A Big, Black Eight-Inch Bar

, , , | Right | September 18, 2018

(I work for a satellite TV company. I am at an elderly gentleman’s home. He has called in complaining of poor signal in even cloudy weather, loss of channels, and black bars on the screen. He was upsold to an HD-DVR upgrade since he had some of the original HD equipment. I re-point his dish, which was so far out of alignment I’m amazed he even had service, period, and which was the cause of all his problems. I install the new box and get everything programmed. It should be noted that the customer has stated that at his age he basically lives in his bedroom, where he has a 70″ big screen on the wall across his bed. After I get done explaining everything I have done both inside and out, he asks me to check a channel for him. He gives me a channel number, and the Info Banner pops up a moment before the picture and reads, “Granny’s First Big Black C**k.” Sure enough, that’s what shows up a second later. The customer walks up to the screen and puts his hands about eight inches apart on the bottom of the screen.)

Customer: “This is where that black bar used to show up. I’m paying for this big TV; I want to see all of it, not some of it. I was losing over a foot of picture. And sometimes on the sides, too.”

(I’m looking at the bed to ignore the porn on the screen.)

Me: “The black bars usually indicate that the program is not coming in HD, or that it is simply not an HD program. Your dish was pretty far out of alignment, so almost everything was coming in standard definition. That is all fixed now that I’ve re-pointed and tightened down your dish. You should only see those bars on programs broadcast standard now. You wouldn’t expect TV Land to be high-def.”

Customer: “I hope you’re right. I’m paying for this and I’m not going to be cheated. Where do I sign?”

(I immediately hit the previous channel button to get it back to regular programming and left as soon as I could.)

That’s Totally Riddikulus

, , , , | Working | August 30, 2018

(I work as a lab technician in a factory. I’m one of the few females in a workplace full of males who — sometimes literally — think they know it all. There is one coworker in particular who served a short stint in the Navy years ago and now tries to insert this into conversation wherever he can, in order to talk about his “hard time served in the military.”  This guy served a few months and then was quietly discharged due to some obscure medical condition. The way he talks about it, though, he was on the front lines, digging trenches, giving orders, etc. I’m just going about my job, and it’s common for people to come into the lab for an assortment of different reasons. Also note that I’m wearing a Harry Potter shirt this day with the spell “Expecto Patronum” on the front.)

Coworker: “Hey, turn around. I want to read you shirt… Expecto Patronum… Oh, I know this! It’s Latin for, ‘Expect Greatness.’ I learned it in the Navy!”

Me: *trying not to burst out laughing*

Coworker: *sees me grinning from ear to ear* “Is that it?! I’m right, aren’t I?”

Me: “Uh… Actually, it’s a spell from Harry Potter.”

Coworker: “Oh… Huh. Must have been something similar that I learned in my time, I guess.”

(Sure, dude… Whatever you say. I got a good laugh out of it with my Harry Potter-loving friends and coworkers.)

Latin-And-Out

, , , , , , | Learning | August 25, 2018

My friend taught third-semester Latin at a university, immediately after the department changed the course titles to be slightly more interesting. The third semester became known as “The World of Cicero,” rather than “Intermediate Latin I.”

She had a student come to the first day of class — properly registered for the course — who thought the course would be about Cicero, Illinois, a suburb of Chicago!

Aside from the obvious concerns about the student’s thought process, we did always wonder how her adviser or scheduler allowed her into third-semester foreign language course without the requisite first year.

Unfiltered Story #118246

, , | Unfiltered | August 18, 2018

I was singing the first version of “Burn”, a song from a musical known as “Hamilton”, at work and my coworker tried to sing with me as I was washing dishes.

After I finished the the song and he finishes attempting to sing to it he tells me that he has no idea what I just sang but that was one hell of a breakup song.

Otto Be Punished For That

, , , , , , | Related | August 17, 2018

(My husband and I are at his parents’ place. We all recently received invitations to a gathering of “descendants of Otto von [Mother-In-Law’s maiden name],” and are discussing it.)

Mother-in-Law: “So, all of Otto’s descendants will be there, but his siblings’ families have their own. Apparently, he came to America, established himself, then went back to get one of his brothers, and then another when they had established themselves, until he’d brought his whole family over.”

Father-in-Law: “Sounds like they Otto be grateful to him!”

(He and my husband cracked up; my mother-in-law and I exchanged a look.)

Page 2/1612345...Last
« Previous
Next »