Not Putting Yourself Into Pole Position

, , , , | Right | October 6, 2018

(I work at a women’s plus-size clothing store, and I am very energetic because I like my job and enjoy helping people. People have described me as cheerleader-like, and also very sweet, which is incredibly kind of them! One day I’m checking out a woman and her husband, and I’m dancing slightly to the music we have playing in the store, so I say a little joke I’ve said hundreds of times before.)

Me: *while ringing them up* “And you get a free dance with every purchase!”

Husband: “Oh? So where’s the pole?”

(The wife gasps, and I stop dancing and stare at him, flabbergasted that he would make such a sexual joke about me. He suddenly looks very sheepish.)

Husband: “Uh… Sorry. That sounded a lot better in my head.”

(At least he apologized!)

Not Even Solidarity Among Retail

, , , , | Right | October 4, 2018

(I work in the floral department at a grocery store. We have a lady who comes in often enough that we recognize her. She always dresses entirely in white and silver, and wears extremely heavy makeup: a thick layer of foundation that doesn’t match her skin tone, usually white or silver eyeshadow, and very pale, pink lipstick that is rarely, if ever, applied in the lines of her actual lips. She’s always snobby and picky about her flowers. The chain where I work has a fuel-saver program. You get a card that the cashier scans at the checkout, and for some items, you get a certain number of cents off your gas per gallon at the pump if you go to the gas station chain we partner with. It’s very popular and a lot of people participate.)

Customer: “Are these flowers the best? Because I want to make sure I get the best.”

Me: “Those are really nice flowers, for sure.”

Customer: “But are they the best? I have to have the best.”

Me: “Um… Yes, they’re the best.”

Customer: “Oh, wonderful. Just wonderful.”

(I ring her up.)

Me: “Do you have a fuel-saver card you’d like to use?”

Customer: “Oh, for crying out loud! No!”

Me: “I’m sorry, we have to ask—”

Customer: “No! I don’t use those! Who uses those?”

Me: “Um, a lot of people, ma’am. I have one.”

Customer: “Well! I don’t even put my own gas in my car! What would I want with that?”

Me: “Your total is [total]. Enjoy your day!”

(After she leaves, my coworker shakes his head.)

Me: “Could you believe her? ‘I don’t put my gas in my car, la-de-daaaa.’”

Coworker: “She works retail just like the rest of us.”

Me: “Are you serious?”

Coworker: “Yup. At the makeup counter in the mall next door. I’ve seen her.”

Don’t Waste Your Breath(alyzer)

, , , , | Right | September 19, 2018

(I work for a company that leases ignition interlocks — car breathalyzers. For reporting and quality, the units are changed every 30 to 60 days, depending on the state. Customers get a countdown, but after it goes to zero, you have to tow your car, as it won’t start. We also have remote changes, where the mechanic just puts it on a machine and tests it. This customer called from a state where remote changes were just installed. His car is past zero by two days.)

Customer: “I don’t know why you didn’t tell me they were remote now! I always go by the tracking number on the package to know when my unit times out!”

Rep: “Well, that’s one way to do it, but your unit also gives you a five-day countdown, and a seven-day grace period, as well. You can also check your time update on our website, or you can call the automated line and it will give you your time-out date, as well.”

Customer: “You still should have sent me an email specifically saying that the unit wasn’t shipped so that I didn’t go by the tracking number. Can’t you turn it back on?”

Rep: “Sorry, your state regulations don’t allow us to do that. You will have to tow it in.”

Customer: “But you didn’t send me anything and tell me unit wouldn’t be shipped! I need something — a time extension, or a credit! I tried calling but didn’t want to wait on hold! I demand to talk to your supervisor!”

(I put him on hold for one minute, and he hung up almost instantly. I guess his car is SUPER important to him.)

A Big, Black Eight-Inch Bar

, , , | Right | September 18, 2018

(I work for a satellite TV company. I am at an elderly gentleman’s home. He has called in complaining of poor signal in even cloudy weather, loss of channels, and black bars on the screen. He was upsold to an HD-DVR upgrade since he had some of the original HD equipment. I re-point his dish, which was so far out of alignment I’m amazed he even had service, period, and which was the cause of all his problems. I install the new box and get everything programmed. It should be noted that the customer has stated that at his age he basically lives in his bedroom, where he has a 70″ big screen on the wall across his bed. After I get done explaining everything I have done both inside and out, he asks me to check a channel for him. He gives me a channel number, and the Info Banner pops up a moment before the picture and reads, “Granny’s First Big Black C**k.” Sure enough, that’s what shows up a second later. The customer walks up to the screen and puts his hands about eight inches apart on the bottom of the screen.)

Customer: “This is where that black bar used to show up. I’m paying for this big TV; I want to see all of it, not some of it. I was losing over a foot of picture. And sometimes on the sides, too.”

(I’m looking at the bed to ignore the porn on the screen.)

Me: “The black bars usually indicate that the program is not coming in HD, or that it is simply not an HD program. Your dish was pretty far out of alignment, so almost everything was coming in standard definition. That is all fixed now that I’ve re-pointed and tightened down your dish. You should only see those bars on programs broadcast standard now. You wouldn’t expect TV Land to be high-def.”

Customer: “I hope you’re right. I’m paying for this and I’m not going to be cheated. Where do I sign?”

(I immediately hit the previous channel button to get it back to regular programming and left as soon as I could.)

That’s Totally Riddikulus

, , , , | Working | August 30, 2018

(I work as a lab technician in a factory. I’m one of the few females in a workplace full of males who — sometimes literally — think they know it all. There is one coworker in particular who served a short stint in the Navy years ago and now tries to insert this into conversation wherever he can, in order to talk about his “hard time served in the military.”  This guy served a few months and then was quietly discharged due to some obscure medical condition. The way he talks about it, though, he was on the front lines, digging trenches, giving orders, etc. I’m just going about my job, and it’s common for people to come into the lab for an assortment of different reasons. Also note that I’m wearing a Harry Potter shirt this day with the spell “Expecto Patronum” on the front.)

Coworker: “Hey, turn around. I want to read you shirt… Expecto Patronum… Oh, I know this! It’s Latin for, ‘Expect Greatness.’ I learned it in the Navy!”

Me: *trying not to burst out laughing*

Coworker: *sees me grinning from ear to ear* “Is that it?! I’m right, aren’t I?”

Me: “Uh… Actually, it’s a spell from Harry Potter.”

Coworker: “Oh… Huh. Must have been something similar that I learned in my time, I guess.”

(Sure, dude… Whatever you say. I got a good laugh out of it with my Harry Potter-loving friends and coworkers.)

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