(A customer comes in, purchases her things, and then leaves. After a couple of minutes, she comes back in.)

Customer: “I can’t find my phone in my car. I don’t remember bringing it in here, but can you help me look for it?”

(She and I both start to look for it.)

Me: “Do you want me to call your phone to make this easier?”

Customer: “Yeah, let’s do that.”

(She gives me the number and I call her phone. After a moment, the ringing starts in her jacket pocket.)

Customer: *embarrassed* “On that note, this idiot is leaving.”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Have a nice day.”

(I work as a student supervisor at a smoothie place on campus. A woman says this to me one Saturday night.)

Customer: “Is there any way you could make that smoothie less cold?”

Me: *confused* “Um, excuse me, ma’am?”

Customer: “Well, you see, it’s for the kids, and they cannot handle cold drinks.”

Me: “All right, would you like it made with less ice and more water, then?”

Customer: “No, no, no! That’ll dilute the flavor! I want it less cold!”

(Knowing there is no way to do this, I simply make her a normal kiwi smoothie. She smiles at me and says:)

Customer: “That wasn’t so hard, now, was it?”

(I work at a smoothie bar. When we prepare fruit, we leave them on the counter before we put on lids for each container. A woman comes up, takes a napkin, takes a whole handful of mangos from off the counter, and starts to walk away.)

Me: “Um, excuse me, ma’am! You cannot take those!”

Woman: “I’m sorry, they just looked so delicious!”

Me: *taken aback* “All the same, ma’am, you cannot take those.”

Woman: *completely serious* “It was very rude of you to tempt me by putting these out like this!”

(I look at her, confused.)

Woman: “And very unsanitary, too! Anyone could just come up and take some. If anything, I’m teaching you a lesson.”

(She stormed off after angrily throwing away the mangos.)

(My father’s side of the family is quite large — he has eight siblings — and they have a lake cottage that is shared between the group. A whole bunch of people gather for some events like the Fourth of July, and other times individual families will go up. My family lives farther away, so we don’t usually use the cottage, but when I am around thirteen or fourteen we go down for a week. I am sharing a room with a cousin my age. One night, at around one in the morning, she is up texting her friends, while I have been asleep for a while. Suddenly…)

Me: *sitting straight up in bed* “Hello, [Cousin].”

Cousin: “[My Name]? Are… are you awake?”

Me: “I am not awake. I am in your nightmares.” *lies back down*

Cousin: *screams*

(Apparently, I sleep-talk.)

(I work in the finance office of a university. This story was told to me by my coworker. Note that this took place over the phone with a student in online classes.)

Student: “When am I getting my financial aid stipend? I need that money.”

Coworker: “It looks like your funding is scheduled for [date two weeks later]. Once that hits your account at the school, we will review any excess funding and send it out to you within fourteen days.”

Student: “Why’s it going to take so long? I need that money now; can’t you move it up?!”

Coworker: “Unfortunately, we have to adhere to federal guidelines on when financial aid funding can be distributed to your account and will not be able to move up that date.”

Student: “But I need that money. I have to pay my rent and I have medical bills.”

Coworker: “I’m sorry to hear that, but I…”

Student: “MY ORGANS FALL OUT OF MY BODY EVERY DAY; I HAVE TO PUSH THEM BACK INSIDE MYSELF! I NEED THAT MONEY!”

Coworker: *after a brief pause* “Well, I am very sorry to hear that and I hope that things get better soon. We won’t be able to move up your disbursement dates, but if you check back in with us after we’ve received the funding, we may be able to expedite your stipend.”

(The student seemed satisfied with that resolution and ended the call. When she shared this story with me later I couldn’t help but speculate, “Wouldn’t your organs just falling out of your body, I don’t know, kill you?”)