(My husband and I are in the ER, about ten days after I have given birth via C-section, and about five days after I have finally been released from the hospital. Due to pregnancy complications, my husband and I haven’t had sex for several months. I have severe abdominal pain and have been waiting to be seen for several hours. Finally, a doctor comes into the room to check me over. She is holding my chart, on which I mentioned several times that I just had a baby.)

Doctor: “Are you pregnant?”

Me: “No.”

Doctor: “Are you sure? We’re going to run some tests that could be harmful to the baby.”

Me: “I am sure I’m not pregnant.”

Doctor: “How about you take a test just to be sure?”

Me: “I. Just. Had. A. Baby. So, unless you guys missed something when you were cleaning me out two weeks ago, or God decided it’s time for another immaculate conception, I. Am. Not. Pregnant.”

Doctor: “Uh, okay, then.”

(She then sends a nurse in with some painkillers so I can finally get some relief. Two days later, I get a phone call from the hospital.)

Nurse: “I’m sorry, but it looks like one of your samples we took the other night was contaminated. We strongly recommend you take a pregnancy test.”

Me: *facepalm*

Related:
Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 18
Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 17
Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 16

(I’m an intern at a non-profit and am canvassing for petition signatures at a local market. People that don’t want to sign typically have really lame excuses instead of just saying, “No, thank you.” This is by far my favorite refusal.)

Me: “Hi there. Do you have a moment to sign a petition to improve water quality?”

Man: “NO. I AM NOT WATER!”

Related:
H2-Woah, Part 4
H2-Woah, Part 3
H2-Woah, Part 2

(I work at a grocery store. One day, Rick Astley’s infamous song, “Never Gonna Give You Up,” starts playing over the store speakers, and as I listen, my coworker from another department interrupts the music and takes this opportunity to make an announcement over the P.A.)

Coworker: “Attention, customers! Come on back to the meat department, where we’re never gonna give you up. We’re never gonna let you down with sub-par product, so don’t run around to other stores and hurt us. I’m never gonna tell a lie and say we don’t have great deals, so don’t say goodbye. We’re never gonna desert you. Thank you for shopping at [Grocery Store]!”

(I stay with my grandparents for a couple of weeks each year just after school gets out, so that I can relax away from my brothers and spend time with them. On this particular day, I’m half-asleep in my grandpa’s insanely comfortable armchair while my grandma is watering her houseplants, when suddenly there is blood-curdling scream, and my grandma runs from kitchen.)

Me: “Grandma! What’s wrong? Did you burn yourself? What happened?”

Grandma: *points towards one particular potted plant, talking incoherently*

(I walked over to the plant, not sure what I was going to find, while my grandpa tried to calm her down. On the counter by the plant, I found a small toad, about the size of a fifty-cent piece. It had jumped out of the pot, scaring my grandma. My grandpa brought in a tiny minnow net to scoop it up and put it outside. After that, I was the one who had to water the houseplants.)

(My cousins are visiting us for the weekend, and we are about to head out for my youngest brother’s soccer game. My dad, brothers, uncle, and female cousin have already left, leaving my mom, aunt, my male cousin, who is ten at the time, and me. I am thirteen. My cousin gets a bloody nose, and it’s a pretty bad one, with blood running down his face. I take him to the bathroom and get him cleaned up, then notice I’ve used the last of the toilet paper to do so, and there are no tissues or paper towels in sight.)

Me: “How are we supposed to stop the bleeding?!”

Cousin: “You’re the one who’s supposed to know this stuff! Think of something!”

(I suddenly remember a tip my English teacher — an avid outdoorsman, and a little weird — told us. I go into the lower cabinet and grab one of my mom’s tampons. My cousin doesn’t know what it is, so I just unwrap it and stick the cotton part up his nose. It quite effectively stops the bleeding, and we go into the kitchen where my mom and aunt are.)

Mom: “[My Name], what the heck is up [Cousin]’s nose?!”

Me: “A tampon. His nose started bleeding!”

(My aunt is laughing too hard to respond at this point.)

Mom: “Why did you put a tampon up his nose?”

Me: “His nose was bleeding, and in the movie we just watched in English, a girl pretending to be a guy sticks a tampon up her nose for her fake nosebleeds, and Mr. [Teacher] says it’s really effective!”

Mom: *face-palms* “While I’m sure it might be, it’s not something he can have up his nose in public!”

Cousin: “Wait, what is it supposed to be for?”

Mom: *freezes*

Aunt: *falls over laughing*

Me: “It goes in a woman’s lady parts when she gets her period. It’s made to absorb blood!”

Cousin: “So… it’s doing its job?”