(I’m in the ER with some potential heart issues. At one point, I get a very nice lady in to draw some blood, and she’s joined by a coworker who’s about to go off shift. My elbow veins aren’t cooperating, so I have to get blood drawn from the back of my hand as well. It goes faster after that, and soon, the lady who’s leaving heads out, then pokes her head back in the door.)

Phlebotomist: “Thanks for letting me stick around!”

(My mom and I couldn’t stop laughing. Definitely made the whole visit bearable!)

(I run a private computer store associated with a larger company. We see a lot of customers each day with issues using their cell phones. Many have changed something on the device that they were not aware of, and it requires us to scroll through a number of different settings on the device to troubleshoot. This happens while I am helping a lady who appears to be in her 60s.)

Customer: “Do you by chance have a water fountain?”

Me: “No, but will a bottle of water do?”

(I keep water in our refrigerator for personal use; I usually buy bulk packs of mini bottles. I get a bottle of water from the back room, hand it to her, and bend over to the counter to look closely at the phone settings once again. She starts drinking from the bottle, standing directly opposite me, and basically right on top of me as I check her phone. She then gets some water down the wrong pipe, and does the biggest cough and spit take you have ever seen, showering me, the counter, and her phone. I take it all in stride, clean up what I can with a roll of paper towels we keep behind the counter, and get her taken care of the best I can, and she leaves.)

Coworker: “You have got the be the most composed person I have ever seen! She was shooting water out her nose, even! If it would have been me, I would have told her I had to go home and take a shower after that!”

(I didn’t really need to hear that part. Bonus points: she never said she was sorry!)

Related:
H2-Woah, Part 3
H2-Woah, Part 2
H2-Woah

My job involves data entry at a large company where a lot our requests come in via customer service channels. As such, we get a lot of misspellings, but we are required to enter names exactly as they’ve been provided to us.

Sometimes it’s something simple that was probably misheard (e.g. “Soft N Corp.” rather than the correct “Soften Corp.”) or mistyped (e.g. “Blenda” instead of “Brenda”).

Once, I had to type in “Harley Quinn Company” (yes, exactly like the Batman character) instead of “Harlequin Company,” even after I asked my supervisor about it.

A lady named something like Darlene Pierce has sometimes been entered as “Darling Person.” I’ve also seen “Centrial Corp.” and “Eleate Company.” Most recently I had a request come in from “Monic,” which I am almost certain was meant to be “Monique.”

The customer service reps are all great, but sometimes I’m not sure they’re hired for their spelling skills.

(I work as an IT technician for my college during the summer, and they are in the process of upgrading their phone system. I have replaced a certain older professor’s phone the previous day and left both a full manual of how to use the phone as well as a more condensed “how-to” pamphlet. Mind you, the phone is not difficult to use and works exactly like any other office phone. The professor in question calls the help desk.)

Me: “Hello, IT help desk. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Professor: “Yeah, I need to know how to use the new phone.”

(I am confused, as he is calling on that very phone.)

Me: “Is there a certain feature you’re not sure of how to use?”

Professor: “I just need to know how to make calls on it.”

(I am very confused now.)

Me: “It should work just like your old phone, just pick up the handset and start dialing. You can check your voicemail by pushing the button that looks like an envelope.”

Professor: “Why are we changing them, anyway?”

Me: “Our old system is really outdated and is costing us a lot to maintain.”

Professor: “Well, who is paying for all these new phones?”

Me: “I’m not sure of what part of the budget it’s coming out of, but it will actually save us money in the long-run.”

Professor: “Well, we’re all dead in the long-run.”

Me: *speechless for the next full 30 seconds* “Umm, yep… Is there anything else you need?”

Professor: “Nope, bye.”

Me: “Have a nice day.”

(I am at a nationwide chain of “upscale” glasses retailers, the same location where I have purchased all of my frames for the last eight years. I’ve never had an issue with anyone despite buying new lenses every two years until this time.)

Sales Lady: “Hmm, well, your eyes are supposed to be centered in the lens perfectly but these just aren’t. Are you sure that these are the ones you want? I just wouldn’t feel like I was doing my job right if I let you leave looking like this.”

Me: “Well, these are the exact same dimensions as my old pair and I do have fairly narrow-set eyes so I’m used to that. I’d probably have to go down to childrens’ lenses to achieve a perfect center, and then the temples would be too narrow.”

(She huffs a little but gives it up. Later…)

Sales Lady: “The arms on these go farther back on your head than I like to see. Are you certain you don’t want to try another pair?”

Me: “If you look at my old pair here, you can see they go just as far back as these new ones. This is a persistent issue that I have. My ears must just be close to my face.”

Sales Lady: “Hm. Well, I just don’t feel like I’m doing my job right if I let someone leave with glasses that don’t fit them.”

Me: “Do you have glasses with shorter arms, or are these just standard and I’m the wonky one?”

(She ignores my comment and moves on. I return later that evening to pick up the finished frames.)

Sales Lady: “Oh, they’re a little crooked. Let me see them.”

(She looks them over, sets them on the table, tests them with a little level, and everything looks normal. Puzzled, she sets them on my face.)

Me: “I know one of my ears is about a half centimeter higher than the other. That might be why they look crooked.”

(She takes the glasses back and wrenches them up so that they hold so tightly to my face that they stay “even” to her liking, without having to rest on both of my ears.)

Sales Lady: “See? Perfect!”

(I know that she was just trying to do her job, but she had no regard for how I felt about my glasses, their fit, or my comfort. I had to go back two days later and get them completely refit, because I was having terrible headaches from their unnecessarily tight fit.)