “Sorry for not paying attention to the animation right away.”

Employee: “I… I have been working here for five years and I have never seen someone pay attention to the animation. You are the first to do it right without any assistance!”

Me: “Wow, that sounds… terribly frustrating. The animation is so obvious!” 

Husband: “Thanks for the assistance, anyway!”

Employee: “You are most welcome!”

(The employee turns around to help out someone else while the machine prints the label we need to stick around the handle of the suitcase. I take it and see that there are directions printed on the backside: instead of peeling off a sheet to make the ends stick together, the label will stick all on its own according to the two drawings. NOTHING on the ends seems sticky but I trust that the drawings are correct, so I stick the label through the handle and press both ends together. By magic, they stick like glue immediately. A second employee steps up to help halfway through my actions.)

Employee #2: “Ma’am, you need to… oh…”

(I have not seen a woman so baffled, impressed, and hopeful for humanity all at once. I cannot help but think that they talked about “this crazy couple that did everything by themselves at the DIY station” at their coffee break!)

(I work in the credit card department of a call centre for a major bank.)

Customer: “I ordered a replacement credit card last week and it was due to arrive on Monday. It’s now Wednesday and I still haven’t received it. This is ridiculous.”

Me: “I do apologise, sir. As I’m sure you are aware, there was a major storm on Monday and the whole country was on strict orders not to travel. As such, no post could be delivered, which is why your card is delayed.”

Customer: “Exactly, and because of the storm damage, the postal workers aren’t delivering post today or yesterday, either.”

Me: “Yes, so you should expect to receive your card tomorrow.”

Customer: “But why didn’t it arrive when you said it would?”

Me: “Because of the storm, sir. As you said, there has been no post delivered for the last three days.”

Customer: “That’s unacceptable. You should have known the storm was coming and sent the card earlier.”

Me: “We can only send a new card when you request one. I can see you requested a card last Thursday and, had it not been for the storm, that would have arrived on Monday. Unfortunately, we can’t predict the weather.”

Customer: “That’s not my f****** problem! Typical incompetent banks! You should have known the storm was coming and done something about it.”

Me: *exasperated* “I can log a complaint for you sir, but we certainly can’t control the weather. We also can’t predict that you will want a card and send it before you request it.”

Customer: “F****** idiot!” *hangs up*

(Needless to say, when I logged his complaint, it was dripping in sarcasm.)

(I work in a popular video game store. It’s Christmas, so we have a lot of stressed-out parents buying last-minute gifts. One woman barges past the long line of customers I am serving.)

Me: “I’ll be with you in a minute. I just have to serve these customers first.”

Customer: “Oh, it’s just a question!”

Me: “Okay, I’ll try to do both. Go ahead.”

Customer: “Do you have Super Mario on the PS4?”

Me: “No, I’m afraid not. Mario is only for Nintendo; he’s their mascot, so he’s not on other platforms. Do you mean the Wii, WiiU, DS, or 3DS?”

Customer: *talking as if I was slow* “No! PLAYSTATION. He has a PEE-ESS-FOOOR! Check the computer; I know it exists! He told me!”

Me: *humouring her and checking the system* “I’m afraid there are no Mario titles for anything other than Nintendo. Are you sure he said PS4?”

Customer: “Look, my son probably knows more about games than you. He’s very smart! He specifically told me you could get it on PS4 now!”

Me: “I’m afraid he might have been misinformed or maybe misheard. Mario is only on Nintendo.”

Customer: “ARE YOU CALLING MY SON A LIAR?!”

Me: “No… I just was saying tha—”

Customer: “YOU’RE JUST HIDING IT FROM HONEST CUSTOMERS! YOU JUST DON’T WANT TO SELL IT TO ME!”

(She storms out and comes back several minutes later, pushing past customers who had been there when she first came in. She THRUSTS her phone in my face, open to a YouTube video.)

Customer: “SEE? MARIO NOW ON PS4! If you were any good at your job, you would know that!”

Me: “May I see that video, please?”

(She smirks and throws the phone at me. I just about catch it. I don’t watch the video, but instead, I open the description underneath. In capital letters are the words, “APRIL FOOLS, SUCKAS!” and yep, it was posted on 1st April. All the comments below are about how such a thing would never happen.)

Me: “I’m afraid this is a parody video. It was an April Fool’s joke; see right here?”

Customer: “WELL, HOW WAS MY SON MEANT TO KNOW THAT?! HE’S ONLY SEVEN!”

(She storms out, embarrassed and angry, as the customers she pushed past earlier are trying to hide their smirks.)

Manager: *deadpan whisper* “I thought she said her son was smart?”

(I work at a small sandwich shop in the middle of a shopping centre. Our float in the tills is never very big, so as a result, if anybody pays with a €50 note too early we are screwed for change for hours afterward. Higher denomination Euro notes are commonly forged, so most shops won’t accept them at the best of times. Forgeries can easily be passed off in smaller shops where staff generally don’t check notes.)

Me: “Good morning! What can I get you?”

Customer: “Can I have a bagel, please?”

Me: “No problem!”

(I proceed to make the bagel as quickly as possible as he is the only customer there. While it is heating, I go to the till.)

Me: “That’s €4.50, please, when you’re ready.”

Customer: *tries to give me a €100 note* 

Me: “Sorry, I can’t take a hundred this early on. I have very little change until lunchtime.” 

Customer: *clearly irritated but polite* “Are you sure? It’s all I have.”

Me: “Afraid so. Sorry…”

Customer: “All right, I’ll just go get change, then.”

(I finished making his bagel, wrapped it, and put it beside the grill to keep it warm in case he came back a bit later. Funnily enough, he never came back… But I have to say it was a delicious sandwich!)

(My last name is rare for my home area, and almost non-existent outside of it, due to going through at least five different spellings since my ancestors arrived through Ellis Island. For the sake of argument, I’ll just say it’s Krueger. I’ve arrived in Dublin for the first time ever and am checking into my hostel. I show the guy manning the desk my passport to verify my reservation. He checks me in, and then stares hard at my passport.)

Guy: *in a Midwest accent* “[My Name] Krueger? Are you related to [Female Name] Krueger, from [My Town], Wisconsin?”

Me: “Yeah… that’s my older sister.”

Guy: *laughing* “I dated her for a couple of months when I was living in [Town five miles away from my town] back in middle school.”

(My family and I have always joked that my very social sister has contacts all over the world, but this is getting ridiculous!)